Why Do We Undervalue Friendship?
It’s time we stop referring to romantic relationships as more important
You’ve just spent the morning with a close friend, and your heart is full. The warmth of this interaction is carried with you throughout the day and beyond it, seeping into your interactions with others. I should spend more time with this friend, you think. I really enjoy being with them.
Too often, you approach these get-togethers as low-priority to-do list items, continuously postponing them or even forgetting that you haven’t seen your friend in a while. But what if this time you rewrite the to-do list and approach the relationship with intention? Spending more time with this person, you realize, allows you to approach life with a pep in your step and your other relationships with a renewed vigor.
In her book Radical Intimacy (2023), writer Sophie K. Rosa states, “At its best, friendship could be a liberatory relationship — one in which we can share and lessen the load of being alive” (p. 166). While it’s common for a romantic/sexual partner to share this load, most of us need additional support in one form or another.
I often imagine a world in which it is more normal for friends, with or without non-platonic partners, to live together and prioritize each other in their adulthood. Romantic couplings are, of course, considered more significant than other relationships by the powers at be in Western society, as evident with regards to legal benefits, workplace policies, health facility protocol, and the like. But should we really let this framework determine how we assign significance within each of our individual lives?
Balancing Romantic/Sexual Relationships with Friendships
Your friends don’t have to stop being your family once you decide to build a family with someone else. Time and time again, we see friendships demoted once people couple off into new family units, but believe it or not, your family can take on any number of shapes.
You may share one big friendship bubble with the close friends and lovers in your life. You may even choose to live together, like Jameela Jamil, James Blake, and their friends.
Rhaina Cohen, author of The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center (2024), lives with her husband, friends, and friends’ children. In her book, Cohen details her closest friendships as well as the unique friendships of several people she’s interviewed. More often than not, the stories show us, the power of platonic love has a positive influence on other relationships in our lives.
Naturally, not all friends are interested in or able to live together — whether due to personality clashes or external barriers — and not all parties in a romantic/sexual relationship will necessarily want to share the same friends.
An alternative then to the “one big friendship bubble” idea is that of equitably intersecting bubbles: What might it look like for you and your romantic/sexual partner(s) to commit to your respective besties in sickness and in health? How might you approach communicating your desires with each other and accordingly carving out time and space to nurture each of these most cherished relationships?
Looking Through a Queer Lens
It’s also important to acknowledge that not everyone wants romance or sexual relationships; for those on the aromantic/asexual spectrum*, platonic relationships may be a greater priority than other types of relationships.
This is beautifully demonstrated in Dear Wendy (2024), a new YA novel by writer Ann Zhao featuring two aroace protagonists. Jo, reflecting on their relationship with their friend Sophie, thinks,
“This is what I want. In my life, in my future. Someone who gets me. Someone I can banter with, someone I can trust, someone who loves me in the same way that I love them” (pp. 341–342).
Moreover, many people who identify as queer, whether or not they are aromantic or asexual, structure their lives in such a way that friendships are enhanced.
“Queer relationships are more likely to embrace ambiguity,” writes Rosa in Radical Intimacy, “because queer people know that normative standards for ‘real’ relationships — like being straight — are a farce” (p. 167).
Adjusting our conversations about relationship-building so that no one type of relationship is deemed more valuable than another is a necessary part of acknowledging that attraction is experienced on a spectrum. This includes taking care not to suggest that every single person should center friendship over the other relationships in their life. This is not always feasible or desirable for those who hold their friendships dear, and those who are aplatonic may feel tired of being expected to deepen their platonic bonds. However, the fact remains that friendship as a whole is unfairly deemed less significant than romantic/sexual relationships; thus its value is an important topic of discussion.
You Write the Script
I’m eager to see more platonic love stories of all shapes and sizes. This isn’t a cry for the end of romantic/sexual relationships, nor is it an attempt to persuade you, reader, to up and change your whole life. Your life is your own. This is simply a call to critically analyze what we’ve been told our lives should look like and consider the wider range of possibilities.
A devoted friendship can take many forms, from housemates to travel buddies to platonic co-parents. How would you choose to structure your relationships if you could operate outside the bounds of societal expectation? How might you approach your present relationships with intentionality, so that you are closer to living the life you want to live? Let’s transform the narrative together.
*If you think you may be asexual or aromantic but aren’t quite sure what this means for navigating life, I recommend checking out the book Sounds Fake But Okay: An Asexual and Aromantic Perspective on Love, Relationships, Sex, and Pretty Much Anything Else (2023) by Sarah Costello and Kayla Kaszyca. Inspired by their podcast of the same name, it breaks down the aspec identity with relation to romance, sex, friendship, family, gender, and more.
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