When life changes in seconds.
New text message: He said he is going to kill himself tonight.
At this time of my life, I was six months pregnant. I had sent my fiancé out to get me some food I had been craving. A can of soup. Tomorrow was graduation. My fiancé and I had been in school for the last for a couple months. It was a trade school for construction. This night we had planned to eat some soup in bed while watching the rest of our TV show together.
Well, life had other plans. My dad called my phone. I only and always say “aloha” to him as I call him or answer his phone call. Nothing was said and it sounded like something happening in the background but just seemed like a butt dial. Then it was hung up.
I just shrugged it off then my phone buzzed. A new text came over the screen. He said he was going to kill himself tonight. That’s what the text read from my stepmother.
In a moment the air thickened. I could feel the pulse of my heart get stuck in my throat. My lung got heavy like someone tied a brick of cement to them and tossed them in a fast-moving river. As my finger acted like a drunk stagger across my phone screen I re-dialed my father and it went to voice mail.
Have you ever had your mind go off on a wild goose chase before but this time you’re the goose being chased? It feels like fear is right on the back of your feet. My lungs now feeling like they are filled with cement. I found myself on the phone with my stepmom. Her voice was frightened. I couldn't figure out if it was frightened for her safety or for my dad’s. I could hear his anger bounce off the walls of the house.
Where is his gun cabinet key? Is the only words I could make form in my mouth.
She started crying he wouldn’t tell her.
Just don't let him leave to the woods we will never find him before he kills himself. This sentence was like word vomit it just came out so fast I was shocked by the words as I spoke them.
I found myself packing as my phone fumbled around calling my fiancé. He rushed home and found me pacing not sure what to do. I grabbed the bag packed full of hygiene products and our clothes for graduation. Grabbed the soup.
My head started spinning with thoughts and questions. Ranged from laughing memories to the rage of fear. I started singing. I just turned up the music in my car to downed out my thoughts. Nothing worked as my phone lite up I just told myself I need you to be calm. You know you’ve gone somewhere outside of time when you start talking in the second person to yourself.
A 45-minute drive and my sister her husband my fiancé and my pregnant self all show up at the same time. My sister’s son was there and just a scary thought that was. The whole family was a mess but me? At this point, I knew if my dad wanted to kill himself he would've just done it but he asked for help. Even if it was not the way anyone would’ve wanted it.
His anger toward me and unbelief. As I lay down on his bed beside him a tear runs down my cheek.
“I told you not to come here why did you come?” Just pure anger and self-power rolled off his lips.
“Wrong kid,” I spoke sharply back.
“Listen you need to cut the bullshit act. Everyone might deal with your shit but you know I'm the last one too. Don’t be an asshole.” It was word vomit again and out of my control. A part of me was so scared and the other was just plain pissed off.
“Men kill themselves women just say they will.” He said as his eyes looked away from mine.
Who does he think he is? How fucking disgusting, no really.
You see my father and I’s relationship hasn't been always the best. I’m the only one who actually gets him and understands him, all of him. The dark parts mostly. He didn’t recall about 11 months ago I put myself into the hospital. All I thought about was suicide. I had so many plans. I got so scared of myself. I wasn't going to attempt suicide I was going to just commit suicide.
Once I shared that part of my life, he smiled at me. My dad and I have always been each other half even when we didn't know it maybe that is why we butt head a lot.
The words I told him was
I’m not here to ask questions I’m not here to bug you. I’m just simply here to hang out we can talk about anything and everything or nothing at all and dad I’d do this every night if I had to. If it meant to save your life I’d do it over and over again. In a heartbeat.
The cop car finally showed up. His doctor sent an order to bring him into the hospital. I drove there and they released him. Was it a good idea? Hmm. He is alive today and no one left his side for a while. I spent the night that night which was only from 6 am to about 840. My pregnant ass spent on a damn air mattress. In the morning all you could hear was fighting I'm sure my stepmom or dad slept that night.
He was sitting there on the couch and asked about my graduations. It was canceled due to COVID. I told him how I had a bag pack and ready when I first heard. Knowing I’d come prepared. He smiled. By the way I never ate the soup that night.
Sometimes people just need to know that someone is listening. Need to know that someone would drop everything for them. It’s okay, to have a mental breakdown and ask for help. It’s really just okay not to be okay. If you are struggling I hope you have the bravery and courage to say “I’m not doing okay.” To someone you are the world don’t forget that.
www.choosing-recovery.com
