Selfish roommate won’t write letters for best advice columnist ever

by The Worst Advice Columnist

Today’s letter is taken by dictation:

I’m standing in the kitchen eating sushi with my hands (like a heathen) and drinking kambucha which was originally described as fermented mold tea, it surpassed my (admittedly low) expectations. My roommate is trying to make me write for advice from her column and I really don’t want to tell her that I think her advice is useless. What should I do?
-Need Advice to Avoid Advice

In my completely unbiased opinion, you should just placate your roommate and write letters for her. Perhaps more importantly, you should blindly follow all advice she gives, because something tells me that she is intelligent and worldly and will not lead you astray. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen?

I don’t really have any questions to ask and I don’t really want to hear your advice. What about that time that a package was delivered to our place and you were too lazy to take it to the recipient, so you put it in front of your roommate’s door and she opened it?
-Still Avoiding Advice

Let me explain why this was the best way to handle the situation. The package was delivered erroneously to our apartment because the last name of the addressee matched our roommate’s last name. If she did not live here, this package would almost certainly have not been delivered here, which means that I should not have to go all the way to the eighth floor in an exceedingly slow and rickety elevator. This is yet another instance where I’m not wrong.