To Be A Perfect Person?
This story was published on May 9th 2019. It was written by Jue (China, 2018–2020 Cohort)
Recently I read a post on DouBan (a Chinese platform used by people who care about freedom / social change / justice / equality) written by a girl who comes from an indigenous group but now lives in a big city in China.
Here’s what she wrote:
“My mum never applies any make up, and she never shaves, but with her shiny black curly hair, she looks great; my grandma always takes off her tops, sits outside, and smokes during the summer time, and it’s the most beautiful moment when she sinks in the chair, in the smoke with the most peaceful face; my aunt burps as loudly as the cow moos, but this never decreases any beauty of her.
But all these aspects are considered as barbaric in this big city. Everyone tries their best to look exquisite with meticulous make up, fabulous clothes, shiny shoes, and a brand-name bag. This life makes me exhausted, but I can’t change it here in this modern city. I need to look great in this city.”
What is the true beauty of one person? Why do we always want to be perfect according to the context we live in or just why do we care that much of others’ perceptions of us ?
I shared the very same thought with her one year ago. When I worked in one of the biggest cities in China, I dressed myself up everyday, and I wanted to be perfect for each single day. And I worked very hard. I was one of the yearly best teacher in my learning center (and it’s a nation-wide company). For half of the year, I worked more than 15 hours a day; for the other half, I still worked longer than others. That’s also the reason that I got popular among both coworkers and students. I was always there whenever they needed me.
AND I got sick. Physically and mentally. So I ran away.
Of course, this is a tough decision, since a married woman studying abroad on her own is not common in China, especially at my age. I’m supposed to be a mum of at least one child and take care of the family at this stage of my life.
But it’s my life, anyway.
When I started my degree here, as a student, white-Ts and jeans are my daily look. And they make me more comfortable, and for 8 months, I haven’t worn high heels, which is the best thing! And I don’t care about the grade I get as long as I myself know that I have learned something important for me. I don’t care about how much ice-cream I have in a single day as long as I don’t fall sick because of it. I can sleep till the afternoon and who cares?
When I started to live a life more according to what I want. Life goes easier.
However, am I feeling the truly freedom?
No.
Physical appearance and life style only make one part of me. I’m still worried about what I said, not only on the side of language ,but also on the side of ideas.
I make a lot of grammar mistakes and I always confront with the moment of having a hard time to find the right words or phrases for what I want to express.
I am so worried about those awkward moments that I even seldom spoke in the class even when there was something I wanted to share. BUT I just didn’t talk.
Situations get better after I become familiar with all the lovely classmates and I know they don’t mind whether I speak good English or not. The exchange of opinions matters more.
Then another question came. Since I’m the only Chinese in the classroom, I feel very stressed about my opinions on a lot of topics, cause I’m afraid of that people will take those as how a Chinese may hold or people will have the wrong perception of Chinese people just because of me.
But how can I represent 1.3 billion people? It’s impossible. I’m even not typical in my hometown cause I live almost half of my life outside it, and I’ve changed a lot. Even some people may hold that I live in that kind of culture so I should be familiar with that. Actually I seldom listen to Chinese music and only in recent years I started to watch Chinese movies, and I still don’t watch Chinese series today . All I listen, I watch, and I read are mostly from western culture. So I guess I am so influenced by the western culture that I’m actually not that familiar with my own culture. (This is actually a problem I noticed, but it’s another topic ) And since western culture are also very popular, it has been integrated into Chinese culture very much, especially in the new century. So people in China are actually influenced by western culture a lot.
Then I told myself I’m just a person, a human being, and forget about the Chinese identity. Just be me.
But there are still questions. Whenever I said something, I asked myself does it sound proper? Does it sound rude? Does it sound naive? Does it sound superficial ? Does it sound boring? Does it sound stupid?
What if they interpret it differently from what I meant? What if they don’t like what I said?
AND because I’m so worried about all of these that I get stuck whenever being asked a question, especially when being put on the spot.
My brain just shuts down at that moment. And this makes me look stupid even more.
BUT
SO WHAT?
Then I ask myself why I care about others’ perception of me that much?
IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE PERFECT. NO ONE IS PERFECT. AND NO ONE CAN.
CAN’T WE JUST BE IMPERFECT? CAN’T WE JUST ADMIT THAT WE’RE IMPERFECT?
OR
JUST BE WHO WE ARE !
Forget about age, gender, sexual preference, nationality, and anything that CONDITIONS ourselves of being SOMEONE WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE.
