Work on Making the Changes You Want to See

(Shoreline; photo courtesy of author)

It sounds easy enough, obvious really, but also in some ways impossible when you’re feeling low. When you’re feeling stuck and are facing seemingly insurmountable obstacles, it’s easier to do nothing, to feel sorry for yourself, or to live a life in rebellion and denial.

It is scary to confront the things you don’t like about yourself, your past, and your life, especially when you are caught up in it, when a way out or through seems unthinkable, unimaginable, and simply not feasible. But when there’s a will, there’s a way.

It took me to reach the age of 35 and the milestone of motherhood to begin to make the small and big changes to myself and my life that I wanted to see. I mourn that in my 20’s I let so many insecurities and destructive behaviors run rampant, that I didn’t know how to show up authentically for myself or other people in many ways. It took me years to take responsibility for my life, to understand that I inherently had always been worthy, regardless of any perceived flaws or past behaviors.

And, in not being authentic to myself, in not trusting myself to work toward the spiritual healing I had glimpsed a taste of, I inflicted further traumas on myself. I spun out the years in a haze of destructive behaviors, surviving as I could but…