Values in Relationships
We often hear that values are the core or probably, the central pillar of relationships.
But ultimately, what are values? And is it necessary to have the same values as a couple to be happy?
To simplify, we can say that values are the filter through which we lead our lives: it is according to them that we judge what is good or bad, that we want to act, that we feel good or uncomfortable in a situation…
Where do they come from?
There are two types of values: inherited values and chosen values.
Inherited values are the values that come to us from our environment: family of course, but more broadly from the society in which we grow up.
For example: in terms of family inheritance, someone who grew up in a family where academic success was very important will probably inherit the value of work, of effort... On the scale of a society, a person born in 1960 in the USSR and someone born in the same year in the United States will not have received the same message, and this will be reflected in their values.
Among your inherited values, which do you want to put aside? But which ones do you want to keep and bring into your relationship?
The values chosen, on the other hand, are those that we choose consciously, sometimes in opposition to those that we have received. A person who grew up in a broken family may choose to center their adult life on strong family values.
The values chosen are the ingredients of the person we want to be.
How do they express themselves?
Our values are the driving force behind our actions: they are therefore expressed in our actions, but also in our way of expressing ourselves, of choosing the people around us. I am convinced that the key to happiness lies in alignment: acting exactly according to the values we have.
And of course, they are not to be judged: they evolve as we experience, as we meet…
Here are two types of values in relationships:
- The general values that will shape your life
- The values that are specific to the functioning of the couple itself.
Common life values
The values of common life are those which will guide your projects, your common organization... For example, if your main common value is hedonism, you will organize your life to free up time for your leisure activities.
How to define them? Talk, always talk. Go back to your values defined in the previous step, and look at which ones you have in common, and which ones are distinct.
Many are likely common: we generally tend to go towards people who share our values. On the other hand, it is possible to have certain different, even slightly contradictory, values. It’s not a big deal, but be careful: you have to be aware of them and find a way to make them work together. For example, if Marc is driven by the value of independence and Andrew is driven by fusion as a couple, we need to think about a balance that suits both.
Among the most classic we find loyalty (to be clearly defined), sharing of common interests, tenderness…
According to a Statistica survey, the most important value groups in the couple are:
Security
Trust
Complicity
Implications
These bases of common values have an immediate impact on the functioning of the couple and their communication... But not only that!
In my opinion, it is fundamental to have this discussion on values, because it has a strong impact in particular on two points:
Life projects: going on a world tour does not reflect the same values as buying a house together
Children's education and transmission: if you are not aligned with your values, it risks being complicated.
