I Listen to My Roommates For Some Reason

Dear Never Wrong,
I’m currently in a precarious balance of a living situation with two rather nosy roommates. They always have to know where I’m going and when I’ll be back for reasons unbeknownst to yours truly. My most recent episode with this problem involved receiving several phone calls (of which I never answered) which then led to my phone being reported as missing and my roommates tracking me down at a bar via my GPS coordinates.
Aside from being crazy stalkers, they have also taken the liberty to strongly encourage me to do as they would in all manners of life decisions. They have incessantly pushed for me to marry someone and to have children as soon as possible. Furthermore they recommended that I turn down several promising job offers to stay in town so they could better track my whereabouts.
Help.
Having parents for roommates is quite a dilemma.
Thanks,
 Suffocated Roommate

Thank you SR for sharing your happy story. I’m glad to see some good news in my inbox for once You didn’t ask a question, but luckily I still have answers!!

As responsible adults, it’s our duty to listen to other adults no matter what. Especially but not limited to our parents. Terrible offspring say truths such as “I’m stressed out by this topic. It’s off limits.” Ugh, parents that force you to say the truth are the worst. Then you’d have to witness your parent’s annoying tantrums. It’s best that you suffer so that they don’t have to.

You make your parent act like a spoiled child. They aren’t getting what they want and that’s uncomfortable. Don’t you owe them what they want? Attention! Let’s make a fun game out of giving them lots and lots of attention. As a child, did you ever sing the America song John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt?

If you’re not familiar, it’s a great catchy repeating verse. The story goes that you go out with your friend with the same name, people shout your ridiculous name at you.

When the roomies talk about how they’re tracking you, you just start whispering the song. Get louder. Sing faster. Sing it sadder. Sing it happier. Try doing it as your favorite movie character. Play their attention game. Annoying you makes them feel important? Fine, be more annoying! You’re important too. Being annoying is achievable! What one man can do, any other man can do. You’ve learned from the best, your own parents. Will they give up first or will you?

As Barney the Dinosaur explains in this clip, it’s a song that let’s you pretend you’re the same person. Which is what you’re doing. Awesome!

These perfect lyrics fix help everyone. Finally give up ownership of your life to your parents. I keep track of it and write detailed letters to strangers about every behavior that annoys me too. They want you to pay attention to their asinine behaviors and you are. Every one is happy.

When you get tired of JJJS, try out “The Song That Never Ends”. First watch these socks demonstrate putting the late Shari Lewis in her place for 10 hours:

The socks aren’t upset that Shari Lewis hates their singing. The more unhappy she gets — rather than just joining in the song like a fun person — the more they sing. The game would have been over if Shari Lewis would have sung along 9.5 hours ago.

Who’s responsible for Shari Lewis’ annoying behavior? Socks? No way. If your parents wants to waste their breath, that’s a personal issue in their lives. Get a life Shari and let these guys sing.

Ugh, I dated someone with a parent like this. This crazy mom got my number and would hound me for information on her son. I’d just ignore her and tell him how she was being crazy. He’d tell me that sounded like my problem.

Like solving a slow murder mystery thrills style noir film, the details emerged. It was really the guy who wouldn’t Jingleheimer Schmidt his mom. Don’t be that guy. Every time crazy new boy’s mom wrote me or said something I’d sing or write to her a verse of “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall” subtracting a bottle every time. When I got to 0, I broke up with both of them

How about responding with the Pokerap. Unless you know all the names of all the Pokémon, you have better things to do than track your parents tracking you.

As long as there are songs, you can live with your parents forever.