Why We Should Stand Up to Bullies and Call Them Out on Their Behavior Even Though They May Not Change
You are most likely a perceived threat to the bully
Bullying can happen in any context, in the home, school, university, workplace, church, and more commonly nowadays, social media.
It’s not something that’s going to disappear, so we need to know how to deal with it.
No one wants to feel like a victim, but if you have been targeted by a bully there is no reason to feel bad about it. Bullies are predators.
“Being targeted by a bully does not mean that someone is weak. Despite the rise of attention which bullying has received over the past few years, there are still certain undertones which suggest that only weak people are bullied. Once again, this type of mindset places the onus and blame on individuals who are targeted, as opposed to bullying, which is innately predatory behavior.”
Bullies choose people who they perceive as a threat. They feel threatened by your unique qualities and fear you might outshine them.
Bullies are deeply insecure people who seek to gain a false sense of power by trying to make others feel small.
Bullies are everywhere, so the best thing we can do is to learn more about them.
What is Bullying?
“Bullying is the use of force, coercion, hurtful teasing or threat, to abuse, aggressively dominate or intimidate. The behavior is often repeated and habitual. One essential prerequisite is the perception (by the bully or by others) of an imbalance of physical or social power.
This imbalance distinguishes bullying from conflict. Bullying is a subcategory of aggressive behavior characterized by the following three criteria:
1. hostile intent
2. imbalance of power
3. repetition over a period of time.
Bullying is the activity of repeated, aggressive behavior intended to hurt another individual, physically, mentally, or emotionally.”
My Story
I was a quiet child, but I was never bullied in those early years. I was good at making friends and instinctively knew to avoid the more dramatic, aggressive types.
As a child, it was hard for me to understand why some people were so loud and attention-seeking. I just knew I didn’t want to get too close to people like that.
It was many years later when I was at the receiving end of bullying. It was quite an eye-opener and caused me a lot of pain and confusion at the time.
I was in a new nursing job in Ireland. I had been nursing in the UK for eight years and had just returned home to Ireland.
I was happy, had many friends and everything looked great until the nasty remarks started at work. “We don’t do it that way here,” or “You’re not in England now.”
Bitter, ugly comments every day.
They were a clique of narrow-minded nurses who had worked in CCU for many years and needless to say, had never left Ireland.
The bullying was so bad that I had to leave the job. After that experience, I was on my guard. I learned to watch out for the signs and vowed that I would never let anyone bully me again.
Life being life and bullies being everywhere, I met more and more.
They say, if God wants you to face something and learn to deal with it, it will keep showing up in your life.
So my journey began. This was a real thing in the workforce and I would have to learn how to deal with it.
I started by noticing signs of disrespect. If someone said something that was aimed to undermine me, I’d simply say, “Sorry, what did you say?”
I would not receive the comment, usually causing them to rephrase it and rethink their actions.
Or, if someone demanded that I do something when I was in the middle of another task, I’d say, “I will come when I am free.” I would not let them intimidate or rush me.
At work, I would tell them in advance when I wanted days off even if I had nothing planned because all the bullies would take their annual leave days way in advance and there would be no good days left.
I made sure I got my annual leave days when I wanted them.
If I was working with a group of nurses I didn’t like. I’d spend as little time as possible with them on my breaks.
But, the challenges got tougher and tougher until I found myself working in outpatients where the head nurse was a foreign nurse. She was a ringleader.
She was lazy and got her team to do her work for her. They did whatever she said. They were all foreign nurses too.
I said to them, “She won’t get me to do her work for her.”
I stood up to her many times until she got in a rage. I didn’t back down. I told her I’d report her for bullying if she didn’t get off my back.
That worked, and I carried on working there. She behaved better after that, but we were never friends.
It was hard for me during those years as I often had to work with awful people for twelve hours a day. But, I knew God was training me for life as bullies are everywhere.
As I grew more confident and started to achieve more success, the bullies popped up all over the place. This time closer to home.
I heard a saying once that goes like this, “No one is bothered by a bag lady”, meaning when you have nothing, you’re no threat.
Your success and self-confidence will drive the bullies wild with envy.
It was quite a shock to see them target me because a few years prior when I was depressed, they seemed to really like me.
Bullies like it when you’re down and they want to keep you down so they can shine. Their thinking is truly twisted.
So, the bullying started again by people close to me. At least I had been trained, although it was more hurtful this time.
I had to fight back as it came hard and fast. I was being verbally attacked, undermined, belittled, insulted, tricked, and lied to.
I had to rise up and take a stand.
When I’d pray, I’d hear in my spirit, “Go again, fight back. Don't let them win.”
I am not a competitive person and I don’t suffer from jealousy either, but this wasn’t a competition, this was me drawing a line in the sand.
No one would ever bully me again.
This went on for a long time. One of the bullies doesn’t talk to me now, and the others wanted to carry on as though nothing happened.
They refuse to take responsibility for their aggressive behavior.
I stay away from them now as they are not willing to change.
Why bullies bully?
“People bully because it can be an effective way of getting what they want, at least in the short term, and because they lack the social skills to do so without harming others. Bullying also is a way of establishing social dominance, although over time, as children’s behavioral repertoires generally broaden, it becomes an increasingly dysfunctional way.”
In the article, The Psychology of Bullying, Gabrielle Seunagal states that there are a number of reasons why bullies bully:
- Perceived threats
- A desire for power
- Revenge
- Cowardice
- Sadism
- Unresolved past trauma
Understanding the psychology of why people bully others is as important as understanding why people are targeted by bullies.
So let’s take a closer look at why certain individuals mistreat others. This is not to condone the behavior of bullies, but for us to understand the full picture so we as a society can find ways to deal with the problem of bullying.
Knowing why the bully does what they do can help the victims to forgive, although this does not excuse their behavior.
Bullying can never be justified.
The bully needs to address their issues and the more people say no to them, the more self-aware they will become.
So let’s look more carefully at why bullies bully others:
1. Perceived threats
Bullies perceive their targets as a threat. They are usually only aware of this subconsciously though. The bully feels threatened by the victim's uniqueness.
2. Desire for power
We live in a world where power is seen as the key to success. So, in this quest for more power, the bully feels the need to compete with everyone.
When they feel threatened by someone, they hone in on them to bring them down. Their aim is to crush them or get rid of them so they can shine. They usually do this by instilling fear in their victims or by excluding them.
3. Revenge
One of the less commonly discussed motivations of bullies is revenge. In this case, the bully believes they were wronged by the other person. But, revenge is never the solution to being wronged.
4. Cowardice
Gabrielle Seunagal refers to cyberbullying in her article. The research shows that the perpetrators usually know their victims, but they often disguise themselves by creating fake accounts.
This is one reason why I don’t like anonymity on social platforms. It is common here on Medium and I really don’t like it, so as a way to ensure I have safety, I read the articles of these anonymous accounts very carefully.
If I feel suspicious, I don’t engage or I block them altogether. We must all protect ourselves on social media.
5. Sadism
‘Pure sadism is certainly a factor with certain bullies and indicates a more pathological or even sociopathic drive behind their actions,’ according to Seunagal.
These bullies are the most dangerous as they have no conscience or feelings of remorse.
6. Unresolved past trauma
Bullies look strong on the exterior but just beneath the surface, they are extremely insecure. They usually have unresolved childhood trauma or past trauma.
If they do not get help for past traumas, the pain manifests in horrible ways, usually in the need for control which can lead to bullying.
It is well known that bullies were often victims of bullying in the past.
They need to get help to break the cycle of bullying.
Why is bullying so harmful?
“Bullying carries the implicit message that aggression and violence are acceptable solutions to problems when they are not. Cooperation and the peaceful resolution of differences support an increasingly interconnected world.”
Calling bullies out on their behavior
After my battle with the bullies in my life, I addressed their behavior individually, and not one of them would acknowledge that their behavior was wrong. They denied it completely and even tried to blame me.
I would repeat back what they said and the language they used, yet still, they took no responsibility for their actions.
Bullies seriously believe they are superior to you and that they can say and do whatever they like and you are simply to shut up and take it.
Many bullies even want to continue with the relationship using sweet manipulative tactics following the abuse.
Please do not fall for this because once they regain your trust they will abuse you again.
So, why should we call them out on their behavior if they are not going to change?
- You should call them out because you are doing it for yourself first and foremost. By calling them out, you are standing up for yourself and speaking your truth. You are showing them that their behavior is not acceptable.
- They are clearly getting away with it in other relationships, but you are letting them know that they will not get away with it with you.
- You are learning to say no to them and yes to yourself. You deserve to be treated with love and respect.
- You may help them to become more self-aware. If they hear it often enough, they might begin to see that what they are doing is wrong and they are not the center of the universe after all.
- You are showing them that bad behavior will not be rewarded and could result in the ending of the relationship.
- You are teaching them equality in relationships. Bullies hate when they do not get their own way. They want to be right, to be in control, and hold all the power in the relationship. They hate equality in their relationships.
- Our job is to show them that they are not entitled to that position. Relationships are supposed to be equal, so we must strive to find a win/win.
- We do it so we can define what a healthy relationship looks like for us. Bullies don’t have boundaries. They think they can do what they like.
We should also have the courage to speak up if another person is being bullied. If we don’t say something, this is again making the bully feel that what they are doing is okay when it is not. If someone else is being bullied, have the courage to say something.
When I was being bullied, there were many other people who knew it but did nothing to support me. This happens a lot.
Always tell someone if you feel you are being bullied and don’t be afraid to seek professional help if you are being bullied.
If you read this and you feel you may have a tendency to bully others or you have been called a bully, it might be good to talk to a therapist to find out for sure. You can heal your past traumas.
Final thoughts —
Don’t be afraid to stand up to bullies and call them out on their aggressive behavior.
Do not be alone in your struggle. Find someone to talk to and if it happens in the workplace, do not hesitate to report it to your manager.
Bullying is never acceptable, so learn to say no to bullies and take appropriate action if you are being bullied.
Remember, if you are the target of bullying, it’s simply because you have some special qualities that make the bully envious of you.
Protect yourself from bullying. Bullying happens all through life. I have seen it in every area of life, so please guard your heart and learn how to deal with the bullies in your life.
If you have to create distance from them for your sanity or safety, do so. You have no reason to feel guilty about it.
