Why I’ve Had Trouble Saying “No”
And how I made it easier to do so.
As someone who enjoys helping others and making people happy, I rarely find myself rejecting anyone. Even when there is an inconvenience on my part, I try my best to tend to people’s needs.
Why is this the case?
Throughout my life so far, I have personally dealt with rejection. Whether it was a rejection of my feelings or a rejection from an employer/school, it hurt me for some time. Because of this, I could not bear to let anyone go through the same experience.
After some time, though, I realized that doing this wasn’t always beneficial for both parties.
The cons of helping (too much)
- Some people became too reliant on me. The more often I came to their aid, the more dependent they grew on me. Rather than figuring out how to do tasks on their own, they consistently sought my guidance. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to help — there were just times where the tasks were simple, yet people were too accustomed to receiving my help that they could not get anything done without me. In other words, I became the cause for their laziness.
It’s like helping a child with his/her homework: there’s a limit to how many times you should help, because if you go over the limit, the child will not learn anything. - Help was often not mutual. I can say with absolute certainty that I’ve been giving help far more than receiving help. Don’t get me wrong — I’m not one who always expects something in return. But whenever I am in desperate need of help, rarely does anyone (besides my family) help me. Whether the phrase “every man for himself” applies in life continues to be something that I put into question.
- I was (implicitly) taken advantage of. I remember being in general chemistry lab during my first semester of college, and each student had a partner to work through the experiments with. Unfortunately, I was paired up with a clueless student. Though the students were responsible for familiarizing themselves with each experiment’s procedure before performing them in the lab, my partner would always ask me what to do. Thus, I did most — if not all — of the work, but we both received credit. Why did I tolerate this for the whole semester? I am not so sure myself.
Learning to say “no” in the correct situations
After reflecting on my past experiences with helping people, I mentally created a list of those who turned out to be not-so-good people. I explored the possible characteristics that they share as a group.
It turned out that there was indeed a common trait among them: they did not show true or full gratitude for the help they’ve received. Such people, in the long run, are (or may become) manipulative and toxic.
Now, when I am approached with a potential request for help, I observe the questioner(s) and analyze the way they speak before accepting or denying said request. Do they appear friendly? Do they ask kindly? I also observe their reaction after something has been done for them. Do they appreciate what I did?
Although I don’t expect every person to thank me after I’ve done a deed for them, it doesn’t hurt to express at least some appreciation for the effort. More importantly, a simple “thank you” can really change people’s perspective of someone.
A final reminder
It is absolutely okay to say “no” or “no thanks”. If you ever see yourself in a situation where you’re uncomfortable (this is fairly typical in relationships) or in an inopportune spot, don’t hesitate to express how you feel. You should not allow yourself to be hurt in any way while helping others be happy. You should not be forced into an act you would not like to partake in. Instead, a truly thoughtful person would understand you and not be let down by your rejection.
To conclude, there are people in this world who deserve help and those who do not — those who only care about themselves belong in the latter. In reality, if people do not care about how you feel, there remains no reason for you to care about them either.
And contrary to popular belief, being cautious is different from being mean.
