ILLUMINATION
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ILLUMINATION

Why This Type of Guy will Never Find True Love

An honest discussion on so-called “losers” and how men can’t delay self-care any longer.

Photo by Joe deSousa on Unsplash

My current boyfriend is shorter than me, he is also younger, earns less, and nerdier (he LOVES, I mean LOVES, Minecraft) more than anyone I’ve seen before.

Most people I know are shocked by my relationship update. Their immediate response was, isn’t this guy similar to that guy who has been asking you out for the past four years but never succeeded?

Who is this other guy, and why I never accepted him?

Because he becomes a loser by overcompensating his low self-esteem, and this, is why some people will be alone forever. Here’s my step-by-step guide to help you get laid, find love, and be happy-ever-after.

This other guy who showed me his bank statement

Let’s call him Mr Amex.

Mr Amex and I met at a house party many years ago. It was a pleasant conversation and I liked how he knew a lot about Irish folklore, so when he asked for my number, I gave it to him.

He sent me his bank statement randomly one day before asking me out on a date. It was actually his American Express statement because he wanted to show me that 1) he was cool enough to have an Amex and 2) he was willing to spend £700 on a Prada men’s bag.

I remember feeling very awkward about this. Was he trying to say that if he’s willing to spend this much on his own bag, so he’d also buy me a Prada? Or was he trying to imply that I was the kind of girl who’s looking for a sugar daddy? I don’t know.

On our first date, he brought me to this stupid restaurant called Sexy Fish in Mayfair, London. The food was as stupid as the name, and it’s for people who were desperate to show off their wealth.

He asked me out a few times afterwards, but I just wanted to be his friend. This went on and on for four years, and I got to know him better (or psycho-analyse him better, sorry).

You might think that I was rejecting Mr Amex because he was showing off. No, you need to read deeper. He is showing off because he doesn’t think he himself is adequate enough.

People need to start believing in themselves

A super clever guy with a quick wit, great humour and a genuinely kind personality, Mr Amex doesn't know he is actually a great guy.

He sees himself as disappointing short, ugly, tactless with girls and inferior to his super successful brothers, who are all doctors, and he is just an engineer. A bit like Howard Wolowitz in Big Bang Theory.

I wish Mr Amex had realised that Wolowitz has the hottest and cleverest wife (give me a clap if you think Bernadette is a God-send combination of Penny and Amy Farrah Fowler).

A loser becomes a loser at the precise point when they believe they are one. A nerd who enjoys his nerdy interests and is unapologetic about it is not a loser, and that’s why I love my boyfriend.

Men are late to the truth of self-love

Self-love and self-acceptance are big topics that I thought everyone’s talking about, but not necessarily. The one group that’s often deaf to this is the men, almost half of the world’s population.

There are the alpha males who seem to think very highly of themselves but actually are bending over backwards to meet the unrealistic requirement of toxic hyper-masculinity.

There are also men who feel they aren’t cut out for this oversimplified definition of masculinity and feel their “manhood” is inherently inadequate. They are usually worried about their height, their build, their display of feminine sensitivities, etc. The feeling of being not ‘manly enough’ might deter them further from seeing a therapist or learning about self-love, which is often stigmatised as a “womanly” activity.

Mr Amex was training very hard in the gym and buying shoes with secret in-built heels. He thought his failure in the dating world was because of the shortfall in masculinity.

I don’t know about other women. For me, I couldn’t accept him despite I think he was a perfectly fine man, was because he hasn’t accepted himself.

This is not a cliche excuse.

A person who couldn’t accept himself will never accept other’s love for them, it will make the love very obscure and unhealthy.

We can see here that despite I have rejected him multiple times, he was still persistent in asking me out for 4 years. This suggested an early sign of co-dependency. As a keen learner of healing, intentional living and psychology, I could foretell a very imbalanced relationship (perhaps beneficial towards my side, but that still doesn’t feel right).

Love ourselves enough so others can love us

Focusing on relationships and sex, here’s how men can start having a bit more self-love and acceptance.

Step 1: Recognise our overcompensation behaviour

It’s hard to realise our behaviour and mindset is harming our sex and love life, but we’re halfway there when we’re willing to take a hard look at ourselves.

Are you jeopardising your dating life by overcompensating? Are you overly generous, attentive and available? This will attract people with ill-intent, people are trying to manipulate, rather than appreciate you.

Step 2: Embrace your femininity

Yes, you read it right. Every human being is a combination of a different ratio of femininity and masculinity. As women start to embrace both femininity and masculinity energies in them, men have to start doing so ASAP. Otherwise, the old ugly world dominated by toxic hyper-masculinity will not end.

And you are at the forefront of this movement. You are not a loser, a nerd or a pussy — those are just biased words. Be open to your feminine traits and accept them gracefully. This doesn’t make you gay, you are only gay if you love men.

Step 3: Learn and set your boundary

There are things that shouldn’t be done to you, like making you paying for everything, waiting for hours, or sending you mixed messages. A person who loves themselves will not take anything less, they know when to say “talk to my hand” and stop people crossing the line.

This comes fundamentally from a place of knowing we deserve to be treated well. Don’t forget, you are not losing out when sticking to your boundaries. Saying no to the wrong person will give you space to let the right person in.

People who can see the work we have done to embrace, accept and love ourselves will respect our boundaries and us.

A respectable man will attract a respectable woman. You will have dates that are fun, focus on the present moment, and have mind-blowing sex that focuses on each other’s pleasure.

Yes, the sex will be THAT good.

Good luck loving and accepting yourselves! More articles from Midori by the Sea here:

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Midori by the Sea

Midori by the Sea

I write about self-development, run study-with-me live streams and quit my corporate job to become a novelist. 🇭🇰🇬🇧