Aliens and Anesthesia: What It’s Really Like To Get a Vasectomy
The worst part is shaving your balls.
“And this artifact bears a striking resemblance to modern fighter jets. Experts agree that the surfaces on this figurine are optimized for aerodynamics.”
The screen showed a side-by-side image of an F-15 and some ancient Peruvian sculpture of a bird or something. Call me a skeptic, but it just looked like kinda shitty art to me. Still, the show had the desired effect: I was totally engrossed.
As if reading my mind, Dr. M spoke up from the other end of the operating table. “Wild, isn’t it?” he asked, without looking up from his work (I was thankful for that). “It’s wacky, but it seems to be the best distraction for everyone.”
A few minutes later, he was finished. I officially wouldn’t be passing on my genes! The nurse returned with my goodie bag and I walked right out of the office, no one the wiser that I had a little square of gauze perched on my scrotum. Well, no one outside the office, at least. Pretty sure everyone who works there knows the deal.
If you–or another man in your life–had a vasectomy in the past, this story might sound insane. Talking to your doctor during the operation? Walking out of the clinic? Getting it all done in minutes? Have I lost my mind after watching too much Ancient Aliens?
Allow me to introduce you to the marvels of modern medicine, man.
I’ve known I don’t want children for quite some time. Even when I was young(er), dumb(er), married(er), and talking about kids with my ex, I didn’t really want them. I was not pursuing a nuclear family because I wanted one. For me, it was more of a “this is what people do” kinda thing.
Obviously, if you know you don’t want kids (and you’re a heterosexual dude), you have a few options.
First, you can go the traditional route. With this time-honored method, you exercise your Divine Masculine Right to unprotected sex. You rely on your totally-willing partner(s) to take The Pill daily, enduring breakthrough bleeding, headaches, nausea, bloating, high blood pressure, sore breasts, and all sorts of other side effects for the good of the cause. You know, because it just doesn’t feel the same when you use a condom.
Second, you can play it fast and loose, baby. So she doesn’t wanna take birth control? That’s fiiiiiiiine, I’ll just pull out. I’m totally in control, don’t worry, sweetheart. Oh, what’s that? I had a little mishap? Hakuna matata, babygirl. We’ll just go 50–50 on some good, old-fashioned Plan B. Sorry about your body being wrecked for a couple days. Totally worth it, though, amirite?
Enter the vasectomy. But first, listen up. There’s a caveat. I’ve had a concerning number of people tell me, “and if you change your mind, it’s always reversible!” NO. IT IS NOT. A vasectomy is permanent. If you aren’t 100% certain that you never want kids and that you will never want kids, DO NOT GET A VASECTOMY.
Are there instances in which a vasectomy can be reversed? Yes. Is a vasectomy considered a reversible surgery by the medical community? Absolutely not. Make sure you’re sure, bro.
However, if you’re absolutely certain you don’t want kids, then I’ve got some incredible news for you. You can ensure you’ll never spawn a mini-you and save your partner from some really unpleasant side effects. All in about 10 minutes with minimal pain and no side effects of your own. Talk about some relationship brownie points.
Different doctors call it different things (mine called it “Gentle Touch”), but the modern vasectomy involves no scalpel, no needle (local anesthesia is administered via a little air blaster thing), and 10 minutes of your time. Oh, and the total cost is about $750–before insurance.
Aside from Ancient Aliens and an unexpectedly humorous conversation with the guy operating on my nuts, this is about how my experience went:
1. I signed up online. I think I made my appointment for 3 months down the road. Wasn’t that long of a wait.
2. I got a packet of material from the doctor’s office. Aside from the normal insurance info, my doctor sent FAQs and videos of what to expect. There were lots of pictures of scrotums in the “after care” videos. Nice!
3. By far the funniest part of the process were the “Shaving Instructions.” According to my doctor, “shaving before a vasectomy seems to cause the most anxiety for men.”
To calm the nerves of these distressed dudes, my doctor built an entire landing page of shaving how-tos, full of advice to which any veteran manscaper would find himself nodding in solemn agreement.
These included such gems as “electric hair clippers: don’t use them!”, “don’t allow your partner to shave for you!”, and my personal favorite, in which my doctor urges men to shave prior to their vasectomy because it will significantly shorten the length of the procedure:
“Although the shave does not take very long, your perception of time will change when you are allowing another man, whom you have just met and don’t know very well, to do something as personal and private as shave your genital area.”
Fucking beautiful.
But guys, seriously? You’re getting your scrotum opened and you’re worried about shaving? Shaving your genitals isn’t scary. It’s part of many mens’ normal grooming routines. Or maybe I’m just exceptionally comfortable with razors because I use one daily on my whole fucking scalp.
4. The whole office visit lasted less than 30 minutes. I was in the waiting room for maybe three minutes after signing paperwork. Next, I was whisked into a little room where a nurse asked me questions about how long I’d thought about getting a vasectomy and if I was certain I wanted one (I was only 24 at the time, after all). This lasted maybe 10 minutes in total.
5. Next, the doctor brought me back to the operating room. I dropped my pants and lay back on the table, staring up at the overly enthusiastic conspiracy junkies on the ceiling-mounted TV. Local anesthesia hurt a little bit, comparable to a rubber band snap on my scrotum, which honestly sounds a lot worse than it was. The procedure itself might’ve taken less time than the conversation with the nurse. Nuts. No pun intended.
6. With a tiny square of gauze on my balls and a little bag containing my paperwork and “specimen cup” in hand, I walked out of the office. Totally done.
7. For the next 48 hours, I couldn’t work out or have sex. For some people, this could be the worst part of the whole procedure. What I’m getting at here is that vasectomies are fucking easy. Wisdom teeth are way more complicated and painful.
8. Over the next 3 months, you’re warned that you’re not 100% guaranteed sterile. You’re supposed to ejaculate at least 15 times to flush out your pipes before submitting your sample. If you work at a moderate pace, you can easily meet that requirement in the first week.
9. Finally, 3 months later, I dropped off my sample and got the test results back that afternoon. I was good to go! No pain, no side effects.
Cue the party and the best cake I’ve ever seen (thanks to my then-girlfriend for that one!). If you didn’t make the connection, it’s the one in the cover photo.
Honestly, guys, that’s all there is to it. If you’ve already sired your litter or you know for certain that you only want women your own age calling you “daddy,” go get a freakin’ vasectomy.
No, it doesn’t mean you can ditch Durex forever (STIs are still a thing, duh), but it does mean you don’t need to worry about unplanned pregnancies. And you might just save your partner from some seriously unpleasant side effects.
So chop, chop! Or is it “snip, snip?”
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