“Childfree by Choice” Made Me Want to Have Children
It has been a few years since “Childfree by Choice” by Dr. Amy Blackstone landed in my mailbox, and during that period, my views on marriage, children, and feminism have evolved.
The well-written, carefully-researched book advocates for women who choose to forgo having kids and want to create a “new age of independence.”
It touts the benefits of remaining child-free, from the liberty to vacation at will to creating a community and legacy that isn’t child-centered. The book even suggests the pervasive concept of maternal instinct is a myth.
Dr. Blackstone’s arguments were sound. Many of them may even be true. But instead of persuading me to renounce child-rearing and shun gender norms, they reaffirmed a small voice inside of me that said life without children would not feel complete.
I wasn’t always sure. Growing up, my parents often told me how wonderful having children was, but it was difficult for me to see myself with them. I didn’t feel that I had a clear picture of what motherhood would be like for me, especially as a child of divorce surrounded by non-traditional careers.
I was an independent, unconventional, and outspoken child, teenager, and young woman. I rarely accepted norms at face value and was not eager to jump on the suburban conveyor belt.
I had no interest in resigning myself to a life of custom. Like my peers, I grew up post sexual revolution and under the impression religion was oppressive and the old atheist standard, “responsible for all war.”
Though I always believed in a higher power, I didn’t recognize the social benefits and well-being that the church offered.
But, as much as I valued my independence and embraced my libertarian tendencies, I knew that social isolation and anarchy were not the answers. As human beings, we are wired for connection and procreation.
Too often, modern feminism attempts to blot out the realities of our biology and make fringe exceptions examples for all lesser women to strive for. There are some experiences in life that cannot be replaced or reformulated, no matter how much progressive ideology wishes it were so.
Marriage and parenting are difficult, and sometimes having more wealth and freedom to do what you want at a moment’s notice may sound more appealing. But, binging Netflix, buying expensive handbags, or traveling to all-inclusive resorts are not worthy alternatives to building a family.
Though these may not be the rewards the book advocated for, these are the things I see most millennial, child-free women doing with their extra time and money.
It is possible to have a full life and create community without children of your own. Parenting is not the only road to fulfillment. But, like much of the childfree, follow-your-own-path rhetoric present today, this book had echoes of selfishness and materialism.
When Dr. Blackstone complained that her doctors repeatedly shunned her desire for tubal ligation, citing she may change her mind, she let her frustration cloud the reality. Most women still want to have children.
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