You’re Sad? Stressed? Angry?
Some will hate me for saying this, but… it’s on you!
Do you feel it’s harsh? Read a bit more before making your mind, will you?
To start with, I also think that when we’re happy, relaxed and good-humoured, that too, is on us. We are the ones responsible for our emotions. Nobody else. And we need to own this. Because this is how we gain leadership over our lives back. This is how the power runs back to us. This is how we move out of Victimhood.
A couple of weeks ago, someone told me I had offended them.
I had just arrived in Porto, eventually alone, thinking I’d be reconnecting with myself again after ten days of having company 24/7. Don’t get me wrong, it was absolutely amazing, but I needed me-time, and I had decided I’d give myself just that. I know the importance of it and the more it goes, the more I enjoy it.
Sometimes though, the Universe has other plans for you. And who am I to contradict them?
So, I reached the hostel and there I met this other traveller, full of amazing stories. We went for food and then a drink, that became two, that became a few more. But I was truly exhausted and mentally drained. I seriously needed down-time. He argued that death would give us just that, and that life was to be lived to the fullest. But I believe, I can’t quite live my life to the fullest if I am not able to give it my best self, and that requires listening to my body, mind and spirit. To him, my answer was not satisfying and he insisted we tossed a coin.
I agreed and I called: “Head I win, tail you lose” and we shook on it.
I tossed the coin. Head: I won.
Obviously not thrilled with the results, he told me that we should do it out of three times. I obviously accepted (if you’re wondering about the “obviously”, re-read: Head I win, tail you lose).
He tossed. Tail: he lost.
The coin was tossed only twice, but the die was cast.
I could see the rapid succession of various emotions on his face: the misunderstanding at first, then the realisation he had been played, the disbelief at how simple the trick was, the frustration for falling for it, some slight resentment -mainly (but not only) oriented towards me, the desire to settle things. Maybe a few others I would not be able to name, after all, I did not know the guy. He proceeded to tell me it was not fair, and I was not really disagreeing, but I had only used the first tool at my disposition, one that was of no serious consequence. I still apologised for playing that trick on him. He said it was ok, but that I had offended him a bit and that I had to stay to be forgiven.
So I stayed. That was a compelling argument. No, I did not feel like I had to be forgiven. But yes, I felt like debating over who held the responsibility for the way he was feeling.
You see, even though I was the one that played the trick and used it to my advantage, I was not the one responsible for all the emotions he felt. Neither the disbelief, nor the frustration, nor the resentment.
Let me explain: That same trick was used on me. I felt a bit silly (let’s be honest), but at the same time happy to have learnt something new. So I said: “Fair-play, I did not pay attention, that’s on me!”, not: “It’s not fair, you tricked me, I’ll get back at you!”
If the same action can elicit different reactions in different people, then it’s not the person creating the situation nor the situation itself that generate our emotions. It is only a result of our perception and the way we choose to react to life.
If you don’t want to feel like a victim, don’t see or paint yourself as one.
When you begin taking responsibility for the way you feel, you start getting your power back. If you blame it on others on the other hand, then they are the ones having power over you, and this is how you become a victim.
So when you feel hurt, don’t say they hurt you, but that you feel hurt and that you are the one to decide for how long and how much, if at all because you might realise it is not even worth it.
Actions are just that. Actions. Pure cold fat facts. Choose how you see them. Have a more positive outlook on life. See that everything people do is motivated by forces you might not be aware of. What they do is about them, not you.
Now, I have bad news and good news for you:
The bad news is we are biologically wired to see danger (not becoming a crocodile’s dinner, drowning in a puddle, or burning down in flames, you know, for the survival of the species and such). So in a way, our brain is trained to see the negative around us.
The good news is though, that this is just a habit. And like all habits, it can be transformed. We can rewire our brain to modify the perception and thus the reaction. Here are a couple of things I have been implementing for quite a while now, and not only can I feel the difference but the ones around me too:
Gratitude Journaling
It is a virtuous circle: I write about what I am grateful for in my life. It can be a conversation with a stranger or a family member, a wonderful scenery I was not expecting to see, a beautiful song I heard, a moment where I felt peace and harmony, having the AC in that Brazilian youth hostel I am staying at (at this precise moment in time, to me, this is humankind’s most fantastic invention, believe me. In a year though, when I am in Sweden, it might be hot water, who knows…)
To write about these moments though, I have to witness them, live in the present moment, with mindfulness. This means the things I will focus on will be more positive than not, they are the ones I get to document! And as I write it, I get to relive it. Win-win!
In a way, I create those moments. Not because I am a magician that pulls them out of her that. No, everything is already there, but we spend so much time focusing on the bad and the ugly that we do not see the good and wonderful and we end up missing all these opportunities of magical moments.
For Arianna Huffington (yes, the Huffington’s post founder),
“Gratitude works its magic by serving as an antidote to negative emotions. It’s like white blood cells for the soul, protecting us from cynicism, entitlement, anger, and resignation.”
Meditation
I know, you’ve heard about that one a million times already. But if great CEOs pay coaches to learn how to meditate and then pay those same coaches again to give seminars to their own employees, maybe it is worth it. And if they can do it, why can’t you?
Money? This is not a real obstacle, there are so many apps that offer free guided meditations, you can also find a plethora of good ones on Youtube.
One I really like is called the 6 phase meditation. Really good for beginners and more advanced practitioners too.
But I do not always want to have someone talking in my hear, so I also simply sit and focus on my breathing or simply do nothing, being in effortless silence. You can also repeat mantras or affirmations. All of the above is meditation. I choose what my session will be like depending on the day, on my mood and on the objective I have in mind.
Find yours and make your brain used to quieting your mental negative chatter.
Time? I like to say that the more you feel you do not have time to meditate, the more you actually need to make the time to meditate.
It calms you down, puts things back into perspective, allows you to relax your body.
According to a Harvard Medical Scool study, it helps you process new information better, has positive effects on your memory and allows you to regulate your emotions (what we are looking for, right?).
As to Carnegie Mellon University, they found benefits both for mental health and physical well-being. And in the end, this is what will give you time back!
Spend time meditating to make time living.
Plus you do not need to meditate for 2 hours every day. You can start with 5 minutes and gradually increase the time you spend doing it. The key is regularity, not length.
What people send your way, you are not obliged to accept. If you do not take it, then it is not yours. What is yours, is the decision to accept or refuse.
I told my new Polish friend I believe that more often than not, it is our ego and social constructs that push us to react and feel the way we do. We learn, from a very young age how to react to situations. Our parents teach us, school teaches us, the media teaches us, and in some cases, religion teaches us.
Don’t get me wrong, all our learnings are not to be discarded, far from it but at least questioned.
“The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.”― Albert Einstein
If we put our ego aside, then this coin toss is no more than a fun game, isn’t it? And what your boss told you, simply a reflection of the horrible morning he had. Your partner not texting you back? They could not. And if indeed they could, and it is a habit of theirs not to do it, then don’t waste your time feeling bad about it. Find a way to discuss it. If it works, great, if it does not and this too important to you, then you know what you should do.
So, in those situations where, despite the journaling and meditating, your feelings are still toying with you, ask yourself:
Is it my hurt ego talking?
Is it really that important or am I making it a bigger deal than it is?
Can I change the situation?
Thinking about this will already help making you feel more at peace.
Take responsibility for your emotions, get your power back.
NB: Before this backfires: This article is not to be used as an excuse to become a horrible person! You should obviously not go around insulting people just because they are the ones responsible for their own feelings and emotions! Remember, what goes around, comes around. Love too.
