Birthday Wish List (2019)

My birthday is coming up and I never do this, but I’ve decided to make a list of things I want as birthday gifts since I know people everywhere long to shower me with presents but remain flummoxed on what to get a guy who already has a family like mine. Well, fear not. Here is a list to help you with your shopping. The items are not listed in any particular order and I’ve capped it at 25 for now, but I’ve tried to list things at various price points so there is something there for everyone. You’re welcome. Let me know if you need my size.
1. A full day with my wife where we aren’t allowed to accomplish anything or do anything productive or talk about the stuff that stresses us out. Also, we’d hold hands, like a lot.
2. A national moratorium on all paper receipts. They are useless, annoying and bad for the environment. And annoying. And they come on that weird paper that curls up when you are trying to write and calculate the tip all at once and makes you want to just light it on fire. And no, I don’t want to take the survey. Not ever. And they are annoying.
3. A guest spot on either comedians in cars getting coffee or Complex Sneaker Shopping or a mashup of both shows where Jerry and I go sneaker shopping with Joe LaPuma and all just become best friends.
4. A movie marathon with my boys of all our favorite comedies.
5. Sarcasm font.
6. A long pick up basketball game with my friends and sons where they all keep telling me to shoot more.
7. Zero calorie blue raspberry Slurpee
8. One day where my teenage sons think I’m as cool as they did when they were 5 instead of my current level which, measured on a numerical scale registers as “below scale.”
9. One of those full size basketball rebounding machines.
10. A new Demetri Martin Comedy special
11. Pips donuts.
12. A public and humiliating removal from office for the current US President followed by jail time for him and his closest advisers.
13. An e-scooter.
14. A preseason win for the 49ers over the Cowboys.
15. Sneakers
16. An explanation for why perfume and cologne ads are all like that. I mean, why? WHY?
17. 4 balls on 4 straight pitches puts the batter on second base.
18. A repeal of the Second Amendment to the US Constitution. It is long, long overdue and is the only thing that will allow us to begin to address the current national health crisis. We aren’t going to make real change until we get that step cleared. If you want to just swap it out for the ERA, I’d be fine with that too.
19. A change to the school year in Oregon so school gets out July 1 and goes back October 1 so we get the best weather month of the year on summer break.
20. Free high speed internet on airplanes
21. A week of studio time with a bunch of super talented musicians.
22. A day with the NBA rules committee where they have to listen to my myriad brilliant ideas on how to improve the league.
23. Cinnamon rolls.
24. 2 hours in a forest by a calm, clear mountain lake surrounded by thousands of round, flat, smooth stones about the size of the palm of my hand.
25. Fish and Chips from Newman’s in Eugene with an extra piece of cod.