Where Was I, When She Was Walking Home?

It’s Past Time To Be A Better Ally

Thomas H. Brand
Published in
8 min readMar 18, 2021


She was walking home.

We’ve heard the same thing over and over again in the last few days. And weeks. Months. Years. Longer.

Once again the truth of the danger that women live in every day has been brought to society’s attention. Once again the women in our lives are forced to give an outpouring of their experiences — of harassment, of sexual assault, of living their lives in fear — in the hope that this time men will finally wake up and do something about themselves.

Because it’s not their job to educate us. We should recognise this problem ourselves. You know, because empathy. Because basic human understanding.

And I have to ask myself, if I believe I’m one of the Good Guys then why aren’t I calling this out more often?

Nothing I write in this post is an excuse.

Nothing I say here is to argue I can’t, or shouldn’t, do better.

And neither am I asking women to provide me with the answers. They’ve been saying more than enough for more than long enough. It’s my responsibility to listen and educate myself. I welcome input and advice, and I applaud those who have felt brave enough to share their stories with us. But I’m not putting the responsibility in anyone’s hands but my own.

This post also isn’t filled with all the answers. Anything I come up with will be a drop in the ocean of what is needed.

So if in the below post I say anything ignorant, tone-deaf, or if I’ve simply misunderstood anything I’m talking about, please feel free to correct me. I’m happy to learn where I’m going wrong.

My intent with this post is to use myself as an example. To identify the barriers that I have no excuse but to work through.

What is stopping me from being a better ally? What parts of my mind and thought processes stop me from doing more. Which of my beliefs are holding me back, either because I’m not seeing the problem, or because I’ve created excuses so I don’t have to.



Thomas H. Brand

Blogging about polyamory, ethical-non-monogamy, and modern relationships | (He/Him) | | |