Active listening
How To Learn To Listen To Others!
When we think of communication, we most often think first of transmitting a message. But we often forget the second part, at least as important, if not more important: receiving this message, that is to say, listening.
What is active listening?
Active listening is a concept developed by Carl Rogers. It is also called sympathetic listening. But before defining it, let's start by seeing what it is not...
Do you find yourself listening with one ear while glancing at your Instagram notifications?
Do you find yourself listening to someone while waiting for your dish to arrive at a restaurant?
Do you ever listen to someone while preparing your counterargument or response in your head at the same time?
As you will have understood, these are counter-examples of active listening. Active listening is listening focused not on the listener, with their judgments and concerns, but focused on the person who expresses themselves, verbally and non-verbally. It is based on a climate of trust and kindness.
What are the main principles of active listening?
In my opinion, the main principles of active listening fall into four main categories:
Not interrupting the person who is speaking
It’s about letting her/him follow through with her idea without cutting her off. This also involves allowing him to leave silence without rushing to express himself in turn.
The fact of being available for the person who is speaking:
This requires physical availability (we are not doing something else at the same time, looking out the window, etc.) but also mental availability (we are not projecting our judgments and experiences about what the other is telling us).
Being available also means refraining from manifestations of impatience or boredom (staring into space, sighing, etc.).
Empathy
It’s about truly putting ourselves in the place of the other, and not copying our experience, our interpretation... on what they tell us.
Empathy also involves analyzing the mode of communication of the person who is expressing themselves (tone of voice, rhythm of speech, etc.) and adapting to this to create a climate of trust between the person who is expressing themselves and the person who is speaking.
Listen
Invite the person speaking to elaborate. This can involve asking him relevant questions (once he has finished expressing himself) to understand him even better, or by rephrasing his words to ensure that they have been understood correctly.
OK but concretely, how do I apply it in my relationship?
This is all very good, but how can you implement it when you haven't learned to listen?
To anchor this mode of communication in your relationship, i suggest that you approach the matter in a fairly academic way: once a week (or a month; the pace is to be defined between you), you set yourself a half hour of 'active listening.
For the first ten minutes, one of you speaks without being interrupted. Even if there are silences, you do not interrupt this moment until ten minutes have passed. You will see that silences attract much less superficial thoughts than what “ comes out” first.
During the next five minutes, the person can go deeper, rephrasing what was said or asking questions, but without providing judgment or solutions.
During the next fifteen minutes, you reverse the roles.
At the end of thirty minutes, you can continue with a more “ advance” discussion.
