Today, it hit different…

While pulling up to the gas pump, I found myself humming the background harmony to a song I recorded in the early 2010s with some friends. I decided to listen to it. Today, though, it hit different…

Music has been my outlet since childhood, although I haven’t had much time to devote to it lately. Whenever emotions get too strong for better or worse, speech becomes difficult, and I am often better able to communicate and make sense of things through writing. Often, that takes the form of songs which I later set to music (although more recently, it has been through blogging). From my teens up through my early 30s, on any given weekend, you may find me performing at some coffee shop or recording new songs with other musical friends.

Today, on my 39th birthday, I have been subconsciously nostalgic. Perhaps stumbling upon an old picture (c. 1994) that was randomly in my phone unlocked something.

Or maybe it was the binge-watch of Sister, Sister. Who knows? But that song was like an earworm and I knew I had to listen.

Every now and then, I do get the urge to pop back into the Sarah Sarah crates. Usually, when I listen to my music, I do so for the performance. I walk away feeling happy and proud that I created something I like, neutral, or disappointed if I hear some technical flaw. Today, though, as I was listening to the music, something weird happened after a couple of verses.

I found myself starting to tear up.

I immediately changed the song to something goofy, and the same thing happened. I couldn’t listen all the way through. The only one I could seem to stand was a song called Crush, my first one, about (duh) having a crush. On whom, I cannot remember to save my life. I think I just put some rhyming words together and called it a day. I think when I was 19, I was sick of singing only covers and decided to try this singer-songwriter thing out for real.

Fast forward to today. It took me a while to put my finger on it, but all of the melancholy music I used to write…it was as if that was happening to someone else, and I was sad that person was experiencing it. Even the goofy song was tinged with depression. When I wrote it, I thought it was clever…juxtaposing some real sh*t with a comical delivery. Cool disguise, but the feelings were still there.

I soon realized that despite feeling sad today, this was a good thing; a great thing, actually. What I think it means is a significant milestone: at this point, I’m far enough removed from those thoughts and feelings that I do not identify with them today.

Notice, I said “today.” One thing I have learned in both the stock market and in life is that you can’t take anything for granted. Absolutely nothing is guaranteed, so you have to take profits when you can. Today, I am taking profits by extending gratitude to all I love. My birthday wish is for continued love, growth, health, and success to everyone who reads this, as well as all your loved ones. Thank you.