The First Time I Trusted Myself, I Made $5,000
I have anticipatory anxiety. When I finally gathered the courage to believe in myself, I made over $5,000.
21-year-old me looked at my laptop, carefully gauging the chances of ‘Ginger Cup’ accepting me as their intern. I hardly had any experience as a ‘Marketing Intern,’ and my anxious brain couldn’t think past that.
“Thousands are applying for the same position. Why will they hire you?” a voice inside my head taunted.
Clicking the apply button under Ginger Cup’s ad was especially hard because their acceptance brought money. The Marketing Intern at Ginger Cup was offered $300 for three months- which is a huge amount for an Indian student. Not least, they were willing to provide free accommodation in the heart of Mumbai during the entire internship.
It was a dream offer!
Therefore, I was extra nervous about sending my application. After reading the requirements for the position the third time and understanding nothing because of marketing jargon, I closed my laptop.
“I badly need a break,” thinking so, I jumped onto my roommate’s bed, talked about assignments, and then watched a movie.
Meanwhil, another voice inside my head whispered, “Tomorrow is the deadline.”
A week later, I sat sulking on my bed in our ancient hostel.
“Why so glum, Aabha?” my roommate asked, returning from a day-long selection process. Unlike me, she — a computer science engineering student — had megacorporations lining up outside the college, looking for interns. She was very close to bagging an eagerly desired internship with Microsoft.
“I’m going to fail next semester. I haven’t found any company to intern for. What will I do?” I cried.
“What happened to Ginger Cup? Did you hear back from them?” she quizzed. I winced at the memory of forgetting to apply. I looked at her with guilty eyes and shook my head no, riling her up.
“Here I’m running around this 600-acre campus trying to land an internship, while you’re whining about companies not bringing you offers to your room,” she stated furiously, offending me.
“Of course, I’ve been looking, and applied to quite a few places as well. But I haven’t heard back from them,” I lied smoothly. She calmed down immediately.
“Then keep applying, Aabha. Don’t lose hope,” she said encouragingly.
That was just one instance where I backed down due to anxiety and low confidence. I skipped singing competitions, stopped purchasing ‘nice’ clothes, gave up dancing, and changed my career. The list goes on.
So much talent ignored. So many opportunities wasted. It took me years to overcome anticipatory anxiety. For those new to the term, anticipatory anxiety is the fear of bad things happening to you in the future, like feeling nervous before a meeting.
I can confidently say I spent the first 22 years of my life dreading the future due to anxiety. But when I finally overcame it, I earned $5,000 in a month.
In 2021, as Covid-19 slowly withdrew from the world, I grew desperate for money.
My friends, cousins, cousins’ partners, second cousins, neighbors, neighbors’ cousins, and everyone else seemed to be doing well career-wise. At the same time, I worked from home, earning half of their average monthly salary. It was a depressing period, and I had chosen that road by becoming a writer after getting an engineering degree.
I was in dire need of money, and much more of, confidence. I felt like a failure. I couldn’t sleep at night, I lost interest in doing pretty much everything, and I hated my incompetence.
I shared my worries with my husband, and him being an optimist, prompted me to try. He compelled me to search online for ways to succeed as a writer. He encouraged me to write on online platforms, hunt for magazines accepting articles, join freelancing venues, and more.
For the first time since becoming a writer, I saw immense opportunity, and all I had to do was take a leap of faith and try.
I wrote for an online platform consistently, maintained an active account on Fiverr, and, most importantly, listened to tips from other successful writers. I read every day; I wrote at least 1500 words a day; And when I wasn’t writing or reading, I listened to audiobooks and podcasts. I tried, and after three months, I stared at the results.
I made over $5,000 freelancing in the fourth month.
Within the first year, I had a few clients who loved my articles. I grew a fanbase of 138K on NewsBreak, a US based local news platform, and even published my very first e-book on Amazon.
You would think I was happy. But I wasn’t. Of course, I felt proud, confident (like never before), and a range of other foreign emotions.
Most of all, I felt foolish — to have wasted a major part of my life not trying, hiding behind my anxiety, and throwing away opportunities. I now wonder whether Ginger Cup would have hired me. I ask myself if I would have won the singing competitions I skipped. I ponder whether I would have made a good engineer.
Take advantage of every opportunity, as trying never hurt anyone. Give it your best shot — even if you aren’t confident.
I know there are many like me struggling to find the confidence to trust and try. The purpose of my sharing this here is to motivate them conquer their anxiety, and convince them that on the other side of the fear is a bright future. And most importantly, I want to remind them to always believe in themselves and never undermine their talent.
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