“Mama, please don’t die!”
I did not expect to hear these words from my then 3-year-old, seemingly out of the blue.
As soon as I gave birth to my first child, I began to fear dying, or more specifically, an untimely death. There is no loving parent who does not wish to be there with and for their children for as long as they can. I am no different.
We hear of friends, strangers, and even loved ones who are said to have died untimely deaths. With this, people simply mean they died too young, or their manner of death could have been avoided. But this is belied by one line my mom used to always repeat to me whenever the subject of death would come up, “No one dies ahead of his time.”
Whichever belief you hold, one thing we all could agree on is that the possibility and/or certainty of death is a profound wake-up call to anyone. Death brings to life so much reflection and possibility.
It certainly is not a comforting thought to me. Or at least not yet. My children are still young. I still have a 4-year-old. But since our time here on earth is not entirely in our hands, on some days like today I am tempted (even prodded by some weird sense of urgency) to write down what I would not want to be left unsaid.
So, here’s to you my dear ones — my 3 beloved children.
Yes, you’ve seen me in moments wherein out of conflicted thoughts and exhausted patience, I raised my hands and said, I’m tired of this!
Please forgive me. That was not my heart speaking. Love is tireless, but motherhood is human. Time and again, I fall, fail, and fear causing you lifelong harm but by grace, I keep forging ahead doing this sacred task of being your mom.
Yes, it is a God-given work, one I don’t necessarily believe I’m all that qualified for. Thankfully, faith and the sheer force of love guide me every step of the way. Somehow moms suddenly become “advice experts” just by virtue of being a mom. We feel entitled to say our piece on just about anything. Big stuff and the small stuff. So here goes.
Yes, you really do need to eat your vegetables. It’s not a choice, just like drinking water is not a choice. Our bodies are built needing them, so they are musts. Try to train your tongue to love what your health needs. Green tea, beef, and broccoli. Seeds and nuts. Vitamin D, essential minerals, and more. Tell you what, when I was younger, I did not necessarily get excited about being wished good health on my birthday although I appreciated the thought. But trust me, as you grow older, you’ll smart up and embrace that wish and make it part of your every prayer.
Yes, it is so much easier to enjoy life when you are not in any pain.
Yes, physical pain is one thing, but some say, the worst pains are not physical. I feel this sentiment. Know that there are such things as emotional wounds and mental anguish. So many people walk around us carrying these conditions and quite often, all we see are symptoms, some glimpses of a call for attention, or a cry for help. For so many, this crowded world is surprisingly lonely and isolating. I hope you will have the heart to stop and take notice. The only thing beautiful about suffering is how it is eased by love.
Yes, love is the best medicine, especially God’s love. So, strive for a steady dose of that. I don’t think we could spare you from troubles and trials, even if we tried. There will be disappointments, frustrations, fears, failures, and illnesses that could come when you least expect them. Pray for God to ready your mind, heart, and faith for what is coming. Brace for them with a faith mindset.
Yes, faith is our foundation. It keeps us connected to our Source, the giver of our life. Think in terms of faith and you will see that life is meaningful and purposeful no matter what.
Yes, you also need habits of deep breaths, reflection (this includes the all-too-necessary life skill of self-awareness), gratitude, stretches, quiet walks, belly laughs, sunshine on your face, surprise treats, daylight touching your eyes, and stars staring down at you from the night sky. Keep moving for as long as you can.
Yes, learning to regulate your emotions is another critical life skill. Sorrows and failures have their value. No matter how deep the trouble may seem, it will pass. Joys, too. Take them as they come and let them go. Everything passes, but you do need to hold on to constants in your life. Pillars of hope and support.
Yes, you need your family close by, if not always by place, but always by heart. Stay in touch and remain connected in every way that matters. Extend your family circle as widely and open-heartedly as possible. Share your joys and pains with one another. Never give up on family.
Yes, be kind to them, and to yourself, and to every person you meet. Truth be told, the older I get, the more I realize that being kind is my only real and enduring aspiration. Every other ambition serves only by making us more capable of kindness. I always go back to it, and I often fail to live up to my own standards, but I keep trying. I have always felt this way long before I saw a clip of that wise kid who was asked what he would like to be when he grew up, and he remarked, “I would like to be kind.” I know you have the same dream not because you told me but because I’ve seen it in what you do.
Yes, be kind not just to people you know but especially to those you do. Seek friendships that would hopefully survive space and time. Nurture relationships because having people who genuinely care for you and remain in your life is such a source of comfort, security, and lifelong joy. I truly hope, too, that you find this in a life partner one day when the right time comes.
Yes, marriage is one big, transformational decision you make, with far more lasting consequences than the choice of a career. You carve that life hopefully with help and guidance from all the right places. Seek advice not just from anybody you know but from people who know you and your non-negotiables such as faith and family. Seek counsel from the elderly. Sometimes they need it more than you. It makes them feel valued and respected to be asked for love and light.
Yes, we need help more often than we care to admit. And we hope for people to show up for us in different ways. Often it is not enough to say, I need help. You actually need to let people know what kind of help you need. Listen, everyone’s love and help language is not always the same. Sometimes helping could mean letting you suffer what you must so you may grow in strength. So, tell someone when you need help and what kind of help you need — a listening ear, a hand of support, a shoulder to cry on, eyes that will look at your pain and acknowledge it, without judgment. Be clear on what you need. Money, … making sense of things... more hugs?
Yes, hugs do more good than you’d care to believe. And when you hug, I suggest that you let it linger. Let the other person feel the warmth of your arms, the care from your heart. Draw as much comfort from it as you give. I recall hugging my own Mama this way whenever we’d part. I could feel the beating of her heart and let her feel mine. Warm, tender, and loving. No rush. I savored those moments in every possible way which is why I could now relive them in my mind long after they ended. This is how I hug you, too. Trust me, you never lose the warmth. If, by any small chance you do and one day you feel alone, lonely, and abandoned, pray. Seek God’s all-embracing love and enduring hug.
Yes, when all else fails and in fact even before you make your tiniest, first effort on anything and everything, pray. I don’t think we were ever meant to navigate through life alone. Our minds and hearts are too limited. And since the next person is the same way, there is no single person who could pave the way for you at all times. We need a Higher Power to see what we can’t, receive what we need and do what we must.
Yes, and you hear me say this quite often. It is my personal mantra after all. Practice what you pray. If you ask for good health, take care of your health. If you seek help with a problem, work on the solution, as if it depends on you alone. If you ask to be blessed with joy, strive to connect with loved ones, friends, and strangers. Be kind. Often, we pray asking for help to do difficult things, but it is also those same difficult things that we ourselves must do, enabled by a Hand that is not ours.
Yes, I always pray to be a good mama to you, and I try so hard to practice it.
Oh yes, seriousness aside, it turns out Max was just reacting to something he saw on a funny video when he suddenly exclaimed, “Mama please don’t die!” But I do ask to be blessed with a long enough life so I can be there for you, see and celebrate milestones, memories and moments, highs and lows. If and when we must part, we let go with gratitude and hold on to love with grace. I thank you for giving me a reason to strive for a love that never dies. You are my true glimpses of heaven.
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P.S. I am so glad you’re reading my story.
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