IMOGENE’S NOTEBOOK
Tiny Tender Terrible
A poem about post-natal depression
I peer into the blank universe
in an empty canvas.
Now, what shall I sketch?
These wilting roses on my desk?
Sweet and sad, like me.
Or maybe an eagle soaring in the sky.
Untethered, unlike me.
The ringing doorbell snags me back,
into this windowless room.
I get the door—more bills to settle.
I wipe Imli’s little nose and clear her toys
on my way back to the den.
All set to make my first stroke,
I feel the paintbrush slip out of my grasp
making a splatter
on freshly laundered sheets.
Curses fly out of my dry mouth faster
than target-locked missiles.
Who am I kidding? What good
will painting do me?
The spectre of dirty dishes
piled in the sink clouds my vision.
Still, more laundry to do.
It’s almost noon,
Imli will need feeding soon.
Who has the time?
A thing swells up
like a balloon in my chest.
Perhaps a yawn or maybe a scream?
A little birdie unfolds its wings
but cannot unfurl;
there isn’t enough space for it.
Never has been.
The birdie makes a racket
but cannot settle. Nope, no way out.
There was only a narrow way in.
The birdie balls up
in my throat
and picks at me instead.
And I remember my mother.
I try to remember her slender hands
before they wrinkled.
I look at my hands, beginning to
resemble hers. I understand
why Maa¹ put me down sometimes
to walk herself to the river.
I pull out a page and a fountain pen;
I must tell Maa, I see it —
I see the birdie too! Could you set it free?
I wait for the words to form,
but they don’t.
The birdie is silent. It doesn’t move.
Like an enormous Python,
time is winding round and round,
forming coils around it.
¹Mother is addressed as ‘Maa’ in many South-East Asian communities.
As per NHS, 1 in every 10 women is affected by post-natal depression within the first year of giving birth. Post-natal depression is different from baby blues. When women feel anxious, tearful and not up to it in the first week of giving birth, it is referred to as baby blues and this experience does not last beyond the first two weeks.
If baby blues start after or persist beyond two weeks of giving birth, it may indicate post-natal depression.
© 21st February 2024. All Rights Reserved. Anushree Bose
