A Peek in my Journal: 01
The journey of becoming a great writer is fraught with most of life’s usual struggles. One of those that I have often faced in particular is in the financial realm.
I chose a career in massage therapy that ultimately has brought me to a place of financial hardship because my body is overworked, my joints ache, my mind under-stimulated, and I didn’t learn to discipline my finances soon enough to get to a proper place where I could easily transition into a new career.
Many therapists get caught in the career like this. The money is too good to leave, and they can’t afford their same lifestyle if they venture into something else.
Some therapists find ways to lengthen their career early on, but most get burnt out which is why “self-care” for massage therapists is prevalent in every LMT magazine, and why there are actual workshops for LMTs to learn how to care for themselves.
Of course, that means that some of the responsibility to make sure that I am able-bodied is my own, but it’s a coin-toss when it comes to genetics and my family is prone to arthritis and fibromyalgia. I have a high pain tolerance so I’ve often ignored aches and pains over the years. Those aches of recently have started flaring up even more as I now work in a casino environment doing chair massage. I’m also approaching my thirties. My body mechanics have altered somewhat, and it’s difficult to maintain proper body mechanics in a casino environment when some of the chairs are not adjustable, the players move frequently, and there is very little space to work with.
Moving to Florida, I had no idea that I would not only be taking a pay cut, but my expenses would also be astronomically higher (I also didn’t realize how much worse allergy season would be). I was so naive to realize the difference. When I did make the move, I tried desperately to start my own business on the little money I had with too slow of success to afford to keep it going. I tried to do other jobs like waitressing, working for a vacation rental cleaning service, pet-sitting, and caught on very quickly that the time invested in all these jobs to make up for the lack of income always left me with very little motivation. My military reserves career got in the way of me making money and had very little consistency in leadership. The downsides seemed to outweigh the benefits, in my case. My rate wasn’t the one I originally signed up for. All the promise my recruiter made it seem like felt like a prank. It didn’t feel worth it. None of it did. I found the casino work to be fewer hours, much higher pay, and I could go home and not have to worry about backend work.
Eventually, I found work at the largest casino in Florida, and finally felt at ease — for a little while even though I still was behind on bills, I knew I could catch up. Unfortunately, I got too comfortable, and overestimated my spending power. I’m not saying that a big part of that wasn’t my own choices — there were several choices I could have made differently and I would be at least a step ahead than where I’m at right now. I also didn’t account for how quickly my body would begin to scream at me. A part of it I believe is emotional. My body tends to do unfavorable things during times of stress —and I never really loved being a Massage Therapist. I chose it initially because I knew I liked helping others, the more flexible schedule, and decent pay. I was also good at it. There was always a voice in the back of my head telling me that I wouldn’t do it forever — -so I could just tolerate it for a while.
I’ve never once given myself the permission to create income from writing. I, like many, have an unhealed relationship surrounding money — -and it’s been a constant stressor or excuse why I don’t write, why I tell myself I need to do other things so I can make the money to have time to write, and why I’ve often self-sabotaged.
Even when I was monetarily comfortable, which was the last half of my first serious relationship, even though my partner constantly stressed about money — he was very frugal and rarely took risks with his money. He was smart to be like he was, but I also pushed him to take some risks that ended up working in his favor. Risks that ultimately, bear no return for me. Just lessons. That’s not to say he didn’t help me when we were involved. He was and is still a good man. I hope he learned to overcome his fears. My own fears have come to light.
My mother got our family into terrible debt when I was young, it was a constant reminder as I ventured off into the world on my own, and I tried so hard not to follow her patterns. For her it’s more about material comforts, my spending habits are more in the experiential realm; food, travel, and passions. It probably stems from watching other children get to vacation growing up, while I got stuck at home, my parents unwilling to prioritize those things due to my mother’s habits. Being pulled out of dance class, and other exciting activities, unable to explore what brought me joy because my mother spent a little too much on floor tile. I know there are much worse situations, still, these are what shaped me.
At the same time, my mother was also eventually the breadwinner of the family, making the most income with her college degree which she’s continuously reminded me that I need to get. My father, the exact opposite, a medically discharged marine, chose to do what he could to help care for the kids while my mom finished her degree. He’s worked the night shift at a factory for years. His body is falling apart. My parents, now divorced, seem like an unlikely pair. My Mother is remarried to someone more educated, also military, and higher income. My father is working an easier job at the factory until he can finally retire and get his pension. My mother is still paying on her student loans, a home mortgage, buys stuff on QVC, and still swears by her degree. My father helps provide for one of my siblings. Both of my parents have helped my older siblings financially as they’ve needed it, my sister even adding an oopsie child in the mix. I love my sister and her oopsie child. But, I’m sure it doesn’t feel fair to her sometimes that I got to leave home. I try not to share my hardships with her because it wouldn’t matter. I’ve always tried to be more independent in whatever way I could so that my parents didn’t have to help me too —
My mom especially is the kind of parent that expects me to be independent. My Father would probably help me out from time to time if he could.
This always made it weird for me when dating. I often had strange feelings about dating men with more education or much higher income. I always felt unworthy or threatened. Probably a fear of abandonment considering my mother left my father — and maybe that had nothing to do with it. But could it be a part of it? Women are often told that men don’t care about how much money we make, but I really don’t think that’s true anymore. They might not care directly, but when it comes down to it, women that make more money can spend more time on their appearance, self-care, and offer less stress to a man who may need or want someone to hold their own weight. I think it’s important for women to be able to hold their own weight to some degree because it helps them to feel more secure and confident which can make a big impact on how they interact in a serious commitment.
Anyways that’s a whole can of slimy worms that I’m not going to get into too much. The point is I know that no matter what, I need to make myself financially independent first before I can allow myself to become a great writer, that, or I will become one along the way. I don’t know how to make an income from writing alone. Hell, I don’t even know if I have what it takes. A great writer means being disciplined enough to produce your best work through all the fear and obstacles. It’s not really about making money — though wouldn’t that be a pleasant outcome? Still, I have to be making enough money while also affording to have the time and motivation to write. It’s a complex problem to have in a highly competitive and saturated world.
Being a great writer isn’t just about producing work that emotionally captivates an audience. It’s about knowing and understanding business, being able to juggle life, and staying open-minded. It’s about being adaptable, self-disciplined, emotionally intelligent, and perceptive. It’s about patience and self-compassion. Delaying gratification. Faith. Being a writer is kind of spiritual.
Recently, I’ve tried to cut back on my hours of doing massage and replenish it with other side work. I found it fun to work a few days at a Kava tea bar. But the pay isn’t quite enough to manage the bills and debt I have. Going back to school now would be a long and expensive road. I don’t know if it would be worth it. Starting a business sounds exciting — only, it takes money that I don’t have. I don’t want to borrow more. I’ve got myself into quite the pickle. I’m grateful that I have a place to live, work, and some time to figure it all out. I just despise visiting my parents and not being able to show them much progress. Then again, I have much larger concerns.
I see other therapists around me dealing with varying circumstances, some of them involving children, and I’m amazed how strong some of these ladies are. I find strength through their optimism. I find inspiration through seeing other writers overcome their own obstacles and channeling it into their writing. I might feel weak at times, so I let go of what I can’t control and look to what I can. Becoming a great writer is finding enlightenment through life’s ups and downs, and being able to share that in a unique way.
