When What I Faced Looked Like It Would Never End
You said watch the giants fall.
*Trigger Warning*
I have schizophrenia. Let’s get that out there right at the gate.
I struggle daily with voices telling me to kill myself. That I’m not enough. And that, I’ll never be enough.
That would be fine enough, except, they are on repeat. Like a broken record.
Sometimes, it’s hard to concentrate on anything else.
In case you were wondering, I hold down a full time job, which can definitely be difficult at times. But, I persevere.
I no longer bat an eye when the voices come now. Oh, it’s you again.
I never really questioned, why me?
Well, maybe I have a few times.
But, I realize, everyone is fighting their own battles.
Fight off your demons.
Only, I find fighting with them does nothing worthwhile. And it cultivates a negative energy.
Instead, I try to focus on little mantras I find to be true.
Like,
I am a joy and a blessing.
I am a warrior.
I am loved.
I can honestly say I am blessed. In the struggle. In the middle of the storm.
I am alive.
I have a job.
I have a loving family.
I would be homeless, living on the street, if it weren’t for my family.
They are the only ones that stuck by my side during the worst of it.
I used to have a lot of delusions.
I thought I was directing traffic with my thoughts.
I thought Kanye West and I were going to team up and release a dope album.
I thought I was communicating with the girl of my dreams in my heart.
That one hurt the most. When I found out she wasn’t in my heart. That it was all made up.
Yeah, that one still hurts.
I am here to fight the good fight.
I will live my life to the fullest. To benefit not just myself, but others.
I see myself on stage, motivating others. A Ted talk perhaps.
Finally, I think the most important decision we can make is to turn our darkness into light.
By talking about it, we can acknowledge it, while at the same, finding ways to overcome it.
Sometimes it feels like the struggle will never end. And maybe it won’t. But I get better dealing with it.
If you are at all interested in one persons life with schizophrenia over a ten year span, I recently published my memoir, Surviving Schizophrenia.
