Why Vulnerability is So Damn Sexy and Irresistible
A Simple, Attractive, and Powerful Characteristic.
In today’s age, it’s rare that you find women who don’t lie about their age, guys who can shamelessly admit that they watch porn at least once a week, or people who dare to state publicly that they fart too (I'm sure you probably don't recall anyone who flexes about their farts on their Instagram stories.)
We can’t tell the people we love the most that we love them, we change our opinions because we want people to accept us, we hesitate to tell that person we’re attracted to them because we fear they may reject us. In other words, most of us are not very vulnerable beings.
Being vulnerable means to freely express your thoughts, feelings, desires, and opinions regardless of what others might think of you. This ability to not give a fuck about people's opinions or judgments of you is not only very attractive but can also be the foundation for deep, meaningful relationships.
Vulnerability is Extremely Underrated and Rare
Vulnerability is mostly associated with weakness. A good example of this is how men are told to suppress their emotions by not crying, to hide their weaknesses, and to display themselves as devastatingly masculine beings even if they’re not.
These days it’s normal for people to feel ashamed of the natural size of their breasts and buttocks and hence, they create a fake image of themselves online where they appear larger than life and perfect. It’s almost impossible for them to accept their imperfections or the simple fact that they are human.
Vulnerability is not just extremely rare since everyone avoids it, it's also very underrated because most people fail to realize how attractive one can become if they could just be more open and raw.
Why Vulnerability?
Vulnerability shows that you’re not ambiguous, manipulative, or insecure. It presents you as a bold, original, and confident motherfucker who doesn’t give a fuck about anyone. And believe me, there's nothing sexier and more attractive than a bold, original and confident motherfucker who doesn’t give a fuck.
Being vulnerable in your interactions motivates more intimacy and a greater deal of trust. It creates sexual tension too because being vulnerable shows that you feel safe and at home with your partner which ultimately makes them feel undeniably comfortable with you.
People don’t realize this but honestly is really damn sexy. It may sound counterintuitive but admitting the fact that you like that hot guy or girl even though you're not super-rich or extremely good looking, comes across as very powerful and sexy. And people, even if they initially act like they don’t like you, deep down they will be applauding you for your confidence and your indifference to everyone’s opinions.
Brene Brown talks about this in her book, Daring Greatly.
A person who can make themselves vulnerable, exposing their weaknesses without any regard to what others will think, is saying to the world, “I don’t care what you think of me; this is who I am, and I refuse to be anyone else.”
Putting yourself out there in this way, by being vulnerable — instead of overcompensating and trying to get everyone to like you — will also lead to some of the best interactions and relationships of your life.
Being Vulnerable is Just Awesome
If you look at it, true power lies in vulnerability — in accepting your weaknesses, your imperfections, your mistakes, admitting the fact that you were the one who farted in the conference room.
Initially, people may look at you as an outcast, or try to “wtf” you away by making you feel bad about yourself since you’re opening up — but they also realize it deep down that you are a badass motherfucker who doesn't give a shit and they’ll also realize that they themselves are too insecure and timid to be something like you.
Don’t Get It Wrong
Now that you know what vulnerability is, and why it is so important, you must also understand what vulnerability is not. As Mark Manson, the author of the New York Times Bestseller The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck explains:
Many people see vulnerability as another tactic they can “use” on other people to get them to view them in a certain way.
Vulnerability is not something to “equip” yourself with, to make people think you're vulnerable so that they like you. Anyone who does that is actually doing the exact opposite of what vulnerability is all about: being a hundred percent genuine and authentic, without concerning yourself with what others might think of you.
If you like the idea of vulnerability and you have decided to be more open and raw from now on, ask yourself: Am I being vulnerable just to appear more confident, sexy, and attractive? Am I being vulnerable to get more guys or girls chasing me? Am I being vulnerable just so I can get people to like me or perceive me in a certain way?
If you answered yes to any of the questions above, you're already in a bad spot because you're just trying to appear more vulnerable, and on top of that, you're in it for the wrong reasons, which is to please people. As Mark Manson puts it:
The goal of real vulnerability is not to look more vulnerable, it’s simply to express yourself as genuinely as possible.
Understanding Shame
Before we learn how to genuinely express ourselves, we need to understand shame. Shame is a feeling of personal deficiency or failure. Shame is that voice inside each of us that tells us we’re not enough, we lack many things which we should have. Simply stated — Shame tells us that if we are feeling bad, we are bad.
It is shame that stops you from asking your crush out.
It is shame that doesn’t allow you to say hello to someone unless they say it first.
It is shame that stops you from texting your ex that you still love them.
It is shame that keeps you from telling that joke to your colleagues because you think they won’t find your joke funny.
It is shame that holds you back from expressing your love, even when you come across someone who you know is the one.
Hence, shame decides what actions we take and the ones we don’t. Shame is what stops us from being more vulnerable and authentic. The vast majority of us feel unacceptable or unworthy and believe that in order to connect with others, we have to be somebody other than who we actually are.
This is why we need to understand the things that make us feel ashamed of ourselves. From there on, we can take steps to try to open up and be okay with expressing ourselves, even if we may feel ashamed.
Shame is not something that once you understand it, you can just go out and say that you will now be more vulnerable by spitting out everything — this is what Mark Manson likes to call, emotional vomit:
Emotional vomit is when you suddenly unload an inappropriate amount of emotions and personal history onto a conversation, usually to the utter horror of the person listening.
And believe me, talking to your date about your bad childhood, or your violent mother just because you want to come across as vulnerable and honest, is not only the opposite of vulnerability, it will also turn off your potential partner because you are actually coming across a tryhard.
Not Giving a Fuck (Genuinely)
At some point in your life, I’m sure you’ve been horrified by the mere thought of someone not liking you. You must have found yourself in the trap where you were trying to please everyone or even changing your opinions just to make people like you.
I still remember that first obnoxious comment on one of my first YouTube videos where someone called me “Koni” which translates to a twink or a gay boy — I also remember that when I deleted that comment, that guy replied by calling me a pussy for deleting his comment. It’s really funny now because at the time I was devastated by the mere thought of what others were saying about me.
The vast majority of us find it hard to express our true emotions, feelings, thoughts, and opinions (in other words, ourselves) because of the fear that people may not like us for who we are. This fear of other people’s perception about you just goes to show how much you care about other’s opinions. This is the biggest hurdle that stops you from being yourself.
Not giving a fuck, like really genuinely not giving a fuck, is easier said than done and it does take a lot of balls, but it is well worth it once you become a master at it.
As humans we want people to perceive us in a certain way. We don’t want people to find out what we’re thinking or who we actually love.
To Hell With Perfectionism
I’m sure you know those people who make it look like they are perfect and that they don’t even fart or take a shit.
It is human nature to dismiss our imperfections by doing everything in our power to hide our weaknesses in order to make ourselves look better than we actually are.
I'm sure you remember that awkward time when you were asking your date about random, irrelevant shit such as their favorite number or their GPA, even though you knew that all that shit didn’t actually matter. You were also aware that deep down you were just being a pussy because you feared to say something stupid. This a good example of perfectionism and invulnerability where you wanted everything to be perfect and avoid imperfections.
It’s very rare that you find someone today who doesn’t shield himself inside the armor of perfectionism. This is a problem because it sets up a lot of people for unnecessary headaches as they need to keep up with the fake image they’ve created instead of embracing their original selves.
It is not enough to merely accept your imperfections, you need to learn to embrace them for it can help you be more vulnerable.
(Boring) Conclusion
There is no step-by-step process that shows you how to be more vulnerable, and you shouldn’t treat it that way or else, it will become just another technique that you want to learn to make people like you — which is the exact opposite of vulnerability: to freely express your thoughts, feelings, desires, and opinions regardless of what others might think of you.
Being vulnerable is as simple as accepting your shortcomings and faults, loving your imperfections, not giving a fuck about how people perceive you, saying hello to a stranger, or telling your crush you like them even though you know they might reject your ugly ass.
I know it’s not easy but it’s well worth it.
