Reflections on Lost Love
I’ve written two articles, but they don’t feel right. That’s not really my forte. I actually prefer writing my own stuff — my own stories — and this is where my strengths lie. So today, I want to share about my own story, which is my first relationship, from start to finish.
New Beginnings
After graduating from college, I came to a brand new city for more opportunities. I was alone. I had no friends. I didn’t know anyone here. It felt completely foreign to me. Additionally, my job search journey was not entirely satisfying.
I couldn’t find my feet in this new city. I felt lonely and longed to be in a relationship. Whether it’s a friendship or a romantic relationship. However, I knew it would be easier to find someone on a dating app than to make friends in real life.
The New Encounter
Dating apps turned out to be more fun than I had anticipated. I found it easier to chat with strangers online without any emotional burden. After browsing different dating apps for almost a week, I encountered someone I thought was sweet and heartwarming. After chatting online for a week, we decided to meet in a coffee shop.
In fact, it was his decision. I don’t know if it’s because it was my first time using dating apps and I lacked experience in chatting with strangers online, or because I have a passive personality, so he made all the decisions, from when to chat, what topics to chat about, and even the request to meet in the end was all made by him.
He was not my type
I’d never had the experience of meeting someone from online to offline. I have to admit that, although it was a great date, he wasn’t really my type.
He became very active after that date. Since he had to work during the day and I was busy job hunting, we only chatted in the evenings before the date. However, the frequency of his messages quickly increased after the date. I knew what that meant. However, I didn’t ignore him, even though I knew he wasn’t where my heart was.
I said yes
We chatted online more than a month, during which we also met offline several times. One day (I think it was a Friday evening, I don’t recall it quite well), he came to my apartment with flowers. I knew what he was going to do the moment I saw him.
Sure enough, I said yes. But I didn’t quite understand how I felt. Whether I liked him or I just wanted a relationship. I know, I said in the previous paragraph that he was not my type. However, you have to realize that human feelings are quite complex things. Although, I didn’t like him at first, but after chatting with this person every day for a month, I felt that I liked him.
And just like that, I vaguely started my first relationship
It was great
After we were together, we became closer. Also, I became more proactive in the relationship. I would take the initiative to send messages to ask if he had eaten. If he would come to my apartment after getting off work, or if I would go to his place, etc. I also started looking forward to meeting him every day.
After a month, I asked him if we could live together. I know that sounds crazy, considering we had only known each other for a little over two months. What can I say. It happened quickly, like fire meeting gasoline. I even began to feel that my conclusion that “he was not my type” was wrong.
This is how our two-year romance began(actually one year).
The first year
The first year together went smoothly. Of course, petty fights were unavoidable. Overall, it was great. And we had alot of beautiful memories. The most beautiful memory was we went on a trip together to another city for the first time. It was a small yet beautiful and cozy city, where I’d never been. We’ve been there for three days, and we had a whale of a time. We took a ferry to a small island, and we stayed in a hotel by the sea. To be honest, that was my first time seeing sea(maybe that’s why my brain stores it). And I was 25.
The weather was very nice that day. The sky was very blue, with only a few small white clouds. We walked on the beach and played in the sand. I also went into the sea and swam for a while (actually, I just pretended to swim in the shallow water because I can’t swim). We stayed at the beach until evening. That felt great. Especially in the evening, the sea takes on a red hue as the sun sets. That feeling of joy is still with me as I write this article.
After watching the sunset, we went to the island’s urban area to find food. After playing at the beach for most of the day, we were starving. We had grilled scallops and paella (my mouth is watering just thinking about it).
There were many wonderful memories between us, but I don’t want to go into details. So that ends the wonderful story of the first year. I have another year to talk about
Actually, I saw that was coming.
The second year went off to a rocky start. Like I said, we had some little fights from the beginning. But we’d always been able to handle it pretty well. There will always be someone who gives in and takes the initiative to apologize. But this year, things had changed. Not only were petty disputes becoming more frequent, but we all held our own opinions and refused to compromise. Most importantly, we started to dislike each other.
After two months of fighting, we eventually decided to separate for a while to give each other some space and time to calm down and think about our relationship.
I moved out as I was the one moving into his apartment. However, I didn’t move too far. I rented an apartment just a few blocks from his. I think it’s because I wanted, or I hoped, we could get back together.
I had a hard time getting out of this relationship. Even though we just decided to separate temporarily, I couldn’t bear to live without him. I messaged him every day. Asked him if he was available for a dinner on the weekend. But all I got was a heartless “no”. It seemed that he was giving up on this relationship. He didn’t want to fix it. He thought it was all over. But it was not over yet for me. I didn’t know if it was because it was my first relationship or if I was just an emotionally needy person. I just didn’t want it to end like that.
I didn’t give up. I went to his apartment and sat at the door waiting for him (luckily I got off work early). But he never looked at me. I tried so hard to get back with him. I cried, I yelled, I begged him. I don’t know if he was touched by me. After being separated for a month and a half, we got back together.
Everything was different. It was like we’d become strangers. We didn’t communicate much. His temper was getting worse and he was always blaming me. What’s worse was that I choosed to accept the criticism. I became afraid of him. I started tiptoeing, afraid of making a mistake. However, I still wanted to maintain the relationship. But deep down in my heart, I saw that day was coming.
I gave up
We’d been together for 22 months, and my heart also started to cool down. I realized I could no longer maintain this relationship; it had been killing me. I became timid and began to doubt myself, feeling as stupid as he said and believing I couldn’t do anything well. But fortunately, I still had a certain degree of self-awareness. I knew I was not as useless as he said, so I took a leap to give up on this relationship.
The end
It was completely different from the first breakup. This time, I wasn’t sad anymore. On the contrary, I became much more relaxed. I never thought that breaking up could be a happy thing.
This time, he moved away. And moved far away. It was estimated that he has long wanted to end this relationship. No wonder, he didn’t hesitate at all when I proposed breaking up. Fine, it was an amicable parting in some ways
After the breakup, I continued to rent his apartment for half a year and then moved out. We met once during the past six months. He was still so cold. We had no further contact after that.
It had been a year since we broke up, and I had just started a new relationship. (which I’m still in). One morning, I saw the message he sent the night before (actually at three o’clock in the morning). In fact, he didn’t say anything, he just asked me how I was doing. However, it was quite strange to me. He never contacted me after the breakup. It was me who proposed that meeting half a year after we broke up.
This time, I chose to ignore his message. That was the first time since I’d been with him that I hadn’t responded to his message. I chose not to reply because, first, I already had a new boyfriend. Second, I no longer had feelings for him. I didn’t want to tangle with him anymore.
A few weeks later, he messaged me again. And all his messages were sent in the early hours of the morning. I could feel that his life seemed not very satisfactory. However, I didn’t want to relent and respond to his messages, as it would be unfair to my boyfriend
Later, he sent me a few more messages and asked me to go out for dinner together. But I didn’t reply to him. And, in order to completely cut off the relationship, I directly chose to delete his contact information and block him. I know, this could be a bit heartless. However, I didn’t want him to expect anything from me. I didn’t want him to get his hopes up that maybe we could get back together.
Maybe, you will say, why didn’t you tell him directly that you have a new boyfriend and let him give up. However, I know for sure that once I replied to him, he would keep sending me messages. We would start to establish contact again, which is not what I want. I hoped to break up with him cleanly. I didn’t want to make the same mistake again.
At this point, my ex-boyfriend and I were over. But, I have always had a question. People are really weird sometimes. When we were together, we quarreled every day and disliked each other. As a result, he still took the initiative to come to me after the breakup. I really don’t know what he was thinking at the time. Wasn’t the previous breakup enough to make him understand that we are not suitable? Even if we get back together, won’t it still end in failure?
