Click
Today I don’t particularly want to be in the “now.”
If the remote from Click were real, I would spend every cent I had on it (if it were guaranteed to work). I might skip back a few chapters, or maybe rewind to happier days, as recent as Saturday or Sunday even. I’d definitely skip today.
Maybe I’d skip ahead, but only if I was able to go back if I didn’t like what I saw. Maybe I’d just live life on a loop. I used to read a lot about life after death (don’t ask why), and once read a really interesting theory that we are living life on a loop. So when you die, really it’s just your life rebooting. This is comforting, but also quite terrifying. I’m pretty sure we all have experiences we would rather not relive if we could help it.
Isn’t it funny that time only seems to move forward and not backward? We could cheat and say when we relive a memory, that’s kind of like a time machine. But it’s not the same. You’re not there. I’ve heard there are certain mind-altering substances that distort our perception of time. I wonder if that can make it feel like it’s going backward? I don’t really care to find out — just a rhetorical question.
However, living in real-time is also a gift in a way. I feel like if we could magically skip around, we wouldn’t have a chance to grow. I don’t know exactly what I’m supposed to be growing from today…all I know is that I am currently physically and mentally exhausted and it feels like a struggle to even be. This, too, shall pass.
Below, I will try to be brave and share something private. I feel naked doing this in a public space, so I will take a lot of it out, and keep certain things to myself. I’ve only shared this with two people.
This is where I’ve been, but it’s not where I am; however, revisiting this gives me strength and comfort. Tomorrow is a new day.
January 1, 2017
I survived 2016. I should put that on a t-shirt.
Whenever I sleep on a decision, I end up making a better choice. Sleep is bae.
This is what people don’t get about me. I feel like they get frustrated because I am slow to react. I like to think things through and not be reactive. I think this is a self-preservation mechanism kicking in.
I said on my birthday that this year would be a rebirth for me. I have done pretty crappily thus far, but I think it’s true that sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to truly grow. Have I hit rock bottom? I think it’s a sliding scale depending on the person, and where you are. For some people, rock bottom means losing it all.
For me, it looks like not taking care of myself, self-sabotage, [redacted]…[this] was my rock bottom. Now I’m ready to go up.
—
When I was a kid, I remember falling off my bike quite a bit. My parents would help me clean the scrapes, put a band-aid on, and I would go about my business. Sometimes taking the band-aid off would hurt. Sometimes it would peel the scab off, but eventually the wounds would heal.
I know this is probably the most cliché metaphor I could use, but it rings true. This year is all about healing these wounds. Over the past few days I have been very self-reflective. It has hurt a lot. By no means do I think everything is copacetic, but since I have decided to fight then I need to make this [worth fighting for].
I am very hopeful about this new year. Hope is good because I don’t always have it. I will cling to it in 2017. I truly believe that all will be well.
