Olivia Lintern, Marketer, Mother, Wife: ‘I’m Healing Body Image Issues With Patience’
I traded the value of my intelligence to seek the ideal body
When Olivia Lintern was 14-years-old, a school kid made a comment about her weight that led to a 15-year struggle with an eating disorder. In 2015, mere months before her daughter was born, Olivia faced a breaking point with her battle: could she learn to be kind to herself and combat the negative thoughts in her head about how she looked? In our conversation, she bares her soul to expose life with an eating disorder, the negative thoughts the disease creates, and how she began to heal by practicing patience:
How did your body image issues start? I didn’t care until this girl, who was a year below me at school, was upset one day about her weight. Her friend said, “well, why don’t you go talk to Olivia and see how she copes day-to-day?” That shook me because I was perceived by everyone as the “big girl, who’s coping and going through life dealing with it.” That’s when I began to notice how I looked to other people and started to scrutinize my body.
My mom saw I was unhappy. She was on and off Weight Watchers for years, and she said that if I didn’t get obsessive, I could give it a go. So, I started Weight Watchers, and I lost weight at a healthy rate. Then I lost a considerable amount of weight. I started getting a lot more attention from guys in my year group and above — that’s when I started to put weight into the number on the scale and how I felt other people saw me and valued what I had to offer.
KM: What was your diet?
OL: I was supposed to be eating about 18 points a day, and instead I was eating maybe six points. Vegetables were zero points, so I’d eat a tomato and yellow pepper at lunch and drink black coffee to avoid dairy products.
My periods started to disappear. My hair started to fall out. My iron levels were so low that I’d fall asleep anywhere; I’d constantly sleep in class. My mom, being single with two kids — my brother is autistic — had her hands full, so I don’t think she noticed. She didn’t buy me new clothes, and I was swimming in my school uniform. It wasn’t easy to notice until a teacher pulled her aside and said she was worried about me.
I think my mom was embarrassed. I went to the doctor and she got me talking to a school therapist. They put me on birth control because they thought it would help me gain weight and regulate hormones. My mom started trying to force feed me, making sure I was eating breakfast, and packing lunches that I didn’t eat. I slowly gained weight and I was healthier, but I was paranoid. I was so focused on thoughts like,
“well, if I’m not as skinny as I was, then I won’t get as much attention. I won’t be one of the popular skinny girls at school. I won’t get the same attention from guys.”
It was a total tie of my weight and sense of self-worth. I was a bright kid, but I wasn’t coping as well as I should have been. I was a stellar student in year nine and year 10, but during the first half of year 11 I did really bad. My grades were failing.
KM: How did you go from being an A-student to feeling like you wouldn’t pass?
OL: I traded the value of my intelligence to seek the ideal body. All the accolades and achievements that I had received for years, were not as valuable to me as being a particular size and weight. If I wasn’t of interest to the opposite sex, then what was the value of having glowing grades? For once it was nice to not be bullied for my weight or be perceived as the funny, fat girl who doesn’t have anything to offer. For my parents it was really hard to understand because I had never been that way; I had been a carefree person. I had never stood on a scale from 14. It was a total switch.
“I traded the value of my intelligence to seek the ideal body. All the accolades and achievements that I had received for years, were not as valuable to me as being a particular size and weight.”
I was told once a week that I needed to do something. My mom needed to help me. I didn’t care that my blood tests were diabolical every time. When you’re a teenager, you have your whole life ahead of you, so nothing is going to really hurt you. I felt like I looked good. I totally traded my health for the sake of my clothes that I could fit in.
CONSTANT CRAVING
There’s this bizarre hierarchy in the female social circle: if you look, dress, and act a certain way, and get attention from certain boys, then you’re fantastic. You’re at the top of the teenage girls. If you can’t [get their attention], then you’re ignored, or you’re bullied. I got this taste of not being in the background anymore, and it was addictive.
KM: You said you had a melt down five months into your pregnancy. Was that your defining point for change?
OL: We were away in Mexico for a baby moon. It was week 24 or 25, so I was taking a bump picture. In the middle of the trip, there was this switch, where I thought suddenly, OMG, I’m going to have a baby, which means my body is going to change even more. I’m not going to have time to keep a tab on my body. I stayed in the hotel room, while I broke down and cried for about 10 hours. I cried about how much I hated my body, and wondered what it was going to be like after the baby.
I looked at my husband Justin and thought, OMG, I’m keeping this guy trapped in this room at a time when we should be happy, and we’re talking about something in the grand scheme of things that isn’t a big deal. Yes, my body is going to change, and I’m going to have to own that fact. I didn’t want to put Justin through being the constant reassuring partner, which was what he spent his whole time doing. I thought, do you really want to be doing this in front of a child? Do you really want to be having constant meltdowns like you have?
I would have these short, intense periods of time, where I wouldn’t be able to function, because I was worried about how I looked. Justin was having to constantly talk me off a ledge. So, I wanted to give him a break and not be in the same place when I did become a parent four months later.
COMBATING NEGATIVE THINKING
KM: How did you work through the thoughts in your head?
OL: By having someone prove to me that what I’m thinking is wrong and here’s why: here’s a more positive way of thinking that doesn’t make me feel anxious.
I went to see my midwife to tell her how I had been feeling; that was a breaking point. She enrolled me in the reproductive life stages program at the Women’s College Hospital in Toronto. They work with women who are postpartum. I was connected with a psychiatrist, and we spent weeks talking about my feelings and my anxiety.
I was on medication shortly after my daughter Isobel was born, and then I stopped taking medication on my own, which was stupid because of withdrawal symptoms like nausea and dizziness. I went through a bit of a decline in terms of my anxiety management. Then, my psychiatrist put me back on medication, which I haven’t been on for a while now. I needed to get over the idea that being on medication for anxiety or depression is a negative or bad thing and that I shouldn’t be ashamed of it. As my therapist said, “if you had diabetes you wouldn’t suddenly stop taking insulin.”
“I needed to get over the idea that being on medication for anxiety or depression is a negative or bad thing.”
It’s so funny I have a daughter, because it’s really making me take stock of what I say about myself out loud. I try to look at things from the perspective of a young mind that will learn and take everything in. So, it’s a good wake up call to reflect how I perceive myself physically and mentally. I see a therapist once a week, and he proves the fallacy in my thoughts — it’s helpful.
PRACTICING PATIENCE
KM: Why are you fighting body image issues with patience?
OL: I thought I was going to have miraculous overnight success. I had to say to myself, you’ve got a good 14 to 15 years of major self-perception issues; it’s going to be an absolute life-long change in your relationship with yourself. I’m going to watch Isobel and help her develop a positive relationship with her body. I’m going to find accomplishments elsewhere whether it’s work, a hobby, or new friends. I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself to be better, like there’s some kind of cure and that there should be. There’s no end goal. It’s going to be a moving target to feel like I’m more positive and proud of myself.
There’s no end goal. It’s going to be a moving target to feel like I’m more positive and proud of myself.
