A More Sophisticated Way to Accept People as They Are
Ask these three questions.
I know, I know. Dealing with people can be frustrating at times, but we need to understand that it’s not natural for anyone to go out of there way to be awkward. Not intentionally, anyway.
People who push our boundaries and get us all hot under the collar don’t like to have a negative example made of them. They get frustrated when things don’t work or go as planned in the same way you or I would.
Most people, including the ones we struggle with, don’t even like confrontation, although I get it, some people look as if they thrive on it — These people come few and far between and are exceptions to the rule.
Seek First to Understand
When it seems as though someone is purposely going out of their way to make things difficult, to argue our every word or to be disruptive in some other way, we’re quick to jump to the conclusion that they’re the argumentative type. If it’s a child, maybe we label them as being “naughty” or “hard work”.
It isn’t usually the case though, and for us to feel and think that way, often means we haven’t understood them correctly.
It’s as much our problem as it is theirs.
Look at this quote from Stephen R. Covey; it’s a good one.
“Seek first to understand, then to be understood” — Stephen R. Covey.
A Real-Life Example
For just a minute, let’s think of a kid ‘misbehaving’ at School. They’re always calling out, seemingly not listening to a word the teacher has said. It’s like they don’t even care.
As the class teacher, you have options. You could make an example of them. You might knock 5-minutes from their break time. You might send a letter to parents, or perhaps you could send it to the head of School and let them deal with it.
I don’t want you to do any of that though. I want you to take a deep breath, step back and ask yourself, what is the child trying to tell me?
Maybe the work is too easy, perhaps too hard. Has something happened at break time, are they struggling with something at home? Were they up all night crying into their pillow while their parents argued? Are they hungry because their parents couldn’t afford to feed them this morning?
There’s often more than first meets the eye.
It’s Not Just the Kids
It’s worth pointing out that this situation isn’t exclusive to kids. Any behaviour that’s considered unruly, anti-social or confrontational, has an underlying message - To better understand someone, we need to find that message.
The reason we think of someone as being uncooperative is that they don’t fall in line with your own thoughts and opinions. It doesn’t mean they are wrong; it means we haven’t fully understood their reasoning.
Three Powerful Questions
There could be any number of explanations for an undesirable display, but I can assure you, it’s not as simple as “they just want attention”.
Of course, attention may be a part of it, but ask yourself these three powerful questions, and you may just uncover the real reason.
- Why do they need attention?
- What is the hidden message behind the action?
- What are they really trying to tell me, or those around them?
If we can find the answers to these questions, we’ll be able to tap-in to their mindset and potentially find the motivation behind the behaviour.
It’s a powerful thing.
Final Thoughts
We have to accept that what we deem as antagonising or disruptive behaviour is a form of communication; that’s all. When we understand this, we’ll understand people better.
So often we judge others on face value alone, and because of this, we’re usually blind to the challenges they’re facing and therefore don’t understand the language they speak.
To understand someone and their point of view, we need to be open to the possibility that there could be more than meets the eye. It might be something small that we can quickly rectify, but it could be something a lot more significant.
By taking the time and effort to understand ‘the other side’ and what motivates them puts us in a position of power.
When we understand the motivation, we present to the cause and not the problem. We promote harmony and not disfunction.
Before You Leave
Thanks for being here. I’d love to keep in touch so join my mailing list now for semi-regular e-mails about what’s been occupying my mind over recent weeks.
