Where have I been?
Plans for the future and content.
It’s time to get real with you guys…
I haven’t posted anything on Medium for a good few months.
No matter what I wrote down, I found myself repulsed by the results of it.
Everything I wrote or had planned to turn me from pride to a guttural disdain of what I had accomplished.
“Accomplished” being in quotes.
It took a lot of people-pleasing to get to that point.
Was it effective?
Absolutely.
The opportunities I had to grow and expand my brand were trickling in.
A downpour of opportunities and collaborations was presented to me.
A well of promise was bare to me.
But I put my head in and felt like I was drowning in it.
I can confidently say that self-sabotage was the reason why I stopped writing.
This is going to be from the heart.
The biggest reason why Stoicism was integral to my brand was my deep-seated desire for control.
I’ve never been able to identify how or why this is a part of me, but it was a philosophy used as a means to compensate.
I loved reading it, learning about Greek and Roman history, and exploring the varying interpretations of stoicism. Yet something nagged at me.
I felt pride in my discipline and monstrous will to write about my perspectives and cultivate a small community as I went along. Yet something nagged at me.
When I realised that I reached my goal in half the time and people were still engaging with my content… I felt encouraged… but that nagging feeling was biting me.
It wasn’t me.
It was Brother Bhunru.
It was a product of desperation.
It was a product of hubris.
There was no passion, only pride.
I wanted to be perceived as the best writer without challenging myself or my audience.
I felt like I had to write about what the zeitgeist demanded, rather than what made me passionate.
Which is three things: pain, futility and will.
As I have taken a step back from stoicism, I have taken a plunge into existentialism and concluded that labelling myself a stoic was, ironically, a form of ego preservation.
I didn’t allow myself to get hurt because of the character I created for myself.
The character took the brunt of the burdens, whilst I watched from a distance in my mind.
Brother Bhunru became a new vessel for my ego.
I started to loathe it.
So why did I start writing as him in the first place?
Good question.
The time I needed him was when I was homeless.
I was so desperate to find a house that I devoted myself to writing.
So much of my time spent talking away at the laptop for stories I thought I wrote with my blood.
But the real stories I wrote never came out.
The stories I wanted to write were about my experience of loneliness, depression, the futility of perfection, how porn has screwed with our heads…
How martial arts has transformed my life, my faulty logic and my will to power. Movies, anime, poems and so… so many things I couldn’t put to words…
But I couldn’t, because that exposed me.
My feelings and emotions would be laid bare for onlookers, friends and potential employers to see.
Truly taboo and macabre topics that most would shy away from engaging with.
But I played safe; fear suffocated me.
I wrote about safe topics that would catch the algorithm, avoiding any offence or discomfort.
I wrote with conviction yet my words held no conviction.
Hence why when my housing situation improved, my desire to write plummeted.
And I wonder why for so long.
It was successful, I could have kept writing.
Yet, here we are.
And to be honest. I’m happy that I took a step back.
So why am I writing this?
Because I still like writing and improving as a person.
Because I desire my lot in life to improve.
Because Brother Bhunru, like all beings, is in constant motion.
I am hoping to change it to fit this reality.
He is no longer stoic. But he’s not an existentialist.
He is, simply, himself.
Do you want to know the real me?
You’re not going to like it.
Hell, you might even hate it.
But if I can be honest?
I no longer care.
And if you choose to stay?
Well… thank you.
I can’t make many promises with my schedule.
My life’s packed with training, a job, volunteering etc.
But I can promise you this, I will try.
Let me know if there are topics you wish were discussed more on Medium.
Thanks,
Bantu
For email inquiries: email him at brotherbhunru@gmail.com
Here is a link my media platforms.
