China Really Is Adorable

Historian
I’m Not Allowed To Watch The News
3 min readFeb 27, 2023

“China really is adorable, isn’t it?” — Me, This Morning.

China is in the news today for a couple of things:

Thing the First: The United States is pretty well convinced that the COVID-19 virus escaped from a lab in Wuhan Province and thereupon traveled throughout the world, killing millions of people and turning people against each other over the best way to make it through a pandemic.

Thing the Second: China is providing material aid to Russia to help them in their war in Ukraine.

“Big deal.” — Me, This Morning.

If any of you are fans of the I’m Not Allowed to Watch the News Podcast — https://shows.acast.com/im-not-allowed-to-watch-the-news — you know that I’m not allowed to watch the news.

Because my wife said so.

She finds it perplexing and occasionally infuriating that I talk about the adorableness of a seemingly-hostile global superpower, or say that it’s no big deal that said seemingly-hostile global superpower released a virus that killed millions of people and destabilized nations or that it’s providing assistance to Russia to oppose the assistance WE’RE providing to Ukraine.

“This IS a big deal, buddy boy.” — My Wife, This Morning.

Not really. We shouldn’t make the mistake of thinking that China purposefully released the virus into the world. Although the COVID-19 pandemic achieved a lot of things on China’s Ultimate Wish List: destabilizing governments and turning people against each other, it also had catastrophic consequences for China. Releasing a virus into the world is unpredictable. China prefers to plan ahead.

Is China helping Russia because they love Vladimir Putin so much and believe that Ukraine should be subjugated?

Not likely. They’re doing what they always do — trying to stick it to America. Why? Because we lose our damn minds every time they do.

Before today is over, various American politicians — even the ones who oppose aid to Ukraine — will jump up and down and get all red-faced and mean about all the horrible things China has done, is doing today, and will do tomorrow.

Why? Because having an enemy helps rile everyone up, which they think helps them win elections.

Are they afraid of China? Doubtful. I’m not sure they even give it that much thought.

If China cared about the war in Ukraine, they would send troops. But they’re probably just going to send money and weapons, same as we are to the other side. Why?

Well, why does China do anything?

The Chinese are great observers, and they have spent a lot of time watching. They’ve learned that the American political system is like a daycare center run by toddlers. All they have to do is throw a twinkie into the middle of the room and our leaders will throw tantrums before turning on each other in an undignified Lord of the Flies type thing. Instead of uniting against them, we’ll attack each other.

Which takes the U.S. off the board until we’ve had our nap and a snack.

If Russia loses the war in Ukraine, there’s a good chance Putin’s government will fall. China probably doesn’t want that. Because they love Vladimir Putin so much? Not likely. But he is super great at annoying and distracting the world.

While the toddlers at the daycare sharpen sticks and look for pig’s heads to put on them (read Lord of the Flies — it’s a great book), China has a free hand to do what it’s been doing for decades: colonize in all but name the continent of Africa and make strategic alliances designed to sideline the United States on the world stage.

China never needs to confront us directly. All they have to do is move the right chess pieces to the right places, and we’ll do ourselves all the damage China could wish for and more.

What should our response be to all of these “concerning and dangerous moves by China?”

“Big deal.”

It might just surprise them. Which is long overdue.

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Historian
I’m Not Allowed To Watch The News

Host of the History’s Trainwrecks Podcast — this is the stuff they never taught us in history class.