these grey days (B-side)

to accompany my these grey days piece, plus liner notes

TL;DR I just want the playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/grungerabbit/playlist/2fgRMAIggzz9aZWeBcAKO5

i’ve been short of logic, so
i’m passed out on the patio, this cold and stony floor
and i’ve been here before. 12 times,
i’m slime and i’ve got one thing on my mind
you’re on my mind

Music has always been a major part of my life. I spent 10 years worth of Saturdays going to Chinese choir with my dad. We are both Rooster signs, both showy, both stubborn, both loud; you can always hear my dad’s voice amongst the many blended of the choir. You can always hear my voice when I’m singing in the shower, or absentmindedly at work, or jamming and walking down the street.

The Chinese Zodiac says that two Roosters under the same roof makes everyone else miserable. My mother and my brother do not sing; they were musically tone deaf. My father and I, we are socially tone deaf.

So, Saturdays. Practicing ballads in English like You Raise Me Up as well as Chinese standards. Vaguely religious work over the holidays like Ezekiel Saw the Wheel and Dona Nobis Pacem. Dressing up to sing in churches and nursing homes and concert halls like Avery Fisher. One time, for the Pope in his summer home. Benedict. (We were singing as part of a multicultural orchestra trip to Rome and Venice, so this doesn’t really count.) Another time, with an actual choir, I sang in Melk Abbey in Vienna.

Why did this seem mundane?

well she will sit and talk to me
but that’s not quite enough for me
i’ll send a nasty text
to show i’m not impressed

I spent probably another 5 years worth of weekends going to various orchestras, playing different instruments as suited my whim. My parents let me try any instrument I wanted.

Flute, violin (shitshow, strings are bad news for me and my small hands), piano (shitshow), saxophone, piccolo (shitshow, but only because piccolos are shitshows), dizi, trumpet (shitshow), guzheng (shitshow), sheng (shitshow), hand-cranked timpani (vaguely a shitshow, but who pays attention to the timpani), guitar (shitshow), ruan.

In the moment, I did not enjoy this musical experience. I saw it as an imposition. I saw it as taking it away from my friends at school, who spent weekends playing soccer and watching TV. Let’s be real, my white friends.

she won’t comply with the one thing on my mind,
you’re on my mind.

As a child, everything always seems to last too long. You’re always impatient to do what you want — go home or play on the Gameboy or eat mashed potatoes like everyone else instead of the spicy stinky food they’re serving you. Eat using forks and spoons instead of chopsticks.

You do not yet know that things do not last forever, that you will never see things the same way as you do right now, that you will never be as carefree. You do not yet know the answer to “how could someone’s mommy die?”

My parents listened to 106.7 Lite FM on the radio whenever we drove. When I became a preteen, I started to pride myself on my music taste. I distanced myself from light standards from the 1980s — 2000s. I started with Gorillaz and Coldplay. I saw that Demon Days and X&Y were reviewed well in the TIME Magazine my parents had me read for current events.

// it’s days like these that will put me on my knees // it’s days like these that will put me on my knees // it’s days like these that will put me on my knees // it’s days like these that will put me on my knees // it’s days like these that will put me on my knees // it’s days like these that will put me on my knees //

By 2007, I was obsessed with Nirvana (the band) and Dior Homme (the fashion label). I latched onto these brands to comprise my identity. Back then, I was not comfortable with the person I truly was or could be. Hedi Slimane and Kurt Cobain guided my taste.

Hedi Slimane’s work is impeccable, with a fantastic aesthetic and matching attention to detail. To accompany his runway fashion collections at Dior, he commissioned custom soundtracks by up-and-coming young bands (+Beck). These Grey Days by Eight Legs is by far the best.

something in my brain
and that explains the way that i behave
need not feel ashamed
these grey days

I stole shamelessly from Dior and Nirvana then, I steal shamelessly from them now.

I was a bored teen in suburban New Jersey in 2008. I compiled a video of all of Dior Homme’s print collections. One of the models looked like a boy I had a crush on, his codename was “llama.” (My friends’ codenames for their crushes, for the record, were like… “wolf” and “bear” and “fox.” This idiot chose a domestic camelid, widely used for mmmmm, meat.)

wish we hadn’t changed.
wish we hadn’t kissed good bye to those old days
wished we stayed the same
these grey days

I sat in my house, at my computer, next to what would become the devil phone two years later. I took manual screenshots of the Dior Homme site built in Flash, bootlegged the soundtracks with Windows Sound Recorder, compiled the video with Windows Movie Maker. I chose Avant Garde Gothic as the font and what I hoped were classy transitions between looks and seasons.

Soon thereafter, Hedi Slimane stepped down from Dior Homme. They took down the Flash site. My fan video was the only thing left.

I am proud of its 186k views. Much better ROI than most things I did at 14. (AIM, Myspace, Neopets, AdventureQuest, Runescape, Kingdom of Loathing. Creep on boys with friends on our razor scooters. Pretend to be badass by hanging out at Panera and Claire’s. Pay marginal attention to school.)

I can read, I can write
I can breed, proven plight
Nurse my greed, crease infold
Is it me, or my ego?

Nirvana was the other big part of it. I spent from 2007–2008 playing only Nirvana. I got into the albums before and after Nevermind. I got into the B-sides. I got into the weird demos. I got into the bootlegs. I got into the concert recordings made in an era before ubiquitous computing.

grungerabbit

[[Rabbit]] scrobbling since 17 Feb 2007

SCROBBLES

32,537

ARTISTS

1

Write some words, make them rhyme
Thesis or story line
Set the mood, something new
Is it me, or my attitude?

Nowadays I listen more omnivorously.

If you want to get into my headspace as I was writing these grey days, I’d listen to the first two tracks: Birch Tree by Foals and If You Must by Nirvana. The rest of the list is unsorted.

She said
If you want to put off an image
And you miss, the extremes
The extremes, act it out
Practicing
Perfecting
Pressuring
Onto me

This playlist includes the music I referenced in the piece, music that I played in various orchestras and enjoyed, music from long car rides to and fro, music I enjoy on a day-to-day basis now, music that helped me grow up in lieu of actual relationships, music that was recommended by close friends and lovers, music that represents specific people and events in my life, music that I play to ignore the world around me, music that I play to enhance it. Music that represents the full spectrum of grief.

I know more about my personality now, about who I really am.

Prescriptively, as well. I am a Water Rooster. I am a Leo-Virgo Cusp. I am Strategic, Learner, Achiever, Ideation, Relator — which I hate, because Ideation is not a personal noun. My enneagram is 5. My Big 5 is strongly open to experience, moderately conscientious, strongly extraverted, not very agreeable (heh), neither neurotic nor calm.

I will wade, in the fire
To explain, your asylum
Idle times, analyzing
We’ll compare, all our sightings, come on

My favorite might be the Myers-Briggs. I am a female INTJ, assertive. The Wikipedia page informs me that our Achilles Heel, our

“…most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense.”

I’ve learned people rarely do.

I speak, to hear, my voice

If you enjoyed this, please read the original these grey days! Let me know how it goes. I’d appreciate recommending and sharing if you liked it.

1. Please consider donating to my American Foundation for Suicide Prevention fundraising page. We have raised $550 so far! Donations are accepted until the end of 2015 and are fully tax-deductible.
2. If you are looking for suicide (survivor) support, The Samaritans (in NYC, but around the world) are literal lifesavers.
3. If you are looking for social support and badass friends after losing someone too early, I am a host for The Dinner Party — let me know and we can connect you with a table, or you can start one yourself, anywhere.
4. If you want to support pediatric cancer patients whilst getting daydrunk in Manhattan, The Valerie Fund is throwing a Fall Open Bar benefit on Sat 11/21 in NYC. The Valerie Fund took care of my friends referenced in 17.