Rethinking Rejection
One Step to Take After a Negative Reply
For busy or lazy readers: hearing “No” is never pleasant, but it shouldn’t stop us from asking. “No” doesn’t close the door; instead, it always opens others. The important thing is to look for these “doors”, not just run away immediately after being refused.
For everyone else:
Let’s start with a situation: imagine you’re a tourist in some random unfamiliar city, having a walk in the evening, and coming across a café. You want to go in, have a snack, and charge your phone. You walk in and immediately hear from the worker, “Sorry, but we are already closing, please come tomorrow.” What would you do?
Many people would say, “Okay, I understand,” and walk away to search for another place. This approach makes sense, as there are probably more places like that somewhere else . But you don’t know the city well, and your phone is about to die. What if, instead of walking away, you decide to take action? Here, you have plenty of options for your next move: you could ask if they can make an exception for you and briefly describe your situation, or you could ask how much time they can give you to charge your phone. Or even ask about other places where you can go. The important thing is not what you ask, but the fact that you don’t just walk away.
Stoicism teaches us not to worry about situations we cannot influence, to let them go and not bother about them — totally fair and smart approach, in my opinion. Many people in the café situation would think, “Well, they said no, I can’t do anything about it,” and simply let it go. But the main question I’d like to ask you is: if we hear “No,” does it really mean we cannot do anything and need to let it go? I believe that’s not always the case. In fact, not even in half of the situations when you face a refusal.
At my corporate job, I have plenty of contact with our external partners. I work closely with different companies to improve our ongoing cooperation, address issues, step in during crisis situations, etc. A huge part of my daily interactions involves negotiating with different people. I won’t describe specific negotiation tips and tricks here; I just want to emphasise my personal experience and tell you about one game-changing piece of advice I once received. That was it: “If you ask for something and hear ‘No,’ understand that they are saying ‘No’ not to you personally, but to the conditions you offer.”
What does this mean? It means that “No” is not actually something definitive; “No” is not the end of the conversation but rather an invitation to review the conditions of the offer. In other words, instead of accepting “No” as final answer, it’s better to challenge it and ask, “What should we do so you could say ‘Yes’?” — as simple as that. In my personal experience, I was able to close many deals and projects after applying this approach. I changed my mindset about negative replies and now see refusals as a beginning of conversation and an opportunity to better understand the other person and find a mutual solution
Obviously, it’s not a universal approach. The café worker from the beginning of the story might simply say, “Sorry, but I cannot help you,” and that would be it. The philosophy of stoicism and accepting is still a good thing to apply in your daily life;) Just be sure, before you let something go, that you’ve done your best to get what you needed.
Peace.
P.S — I’m sharing more of my experience and advice in my course. Check it out!
