Jan 22, 2021
Why Loving Yourself is the Cure for Co-Dependency
Give, Give, Give — Is this you?
Loving yourself is okay — it is not selfish. The kind of love I am referring to is self-care.
When you learn to put your needs and wants first, you will be in a better position to love others wholeheartedly.
When I was a child, I wasn’t taught how to love myself, but I was taught how to love others (if you could call it love), and because I didn’t know how to love myself, it was extremely difficult for me to have satisfying relationships.
It was all about putting others before me, to the point, where I didn’t even know I had needs. I recall trying to express my needs, but they were seen as selfish. So, to get love, I developed a way of relating that put others before me — all of the time.
My focus was directed outward — away from myself.
A child needs to develop their own likes and dislikes to form an identity. We’ve all seen a 2-year-old screaming, ‘I want! I want! it’s mine, mine!’, and it reminds us of our needs too.
Growing up in Ireland, I didn’t experience a healthy balance of giving and receiving. Parents, teachers, priests, and society in general, taught us to disconnect from ourselves, and because of this, many of us struggled to form a good sense of self.
We are meant to take care of ourselves — be healthy, have good relationships, do our work, and mind our own business.
When I say mind your own business, I mean, it’s part of the cure, because to recover from codependency, you need to stop trying to anticipate the needs of others and focus on your own needs and wants instead.
From a place of feeling healthy and whole, you can then extend this love and care to others in a very natural, healthy way. You are not seeking validation by serving others, instead, you are giving from a place of love, not need.
Unfortunately, this is not how it is for codependents. Codependents don’t take care of themselves — instead, they run around, serving, helping, fixing, and rescuing others at the expense of their own physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Then, when they don’t receive sufficient appreciation, they get angry and resentful.
They live for others while neglecting their own needs and wants. In fact, they don’t even know they have any needs. It truly is dysfunctional, so if you think this is you, read on.
Co-Dependency Defined
“Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have healthy, mutually satisfying relationships.
It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive, and/or abusive.
The disorder was first identified about ten years ago as the result of years of studying interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. Co-dependent behavior is learned by watching and imitating other family members who display this type of behavior.” (Mental Health America)
Signs That You May be Co-dependent
- you make extreme sacrifices to satisfy others
- you find it difficult to say no when people you are in a relationship with put demands on you
- you cover your partner's problems
- you constantly worry about what others think of you
- you often feel trapped in your relationships, but stay anyhow
- you avoid conflict
- you do everything to please others so that you will be liked and not have to deal with their negative emotions
- you are only happy when you are doing things for others
- you stay in abusive relationships
- you often feel anxious
- all your time and energy goes into satisfying your partner
- you surrender your own morals and values to do what the other person wants
- the thought of losing your relationship terrifies you
- you find your identity in your significant relationships
- your relationship with your partner is usually one-sided, where you are making lots of sacrifices, but getting crumbs in return
- you tend to confuse love and pity and love people you can pity and rescue
- you have an extreme need for approval or recognition
- you have a lack of trust in yourself and others
- you have a fear of being abandoned or alone
- you have a fear of or difficulty adjusting to change
- you have difficulty making decisions
How to Recover from Codependency
Recovery from codependency takes time — the first step is to educate yourself on this dysfunction and find a supportive group, therapist, or coach to help you to change your thinking and habits.
You will learn more about who you are, what your needs and wants are, and how to get them met healthily. You will learn to set healthy boundaries so you have more time and space to get to know yourself and what you want and need in life.
Recovery brings happiness, peace, increased self-esteem, and confidence. You will have more autonomy and intimacy in your life. You will become more expansive and start to pursue your dreams and passions with joy and enthusiasm.
What it Means to Love Yourself
Self-care — this means starting with your basic needs such as, eating good, healthy, nutritious food, and exercising regularly. Also, meeting with people who support you and encourage you. Enjoying your hobbies and taking time to relax or meditate.
Self-care can include other things like going for a massage, getting your nails done, or even buying yourself something nice. It means simply being kind and gentle with yourself.
Self-acceptance — ‘an affirmation or acceptance of self despite weaknesses or deficiencies.’ (Bernard, Michael E. 2013). Accept yourself fully, the good and the not so good parts. It involves self-understanding and a realistic awareness of one’s strengths and weaknesses.
Developing your gifts and talents — it is an act of self-love to recognize and develop your gifts and talents, but it will also increase your confidence and self-esteem.
Allowing God (a Higher Power) to love you — this is very important in the process of learning to love yourself. When you love yourself and receive God’s unconditional love every day, you will not go to others depleted and needing from them. You will learn to enjoy others through mutual giving and receiving.
Receiving love from others — it is not healthy to always be the one giving in a relationship. To love yourself, you must also allow others to give to you. It will give them a pleasure to make you happy.
Having supportive, loving relationships — this is an essential part of loving yourself. Getting your needs met through good, healthy, loving relationships.
Setting healthy boundaries — setting healthy boundaries is crucial to feeling good. You can’t be all things to all people, all of the time. We set boundaries so people don’t take advantage and demand more than we want to give.
Codependency is an addictive disease that needs a shift in your thinking to rectify. It is not officially a mental disorder, but rather, a dysfunctional way of behaving learned in dysfunctional homes.
Loving yourself is giving thanks for your life, and caring for your mind, body, soul, and spirit every day.
You can’t help others if you don’t care for yourself first.
If you think you are co-dependent or you tend to overextend yourself in relationships, I encourage you to reflect on the points above, as awareness is the key to a transformed life.
