I sat down today, in my car during lunchtime. Normally, I band with my colleagues over lunch, we share eating stuff but today was different. I walked back 10 minutes, a kilometer away to the abandoned tower which hosts our parking. Tip toes to the 2nd basement, found my car nicely tucked in a corner and sat down.
It was silent, the interior. Eerily haunting. I swear I could sense my blood pumping. My lungs felt bloated, like shards of glass puncturing it and the air refilling it immediately. My eyes felt vacuumed back into my cranium. My hands were shaking. My heart felt hollow, my gut was munching down in plain emptiness. It’s bowling was like an industrialized mincer, adding more misery.
My brain was running on overdrive. It was narrating a tale of utter sorrow in a brutal tone. On the surface, I was successful, but I feared incompleteness. The sense of responsibility ripples through my paranoia of not being enough. I’m still stuck in the endless loop of distraught. Who am I and Who I want to be don’t correlate. They say that you have to stand straight, on a firm ground to see your future, to guard your family. But I feel like I AM brittle, I could see the large cracks forming beneath me.
The laugh, mock and ridicule me. A man, nearly 26. You imbecile, You are no man. I cried there and then, I laughed in between shock that why am I even crying. I though my demons would be locked away by now. Far away from the sunshine that God lined my life with. But reality has been deceiving me. It is I that is locked, alongside the mind-numbing, stomach-churning sense of disbelief in myself and my ability. I search for the key to break always, to run. Yet I find myself crashing back every single time, when I do escape. I’m locked in this Coliseum of horror.
The funny part is that, so many people reach out to me. People say I’m a good listener. Yet I don’t find ears, when I speak. They share their problems. I put on this fake persona of a picture perfect gentleman. No issues, life sorted, brimming with peace and happiness. So I sell tales and lore, stories and peons of how to be successful and happy. Ironic, I know. Who am I even fooling at this point. I’m a chocolate bunny encapsulating physical void, in a world where I pretend to be the ‘THE CHOCOLATE BAR' that will cure every problem, every issue. Some days my heart craves for my own chocolate bar, someday I will get it. But that has been the staple of my whole life.
It’s 2.30 pm, Lunch time is over. I should get back to my work place. See you all some other day.
