Why Am I Afraid Of Writing Even Though I Love It
Not A Rant. Not A Guide. Just How It Is.
I am afraid of writing.
Writing that sentence itself took me three weeks.
That's how much time it takes for me to get real with myself. Oftentimes, even more.
I thought I had writer's block but the fact is that I just couldn’t stop being an editor. Not even while I was writing. Or maybe that is (just) the narrative built up by my defense mechanisms.
Today, I write in an attempt to not just peel a few of the layers which have been layered upon layers of narratives, but also, to remind the reader that while we arrive into (and depart from) this world alone, we do not necessarily need to tread along these weaving corridors of life in the same manner.
The mind is a powerful entity.
A faithful friend and a fearsome foe, depending on how you give shape to it. Unguided and unchecked it can wreak havoc or, even worse, create a utopic framework that prevents one from engaging completely.
And I got disengaged beyond recognition.
The word joy, was just that, a word, which, when pronounced felt completely strange, devoid of any meaning, memory, or association. I felt how an onomatomaniac would feel after a long-drawn episode renders them semantically satiated.
Except, in my case, it was not constant repetition that caused a sense of alienation with the concept or the word, but rather, it was this ingenious mind which had been tugging at the strings of desires, gently guiding them towards a state of non-existence.
If I were a ringmaster and my mind the lion, I’d (already) be dead by now.
But the circus of life is far more forgiving, and so, I was blessed with a fortunate bunch of friends who rallied together like a platoon tasked with an impossible challenge. Just to get me out of this state of inactivity.
They might even write a book on it. Or so goes the rumor mill.
But, in all seriousness, they ought to be awarded the purple heart for their very heroic, if not desperate attempts.
And while my gratitude knows no bounds, now is not the time to get detracted. So let’s get back to talking about why I fear writing.
As you read these words and I write them, neither knowing the answer to said question, let's embark upon a journey of discovery and learnings that have helped me, and hopefully, might help you as well.
“It never ceases to amaze me: we all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own.” — Marcus Aurelius
I read this quote while wallowing about in the deep vastitudes of self-pity and it helped peel a layer -
I did not allow myself to be free and honest with my writing.
I cared more about how it appeared than what it said. It was not until I wrote a random quatrain that I realized how much I love expressing myself, albeit, so long as no one’s aware of it.
Most of my initial writings were comprised of prose and poems that’d get written in under half a day. So to sit with an idea and work on it for hours and days on end was not just daunting, but rather, it completely deterred me from following through.
“No great thing is created suddenly, any more than a bunch of grapes or a fig. If you tell me that you desire a fig, I answer that there must be time. Let it first blossom, then bear fruit, then ripen.” — Epictetus
Stumbling across the teachings of Epictetus gave me hope.
Not only had he spoken of things that seemed mythical but had also walked the tough talk. If something as simple as patience and faith could sustain someone all those years ago, then why should we be any different?
I haven’t yet become completely comfortable with the idea of putting long hours into something that may or may not speak its truth to me, or rather, mine to you.
It is possible that by seeking an answer to my fear of writing, I feed into it even further.
Maybe it is only by accepting that I am, in fact, afraid and at times even insecure, that I can actually take some action about my content and tame this lion of a mind.
Because, after having been confronted with the reality that a journey seems arduous only so long as we don’t embark upon it, I chose to embark upon one, and thankfully, am not walking alone.
Seneca has had a profound impact on the way I view life.
And therefore, it is with his words that I leave you, the reader, to ponder upon ( for not too long though) in the hope that it helps you rally every ounce of ATP that’s been produced by your body in the last twenty-four hours so as to help enable you to become a better version of yourself.
“It’s not because things are difficult that we dare not venture. It’s because we dare not venture that they are difficult.” — Seneca
If you’ve taken something away from this article by embarking on this journey with me, please do share your insights as I’d love to discuss and engage with you.
And if you’d like to read more thought-provoking content, I highly recommend checking out Everything Around The Sun.
