Small talk isn’t terrible, actually, we just suck at it
Three tips and why small talks matter, a guide from a reformed small-talk hater.
Small talk.
Just those two words are enough to send some people to a panic. I know — I’m like that as well. I won’t pretend to be cool. I’m not. I hate it, as you probably do too, because you’re here.
But something I realized recently is that small talk is unavoidable. During your commute, at work, yes even those interactions on the internet.
They are all, on some level, types of small talk.
So I made the decision to shift my attitudes towards it. If I can’t avoid it, I might as well not suck at it, right?
That is what’s fueling my fascination with small talk, and conversations in general. And I thought I’d distill my thoughts so far, so maybe I won’t be alone in my journey of becoming a better conversationalist.
Yes, I know. Take deep breaths. Please don’t run. Don’t cry. It’s going to be okay.
Here goes.
Why does small talk matter?
First, let’s establish this foundation: small talk is not banality, it is connection.
Small talk is easy to hate, easy to dismiss. Especially if you don’t know how to do it well. I, for one, have previously thought of small talk as something that is shallow and so boring.
On the other hand, there’s generally this glorification of “deep talk” — that mysterious, soul-connecting communication that feels like the warm hug of a friend.
But the more I come out of my comfort zone, the more I realize the practicality and, yes, even beauty of small talk.
Why is small talk important? Here are my conclusions:
1. It’s unavoidable
It can come at you out of nowhere, like a sucker punch.
I have this friend, who’s really only my friend because we hang out with the same people, and there have been too many instances of suddenly being left alone with him while our other mutual friend leaves the table for the restroom.
That awkward silence as you realize you have nothing to talk about is unbearable, and there are many other situations like it.
These little moments are enhanced with small talk, allowing you to pottentially connect with someone that you might have thought you have nothing in common with.
2. It’s a prerequisite.
“Hey, nice to meet you — what’s your deepest, darkest fear?”
No important, meaningful conversation dives right into the “deep stuff” from the start. Small talk is a prerequisite to “Big Talk”.
Even your closest friends and family engage in small talk before going right into the heavy stuff. And when it happens, the transition is so natural you barely notice it at all. Because you’re comfortable.
And how did you build that comfort? Through a lifetime of small, unimportant talks.
If you can’t engage in small talk, what makes you think you’re going to be invited to the big ones?
Small talk is a prerequisite, they’re tiny threads of connections that we weave together with other people so we can form bigger bonds.
3. We have big dreams.
Castles are built by stacking small bricks.
I want to stand out in my career. I want to eventually build a community, and own a business. I want to travel and experience new places and people.
You have dreams, too.
Yes, it doesn’t have a hard requirement of being able to carry small conversations. No one’s going to look at your resume and go “Can you carry a conversation?”
But think on this: if you can’t even sustain something as seemingly unimportant as small talk, where does that leave you?
Besides, being comfortable with these kinds of transient, introductory conversations is important in several critical settings:
- Networking events. Can’t make connections if you don’t put yourself out there.
- Reaching out to people on platforms. Those first few introductory DMs sure as hell aren’t going to turn you into best friends.
- Big purchases. Salespeople are going to talk you up when buying things.
- Living in new places. Everybody becomes a stranger, and things become easier if you know how to talk to them.
- New workplaces. Whether you’re working online or in offices, you need to get along with new workmates.
And more.
Life-changing situations have happened just by talking to a kind old man on a bus stop. Are you going to miss out on that because of your lack of social skills?
3 Small Shifts for Better Small Talks
Now, I’m not going to go and reinvent yourself to be this shiny, charismatic, life of the party (I’m not going to inflict that on my worst introverted enemy).
I’m not an expert conversationalist myself. But I’m practicing, and these are the three tiny shifts I made to go from zero to one.
These are things I wish I could have said to myself before, which would have saved me a lot of grief.
1. Be alright with the awkwardness.
Small talk is a skill.
Like everything, small talk has to be practiced. So if you’re just beginning, you’re going to suck.
The important thing is to embrace the awkwardness and not let it hinder your learning experience.
Eventually, you’re going to be so used to feeling awkward that you won’t anymore, and then you can try new things out. It’s how our brain works.
Another important point: just because you’re awkward doesn’t mean that you’re wrong. Being new and terrible at something isn’t a mistake, it’s an experience.
That applies to anything, it applies to conversations too.
Last: most people are either oblivious or kind.
It’s far more likely that they don’t notice you’re awkward or struggling.
And when they do, they are more likely to be kind and carry the conversation for you.
When you do interact with a person who is both aware of your struggles and is not kind, run. That’s a bully, their opinion isn’t important, and don’t talk to them again.
2. Be genuine with your connection
Make up for lack of skill with a genuine desire to connect.
Being genuine is already half the battle. Your authenticity will be the trickle that will carve a path through the earth, where greater torrents of water will follow.
Whether you’re talking to a new workmate, reaching out to a potential connection on LinkedIn or X, or meeting someone at a party, stay genuine.
Don’t think of it as shallow.
Don’t hate it.
Don’t think it’s a game.
Have a genuine desire to get to know people, a genuine desire to connect, a genuine desire to make their lives better, even.
3. Be interested, not interesting.
Put the spotlight on them.
The last two pieces of advice are mindset shifts, now it’s time for some practicals.
If you’re like me who hates to talk about himself, then you’re in luck — you don’t really have to. Instead, just keep on asking.
I swear, most people are not like us. Instead, they are far happier to talk about themselves: about who they are, what they do, and what’s going on with their lives.
Oftentimes, you really only have to nudge them, and they’ll go off on their own.
But — here’s something that will immediately change the way you interact: you need to express as well.
Insert your opinions here and there. Agree or disagree with them, and anchor those opinions on personal experience.
Smile, laugh, nod. Depending on your comfort level (and manner of conversation), make small, encouraging reactions that are both noticeable but not memorable.
You don’t have to captivate them with charismatic narratives, you don’t have to put up a front. Just be interested in their lives.
Making Small Talk is Taking a Big Step
Especially for people like us.
Making small talk might seem inconsequential, but for me, it’s a milestone for my social skills. If I can make small talk with strangers, I can do cold outreach, make self-introductions for networking, and grow an audience.,
Talking to strangers, introducing myself, random interactions — I used to be very awkward and shy, so I know how it feels to be intensely uncomfortable in these situations.
But testing my comfort zone is freeing. It feels like I’m shedding the shackles that are preventing me from growing.
I even started to publish content on Medium.
I’m making something cool.
Check out my Buy Me A Coffee page to support!
