Why Does a Narcissist Discard You Then Try to Hoover You Back?
To a neurotypical person, it just doesn’t make any sense
There are so many aspects of the narcissist’s mind and disorder at play here.
Narcissists are driven by two things.
- Narcissistic supply
- Preservation of their idealized, false self and their made-up version of reality
Narcissists get supply in two ways.
- Ingratiation — praise, admiration, respect, validation, attention, relevance
- Grandiosity — devaluing others
Narcissists are deficient or entirely lacking in empathy. They see others as objects, not people who have feelings, fears, pain, hopes, or dreams.
Narcissists also lack object constancy. This means they flip-flop from seeing someone (or themselves) as “all good” to “all bad” very quickly. They are unable to hold the idea that someone could be both at the same time.
The typical pattern with an overt narcissist is idealization (love bombing), devaluation, discard, hoover, repeat.
Because of their lack of object constancy, they can be in two stages at the same time. For example, they can sabotage you (devalue), then invite you to dinner and…
