The Elusive Match: Why Modern Dating Feels Impossible?
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As real-life dating appears to wane, many are resorting to apps or agencies that offer services such as matchmaking and coaching.
Until recently, finding a romantic partner was a natural aspect of life for most people, typically happening without much effort, whether in a bar or elsewhere, unless you were particularly unconventional or unique. However, lately, it seems we have turned this universal sentiment into a commodity as more and more people are resorting to apps or agencies that offer services such as matchmaking and coaching.
Most of those people have already tried traditional means without success or don’t have time, because seriously searching for a partner can require as much effort as finding a job (if not more). Although this search should not be an urgency, but something that comes naturally into one’s life, it affects people of ALL ages. Even young people long for the old-school days of their parents, a time when face-to-face communication was prevalent, and clubs were used to socialise, have fun beyond drinking and possibly finding that special someone.
But why?
One of the important obstacles in the difficult endeavor of attracting love is the fear of appealing vulnerable. Nobody wants to show their vulnerability for fear of suffering or being rejected, but, without that, authentic relationships cannot occur. In our times, not many want to commit. Relationships are fragile because, among other things, few are willing to strip down emotionally and to put in the dedication and perseverance required by this task.
And the most erotic thing was and always will be interest, your genuine interest about the other person.
If you want someone, you should show it and ask for what you want, even if you fear, even if that results in you getting rejected. That is the first step in seduction, showing interest, but this comes with the risk of the interest not being reciprocated, of feeling hurt or rejected, which is why we avoid it.
Some also believe that spaces intended for encounters or seduction cannot always compete with the digital world. It’s difficult to find the right partner in a club, and the possibility of picking someone up in a restaurant or a bar, when you go with friends, is quite limited. Ok, of course using tinder you have too many options and you can find someone that seems to match with your interests. But is that what you really want? Do you really know a human by what she/he tries to sell in Tinder? And even if this girl / guy has the same interests as yours or a nice face do you think that’s enough to really connect, love and have a relationship. I don’t think so. And the way you do it is also wrong. If something is too easy to get, it loses its value. Sure, flirting is a job that takes time, but that is what you will remember for your whole life, not the upvote you gave.
The mentality of always looking for something better (like searching for a computer with better specs 😛 ) is a product of the internet and the immediacy of the digital age, but it is futile and unproductive.
In the olden days, people looked for a partner at their local bar, or at the club that played the music they liked and they did not try to find the perfect one. They did not think that they were better than everyone else and they just wanted to find someone who met some of their criteria, not the perfect human. And you cannot choose people like you choose your car or your next bag. This has to be complex. But consumerism has taken an effect in this too. We just think that we can sell and buy everything, even love, but we cannot. Also, now the scope is infinitely bigger. You can talk to anyone in the world or chat through Tinder, Badoo, or Grindr, to name a few, and thus, the opposite effect occurs. When we have too many options, we can’t choose any at all for fear of missing out on something better.
And one more pattern many have observed is that we have become more and more individualistic, and common spaces have shrunk. Even though we meet new people everyday, we don’t want to open our circles anymore. Everyone seems to be too busy doing his/her own thing. Some years ago, you went to the office and you would meet many people with similar interests as yours, you would start something new and meet people there too and spaces used to be shared more. Parties were thrown and friends were invited, and they brought companions, and you always ended up meeting someone new frined or something else. I think that in this sense we have withdrawn a lot, thus preventing new connections from taking place. This phenomenon becomes worse with age, as many people stop expanding their social circles entirely after a certain age.
One more factor is laziness. Humans are lazy by nature, and again this causes people to not think long-term and seek instant gratification (dopamine gains). People no longer build social networks and seek potential relationships from normal friendships, or go outside to meet people because it is time-consuming.
Everyone either wants to swipe on dating apps because it is easy to do so, or go for one-night stands because it feels highly rewarding compared to putting in all the work to build and maintain a long-term relationship.
It is because of that laziness that people don’t want to get out of their comfort zone or work on improving themselves, making themselves more unattractive as a result. By many metrics, people today are less attractive than they used to be — more overweight, more unhealthy, more politically extreme, and less wealthy. Younger people also have worse social skills today from sitting inside all day playing with electronics rather than socializing.
Finally, people don’t want to work together with their partners to maintain a relationship or marriage. They’d rather divorce or break up rather than communicate and settle their differences because it is easier to do so. Working hard to be a good partner, compromising, and healthy conversations are no longer valued because people are selfish and lazy.
Due to the aforementioned reasons, why settle down and get married when you can have all the fun sleeping around with the most attractive people? As a result, the average person is having more sexual partners than before, aka the Hookup Culture. Even within relationships, infidelity is increasing.
Many scientific studies have shown that having more sexual partners hinders the human ability to pair bond, and increases the risk of infidelity. In other words, the more partners you’ve had, the more difficult it is to dedicate to one person.
Many people nowadays use the excuse of “finding themselves” in order to sleep around with many people in their youth. More and more people are getting into open relationships, which are shown to be more damaging to mental health compared to traditional monogamy.
In the past, and in more conservative cultures, people often married their first partner at a young age. This frequently led to lifelong marriages, but many times this was wrong, as they often didn’t know their partner well. It’s important to strike a balance between these traditional practices and more modern approaches.
Finally, one of the biggest changes is that men have changed. We can’t find the right, simple way to approach a woman. We can’t read the signals, and we don’t know if we’re going too far or falling short. There is a fear about making the other feel overwhelmed, disturbed or fear of falling into sexist behaviors, because some things that used to be tolerated are not anymore. In some cases, this is good, but in others, it’s too extreme and it’s killing masculinity.
