Your Happiness is Your Responsibility, Don’t Keep it on the Back Burner
There is nothing like a perfect lady, don’t even try to be..
This is the university library, it is afternoon. Students, faculties and research scholars are sitting and absorbed in their reading. Professor Adira Robert, a professor of communication, was immersed in reading a book when her phone rang, breaking the silence. She looked at the screen and cut the call. She put the phone on silent mode and continues her reading.
Prof Adira is in her early 50s and a regular face at the library. She is a single mother and runs an NGO for helping women. Her phone is ringing again. Adira doesn’t wish to leave the book. She cut the phone again. It is her old student, Grace. The phone is vibrating, the screen is showing several messages from Grace. One more call, reluctantly she got up and left the library to answer the call.
On the phone
Grace: Ma’am, Grace, please guide me on what should I do, I need to do something.
Adira: How are you dear?
Grace: I am fine. But nothing is happening in my life, I need to do something.
Adira: Hamm, but you never reached out for the job interview I arranged for you, last week.
Grace: Oh yeah! Ma’am…. (pause) I was out with family; I could not go. I am getting frustrated; I don’t know what to do.
Adira: It is the fifth interview where you could not reach, you are taking everything for granted. Even for higher studies, my references have been wasted. How can anyone help you?
Grace: I am so confused, what to do?
Adira: You always knew what to do, it is your choice not to do.
Grace: What? No Ma’am, it is not so, you don’t know my situation.
Adira: What situation I could not understand in the last six years?
Grace: I am a mother now, things are not easy.
Adira: Marie Curie the great scientist, Margaret Thatcher, Hilary Clinton, Michele Obama, Indira Gandhi, Falguni Nayar, Indra Nooyi, they all were mothers. I am also a mother. Wake up dear. We all have raised our kids; none is a bad mother.
Bell rings. Adira looks at her watch. It is time to go home.
Adira: Grace I never taught my students to fall for self-pity, you are also not an exception. I had offered so many opportunities to you for work and higher studies but you never responded.
Adira waits, Grace is silent.
Adira: Grace, be honest to yourself, and be clear about what you want from this life, you cannot remain vague forever. (pause) I need to go dear; I have work to finish.
Grace is silent, the phone went dead and Adira returned to the library feeling uneasy.
For the next two weeks, Adira got busy with her previous commitments, she had to travel to Germany for a women’s conference on gender equality. On her way back, on the plane. she was exhausted and half asleep. On a small TV screen in front of her seat, she saw news of a lady who had assaulted her husband and been arrested by the police. Adira could not see her face and fell asleep.
When she reached home, the next morning, it was a weekend and she had no office work, Adira decided to spend the day in her home library to write an article about the Conference she attended two days back. She brewed herself a black coffee, picked up her tablet to check the daily news and lounged on the sofa.
In the daily news, she thought she saw the face of Grace. She ignored it at first, but it appeared again on some other page. Adira put down her mug of coffee and scrolled back. To her shock, it was Grace indeed, and she was handcuffed.
Adira (to herself)- Oh God! What has happened here?
Adira sat straight and read the news in one breath. Grace was the one who attacked her husband. The news she had seen on the plane, was of Grace only.
Adira was sad to see Grace in this condition, she remembers how brilliant and active a girl Grace was as a student. She was a dancer, a singer and a hardworking student with lots of dreams. What had gone wrong with her? Adira only knew that she got married immediately after her graduation. As a teacher, Adira has envisioned Grace as a councillor, a therapist, a model a businesswoman but never as an aggressive criminal in jail. Six years of Grace’s life flashed before Adira’s eyes in a few minutes. Grace had called her many times for a job or for continuing her studies, but she never reached out to receive help.
On Monday, Adira remained upset, she could not get Grace out of her mind. The world around her was also discussing Grace. Without much thinking, on Tuesday she drove to the police station where Grace was held.
Seeing Adira Grace cried like a baby. She clung to Adira’s hands and didn’t let go. But the meeting time was short, so Adira started the conversation
Adira: what happened dear?
Grace: I don’t know, I love Andrew so much, he is my life, I don’t know how I hit him.
Adira: what was bothering you so much that you ended up here?
Grace: I don’t know, I was happy means everything was fine at home and all were happy.
Adira: Really? You don’t know? Then who does? Is this lock-up your vacation plan?
Grace: How can You ………?
Adira: I don’t want to be harsh, but I need to know what changed you so much. A brilliant ambitious student in jail.
Grace cried silently and didn’t answer. Adira waits for a few moments.
Adira: Tell me how things are at home, how is your family?
Grace: (Stammering and shivering) They all are good
Adira: yes, I am listening.
Grace: Andrew is doing well; he has joined his father’s business and he is a busy man. My in-laws are very happy as they are grandparents now. Ryan my son, is so adorable, I love him so much, and I live for him (she is crying again)
Adira: what happened that day?
Grace: I was unhappy and this feeling was with me for many months. I needed to go out, alone; I needed a break from my monotonous life. I just wanted to be with me. I told this thing to Andrew, to my parents many times, but nobody offered the solution.
Adira: ok, then?
Grace: I fell sick, I request everyone to take care of the home, to stay at home so that I take complete rest for a while. I needed someone to take care of home and Ryan for a little time. but everyone, every single person had plans for themselves. I was the only one without a plan. I was available, too much available, all the time, for all of them. I felt like a stupid, idiot.
Adira: then?
Grace: I tried many times to share what I was going through but no one was listening or say, understanding my pain.
Silence for some time, Grace takes a deep breath and starts speaking again, Adira is listening attentively.
Grace: That day I fought over this with Andrew and then I lost my temper and hurt him, but believe me I never wished for this, it just happened.
Adira: hmmm, so you brought Grace up to this level.
Grace: what?
Adira: You made Grace to behave like this.
Grace: Me? How?
The officer in the police station hints at the watch, the time for the meeting was over. Adira gets up slowly.
Adira: I am leaving now, but will come again tomorrow, hope you will be knowing the answer by then. I want you to focus on this, how you landed here and what have you missed while taking care of all the responsibilities.
There is silence. Adira don’t want to push Grace but She had to identify the issues of her life. So much damage has already been done. It is high time for Grace to wake up from her slumber and illusions.
Adira leaves. In the lock-up, Grace is restless.
Grace (talking to herself): How I forced Grace to be in this situation?
Suddenly, she realized her husband or her in-laws had not visited her in lock up. In shock, she could not realize it. She got up and called the officer.
Grace to the officer- Can I talk to my husband.
Officer- Oh you’ve come to your senses now.
Grace could not understand the reason for his mocking. The officer let her make a call. Grace dialed the number. Her husband picked up the phone
Grace- Andrew..
Andrew- Grace, why are you calling me now?
Grace (cut him off)- Why haven’t you come to see me?
Andrew- why will I, after you hit me? I was in the hospital for one day, do you realize what have you done?
Grace- I was disturbed, please try to understand me, give me a chance to explain, Andrew.
Andrew- Disturbed, for what? For sitting idle at home, for getting a safe and good future provided by me, please tell me what made you so disturbed that you hit me, you are so ungrateful.
Grace: I was busy at home.
Andrew: Every woman does that? What is so special about it?
Grace: Nothing special, just that I forgot to live for myself.
Andrew: now what is this? You are not separate from the home?
Grace: yes, but it’s different. I live for you; I live for this home and I forgot that I need to do lots of things for myself also
Andrew: I don’t understand what are you saying. I am so disappointed in you.
Grace: Please come to see me, I need to see Ryan, he must be missing me.
Andrew: what if you hurt him too, then? You cannot meet Ryan, you are unfit.
Grace realized and was very clear about what has happened to her life. Grace was getting numb. She could not hear what Andrew was saying, she thought she had sacrificed her career and ambitions for him but this is not what Andrew thought. She was in shock and she fainted. The phone receiver was hanging in the air.
In the hospital, when she woke up Adira was there.
Adira: How are you feeling, Grace?
Tears were streaming down her eyes; her eyes were swollen.
Grace: I am sorry mam; I am so sorry I could not understand it, I was living in an illusion of perfection. I ruined my life.
Adira let her cry, she needed to vent out her frustration and pain. After a while, Grace was a bit calm.
Adira: Now can you tell me what exactly happened?
Grace: From where to start mam?
Adira: start from the beginning, good for you also.
Grace: I grew up in a disciplined and traditional environment. I learned from an early age that I need to be a good daughter, a good student and then a good wife, a perfect woman in all aspects. In this process, my parents forgot to tell me to focus on my life too.
Adira: hmmm, then what has changed now?
Grace: I got married as our families were business partners and to make my parents happy, I agreed to this marriage, immediately after graduation. My married life was good, Andrew was taking care of business. My in-laws were happy as grandparents of Ryan. I did all to be a perfect wife and mother but I was not happy. Everyone said I am perfect but I was not feeling that way.
Adira was listening carefully.
Grace: I started feeling more like the sofa and gas stove of my house, perfectly doing the job but not reaching anywhere, in fact, we are not visible to anybody, and nobody asks us how we are feeling or what we want. Who asks the sofa, how are you today, do you need something? (She was laughing but tears were streaming down)
Adira felt pity for her but preferred to remain silent. Grace needs to come out of this.
Adira: It is fine dear, if you can see the problem with clarity, then you can find the solution too.
Grace is silent. She is tying her uncombed, dirty hair in a bun.
Adira: You have suppressed your desires for so many years, but suppressing does not mean these desires disappeared, these remained there only, inside you, and when this vessel of patience got filled, the suppressed, ignored desires came out bursting like a volcano. The same thing happened to you; a sweet dedicated girl become so angry. That is how you hit the person you loved so much.
Grace: I cannot blame anybody, I decided to be a perfect wife, daughter or daughter-in-law, it was my choice to compromise myself for making others happy. I did not fight for myself. I never put my happiness as a priority.
Adira: Can you define this ‘perfect’ in all these relationships?
Grace: No, I cannot, as there is no limit to this scale of being perfect. I can finish myself even then this scale can have space for more improvement.
Adira: Can you define a happy woman?
Grace: Yeah, now I can, I know what happiness is, when you live the life of your choice, it is not dependent on the happiness of other people. I never thought this way. I forgot to take care of my happiness. I changed my life into a duty.
Adira: I wish all women to understand this basic thing, happiness leads to happiness, and only a happy person can make others happy.
Grace: I took so much time to understand this, I ruined everything? What will I do now?
Adira: the first thing to start with is, to start asking all questions from Grace, what Grace wants and do accordingly. What makes Grace happy and satisfied?
Grace is silent.
Grace: Grace wants her life back. She wants her son to be with her, she wants her family to accept Grace as she is. Grace wants to relive Grace again, to fulfil her dreams. Grace wants to live as Grace.
Adira: Grace needs lots of things,
She laughs loudly, Grace smiles but the pain is still there in her eyes.
Adira and Grace are sitting silent, holding each other’s hand and looking out of the window, the sky is blue and clear. Both were aware that things will not be easy but not impossible either. It is never late to start your life and Adira has witnessed it so many times. Grace will be one more addition to this experience. Grace was awake now.
After five years, Adira sees Grace as an entrepreneur, making her way into the digital world. She is still a loving wife, a doted mother and a good daughter, the only difference is Grace is happy now.
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