Tying a knot
Growing up, I was never told that getting a man is the ultimate life achievement of a girl, I was encouraged to pursue my interests, my partner and his parents respect my decisions and my career. Having cleared that, I am well aware & grateful that I am in a very sparsely populated community of privileged girls around the world.
Choosing a partner is a private affair. Disclosing a partner to the friends and family is fun and exciting! I struggle with understanding what the elders and the wise around me describe as ‘rites of passage’ — the rituals of getting engaged, the pre wedding, wedding, and post wedding ceremonies, and the obligatory gifts given to people.
One stream of reasoning suggested that we call in the elders and the god and the state to witness the union of two lives to ensure commitment and blessings. It is quiet an abstract concept to understand for me but the most popular one amongst the previous generation of advisors. I feel if we need the presence of a hundred others to ensure that the other one doesn’t leave, there are more important issues about relationship for us to handle. Then there is a second and more hedonist approach to all the events which asks me just to enjoy the parties and have a good time. Majority of the people seem to look at a wedding as a huge party, a form of entertainment, dance parties, good food, and gifts; conversations about satisfaction, happiness, and merriment float over huge banquets, innovative gifts and events in both the sides of families. If you look around closely, you can catch some in the girl’s side of family wiping off some unexpected moisture from their eyes, forcing a smile to hide a heavy heart.
I think I find it difficult to have a good time when the priest tells me and all the rituals constantly signify that 1. I should serve/take care (there are many euphemisms to this but the sentiment is unmistakable) my husband; 2. I should to be sent from one home by one man (the father) to another man (the husband) as a symbol of prosperity and riches (Goddess Laxmi) and in return the father asks the groom to take care of his daughter. 3. As a bride, I hear a resounding final goodbye in songs, ceremonies, and conversations leading up to the wedding. When 10 people talk to you about this end of life whenever they talk about the wedding, you can not choose to ignore the sense of impending and ultimate separation.
I think this transaction is neither fair nor true in todays world. Now-a-days, the girls are well educated and financially independent. The father as well as the groom knows this. Girls and boys both have left their home in pursuit of education and livelihood and have learnt to take care of themselves long before marriage. So the daughters cannot relate to the need of this transaction of riches, servitude, and care in return for protection and financial stability. If the rituals are supposed to be symbols & teachings for the life ahead, the ceremonies that carry the aforementioned emotions with them seem like a totally dethatched and meaningless performance for entertainment.
History provides some insight in the trauma of a daughters marriage. About 150 years ago, daughters were married off at a very young age of 12 to 14 years. So a daughter’s family used to get to enjoy her presence for only so much time. All her formative years would be spent in the shadow of a stranger. The knowledge that the well being & upbringing of your innocent naïve child is going to be in the hands of a stranger must have wrought havoc in any parent’s heart and mind. My guess is that this 150 year old trauma is still carried by a daughter’s family even today. I think its time we stop burdening our tiny hearts with this sadness of parents who lived 150 years ago. We can stop spending luminous moments under an artificially recreated dark cloud of doom that was felt by that tiny girl who lived 150 years ago.
Joseph Campbell in his book ‘Hero with a thousand faces’ observes that ‘rites of passage’ all over the world in all religions and sects are traumatic and highlight a gut-wrenching separation in order to make the humanity move forward and not remain stuck in a phase of life. In todays world, we go against this by aiming to ‘stay young forever’ instead of aiming to ‘grow old and wise’. While this insight is thought-provoking, I do feel the distress induced by the rituals of yester year is misplaced and hence, artificial. It is absolutely true that we do experience intense distress and grief when we leave our parents home; but today it is not for marriage, instead it is for education, job, and other life experiences. My decision to leave was not because someone kicked me out of the house but because I felt a pull of adventure and exploration. Although I was anxious about leaving the comfort of home, I was equally excited for my new beginning because no one grieved about my leaving — it was celebrated and welcomed. In a new country, I could let the big new changing world mature me and mold me because I did not feel like I had just severed a limb while leaving the house. Why cant rituals surrounding marriage induce this excitement for the bride? She should not have to feel like she has just ripped off a part of her heart and identity.
Today, I feel I have endured the pain and trauma intended by Joseph Campbell’s rituals and I stand ready to enter the next phase in life. Through my marriage, I am not being sent from one home to another. I have my own home, thoughts, and people. I feel complete enough to welcome an entire new person in my space. If he allows, I wish to explore his. I look forward to enjoy a healthy companionship for the rest of my life. After spending first 27 years of life with myself, I now know that a journey of one reveals what we search for within us and it is an adventurous ride. I look forward to a journey of two which reveals what the other sees in you and it will be an educational ride. I hope this education will give depth to our thoughts. Thus, the journey of two still takes me towards stability and growth like 150 years ago. But now, it is mutually beneficial. The trauma required to grow has been endured alone. Hence, when I begin this phase in my life, there is no more space for sadness, there is no time for grief. There is only celebration to welcome a new set of connections for each of us. Why cant the symbolic rituals reflect this positivity and excitement? Why cant they shower soft praises upon each of us for our endurance and struggle towards independence? Why cant they provide words of wisdom for the journey ahead without defining our roles based on our sex? Why cant they be hopeful and full of promise for both of us and our families?
