Relationships and women empowerment
Why Can’t Women Choose Wisely?
This is the dumbest question ever. Let’s stop victim-bashing.
Often when a woman speaks openly about her painful divorce, horrific experiences with an ex, or regretful relationship decisions. Or when she speaks about her being at the receiving end of a financially, emotionally or physically abusive relationship. She is typically met with a choir of advice from people (men and women) about why she didn’t choose better.
Okay now, I have to unleash this one from my chest.
Are you fricking kidding me? She should choose better? What the heck? Seriously?
Let’s take a walk down memory lane in this woman’s life.
I mean, let’s replay the cassette back to when she first started communicating with her future lover. Hmm, let’s see. Did he come with a T-shirt that said- “I’ll make your life hell, dear” or “You see this smile I have all the time, it’s fake”.
Well, did he? Nope. If he had presented himself as a sordid character like that in the beginning, would anyone, in their sane mind, stick with an overt abuser? No.
The thing is, most aggressors and abusers use stealthy mind-trickery to slowly pour acid into a woman’s heart over time. They mess her up, with the tactic of a ninja. The saddest part is, she doesn’t even know she is being messed up!
They use a plethora of emotional war machinery to get her hooked, dependent, gaslighted as f*ck, and sometimes isolated from her support network of family and friends. She falls deep into the tunnel of deception, and she doesn’t see her self-worth, and self-esteem floating by.
In the beginning, most relationships start off with a feeling of cotton candy, floating on clouds. Ah, that first romantic bliss. When both parties are often still pretending to be perfect and bringing no drama to the table.
Give it a few months, and the facade starts to weaken. At least in some relationships.
Because many will cry “NOT ALL MEN” Yeah, yeah I know. Nothing in life is a totality. Now we’ve got that point sorted, let’s get back to it.
So, we gotta please stop singing this annoying chorus to women, who have ended up in a bad relationship or walked away from a nightmare. Let’s stop tearing down our victims even more.
Let’s realize the enormous courage it takes to want to heal past hurts, and turn our lives around. The women who call out their abusers are brave souls. They offer inspiration to other women who are currently walking through hell, that there is a way out.
Why does society have a way of tearing the dignity of the victims?
In some situations, it’s extremely difficult for a woman to even think clearly, in a relationship. There is so much emotional drama going on.
Some women have to deal with an exhaustive medley of kids, pets, house tending, work, and other things. In addition to holding together the relationship. Especially if she’s with a man who contributes little to domestic activities like cooking, cleaning, etc.
Through this all, she has likely expended so much emotional and mental labor into holding on to her sanity, as well as dealing with a man’s emotional turbulence. That there is little room for deep reflective thinking.
I’m beginning to think, that if a woman can still meditate, take long solo walks, practice abundant self-care and have enough time for deeply restful and soulful practice. She must be in an awesome relationship.
But really, how many women do you know that have such indulgence?
In a patriarchal male-aggrandizing world, women often bear the torches of blame, shame, and judgment., when anything goes sour.
This is reflected in the way society has stigmatized many single mothers, even when oftentimes they are the ones doing most of the parenting work. But I digress.
The truth is that most women in the beginning did choose wisely. They chose a man who offered sweet words, affection, attention, and a supportive feeling.
They made wise and well-founded choices at the start of it all. But slowly things turned sour, and they found themselves knee-deep in a bad situation. They were being human and imperfect. As we all are.
So before trumpeting about their choices, let’s connect with our vulnerable collective humanity. Seeing that they are simply humans like us and are prone to be hoodwinked by the psychological gymnastics, gaslighting, and self-esteem squishing ways, undertaking by many of these men.
Also, many relationships have up and down moments.
A woman could have been trying to exit a bad situation for some time, but her partner repeats how “this time” he’ll get his act together and be better for her.
This proclamation lasts a few weeks, and he is back to his old Jekyll-and-hide self. And the cycle continues, for months, years or even decades.
Now, before the manospheric foot soldiers pull their keyboards nearer to admonish me on how wrong I am about all this. Please take a deep breath, gather yourself and try (I know it’s hard) to see things through a more holistic lens.
Most women made the BEST choice at the time, based on the information they were presented with from the man. He is often a kind-hearted, understanding, warm, and loving man in the beginning.
Otherwise, she wouldn’t have invited him into her life in the first place. Of course, this is not a blanket way of seeing things.
I wasn’t born yesterday, and I am not naive. I know there are some women who even when the man treats her like shit in the beginning, will still choose him. To these women, I can only say, girl, you set yourself up for abuse from the get-go, so it’s not all on the man.
Women are not to blame for the violence, aggression, and dehumanization they suffer under men in a patriarchal, and sexist system.
The root cause of the problem is male violence, entitlement, and the need to control or tame women. Whom they deem as inherently less than them, and as tools for their bidding.
There exist a psychological and spiritual cancer in many abusively inclined men, that has NOTHING to do with women.
So let’s stop this insensitive commentary on women to decide wisely. Let’s rather humanize our victims, and understand that no one is perfect. Most people just want to lead happy and peaceful lives. But really, which one of us has never made a wrong turn in life?
Writer’s Note: I’m Egypt, a poet and writer. I write at the intersection of poetry, words, and thoughts. This piece is inspired by my experience as a modern woman in a patriarchal system.
Are you someone with similar experiences? Or a man with a reasonable voice to add to this conversation? Do share your thoughts by leaving a comment. As these conversations need to be had.
