Behind the Camera
This story was published on October 1st 2019. It was written by Molly (Irish American, 2018–2020 Cohort)
Depression is a funny thing.
It can happen in the most beautiful places, it can happen when you’re surrounded by friends, and it can happen when you’re otherwise in the best place in your life. Depression tells you that feeling bad when you have so many things to be happy about and thankful for makes you a bad person. Depression takes the good days you have and makes them feel cheap, because shouldn’t you be feeling like that every day? What do you have to be depressed about? Why can’t you just enjoy the beautiful things in your life? Aren’t you grateful?
Sometimes my Instagram feels like a lie. I spent a lot of my time in my last semester of school in Malta utterly miserable and suffering from depression, but you wouldn’t know that from my pictures. That’s also how depression works; you can’t always see it when it’s there. Some days I would receive messages from friends in other countries saying things like “I’m so jealous of your life!” and “I can’t believe how amazing your life is, you’re so lucky!” while I was at my lowest point in years, struggling to cope with each day, and definitely not feeling lucky or enviable. But on the other hand, maybe my Instagram feed wasn’t a lie after all. Those pictures were real moments of happiness. They may have been bookended by anger or sadness, but why should I let my depression take those away too? What my friends could see on my social media wasn’t fake, but it wasn’t the whole truth either. One of the most serious critiques of social media is that it portrays fabricated lives that make other people feel inadequate. While I think we should never be comparing ourselves to other people, it’s so difficult not to. Did anyone look at my photos in the midst of my depression and feel bad about their own life? I sincerely hope not, and I always try to avoid that trap myself. Instead of avoiding these platforms altogether, I’m trying to use mine to be more honest about what’s happening behind the camera.
Mental health should not be a taboo subject. Depression is not a bad word, something to be whispered about in doctor’s offices. The more we all speak out about our experiences, the more we can lessen the stigma around mental health and help each other heal.
I took the above photo recently on a run to the beach near my house in Tallinn, the first time I’ve felt well enough to go running in six months. After four months of medication and intermittent counseling, I’m starting to feel like myself again most of the time. My depression isn’t gone, but I’m learning how to deal with the symptoms and the causes slowly. It isn’t easy. It sucks. Depression doesn’t have a type, it can happen to anyone. But to anyone who is suffering, please know that it can also get better. We are not alone.
