Food Addiction
The least selfish addiction?
I have addiction thick and heavy on both sides of my family tree. Drugs, alcohol, smoking, sex, shopping, gambling….if you can get addicted to it, someone in my family has danced with the devil and done so.
I’m old enough to have lived through Nancy Reagan’s “Just say no” campaign. At the time it seemed reasonable. Just don’t start. Say no, walk away, save yourself. It’s not that simple, though.
I’ve played around with most addictions at one point or another. Except gambling. Somehow, handing my hard-earned money over for the thrill of a chance to win big never appealed to me. Everything else though….hell, yes!
I started with sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Then from there, worked my way through breaking most of other ten commandments. By the time I hit my late teens I was smoking a pack a day, was rarely sober, and headed nowhere good.
Then in my early twenties, I got pregnant and had my first child. The alcohol and drugs stopped. The partying stopped. I got married, grew up a little bit. I had a second child, went back to school to be a nurse, stopped smoking, and grew up a lot.
Sounds neat and tidy, right? Like a Lifetime movie? It wasn’t. I was only shuffling the addictions around like three card monte. Drugs? Where’d they go? Now it’s drinking? Keep your eye on that! Nope, now that’s gone too!
I was only able to quit one thing by overdoing another. I quit doing drugs by drinking more. I quit drinking by smoking more. And then I quit smoking by eating more.
The easiest way to quit anything is to find a substitute for it…especially if it’s just a different kind of “bad”. If I had used essential oils and meditation to try to quit drinking, I don’t think I’d met with much success. I had to work my way down the addiction ladder. One rung at a time.
I was triumphant when I reached that year anniversary of no smoking. I thought of it as my last addiction. I’d beaten all my devils by the age of 28 and felt smugly bullet proof.
But I missed a devil.
Food.
I gained 30 pounds when I quit smoking.There were no more rungs on the ladder. Food was the solid ground I landed on. Food was my friend. It never let me down, always made me feel better, and never judged. It was always there, and not just socially acceptable…it was encouraged.
And most importantly, it never compromised my ability to take care of the people I love.
I could be a good mom, wife, nurse, and friend all while eating a donut. Actually, if I brought a dozen, I was considered a great friend and co-worker. I’d found an addiction that allowed me to live my life responsibly. All while stuffing down (literally) all the things I was feeling. Feeling tired, unappreciated, confused, scared? Food! Maybe sad? Or happy, relieved, or excited? Doesn’t matter what emotion it is…food was the answer!!
My shuffling of addictions had a pattern. I had tackled the addictions that were most harmful to those around me first. The ones most likely to hurt others were the ones I focused on.
If I’d continued drinking or doing drugs, I risked harming or losing my kids. I’d have struggled to weave the threads of daily tasks and responsibilities into a steady routine. I’d be unable to hold a job or provide my kids with a stable life. Then, what if I’d had to go to rehab? The time away from my kids and my job, the cost of treatment?? Nope. Best to just keep shifting the addiction.
Smoking had to go because it put my kids’ health at risk from secondhand smoke. I had to do my best to be around for them until they were grown. I needed to think of the health problems smoking could cause for me. Plus, it was crazy expensive, felt financially irresponsible, and set a bad example. I couldn’t very well be a nurse and a smoker, right?
Food, though…food never impaired my ability to be a good mom or nurse.
I got rid of the addictions that hurt others and kept the one that hurt only myself. A less-selfish addict, if you will
The problem with this method of addiction-busting is this: I never learned to deal with the reasons why I was drinking and smoking in the first place. I didn’t have to. When you exchange one addiction for another there’s no need to confront the devils head on.
It’s now 21 years later (!) and while I’m still proud of my life changes, I wish I’d done it differently. I wish I’d considered myself to be as important as the rest of the people in my life. I wish I’d taken the time to fight the devils head -on instead of playing three card monte with them.
I’ve carried those extra 30 pounds of stuffed feelings around for a long time. I think I’m going to put them down and fight the devil one last time.
I’ll let you know how it goes.
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