How to Deal With The Loss Of Parent Mentally
How to cope with the death of a parent: psychologists’ advice
The loss of a parent can be devastating. Here are eight pieces of mental health advice from experts.
Park Isolation, grief, loss melancholy woman Kneeling in front of tree shadows
Losing a parent is unlike any other kind of loss.
For many of us, the death of a parent is one of our most devastating losses.
According to Heidi Horsley, PsyD, executive director and creator of the Open to Hope Foundation, a nonprofit organization that supports people through grief and loss, saying goodbye to a parent is a life-changing experience that marks the end of a link we’ve known our entire lives.
We won’t know what life is like without our parents until it happens, she says.
“Having them leave, whether unexpected or not, can be distressing.”
Alexandra Kennedy, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Santa Cruz, California, and author of several books on grief, including Honoring Grief and Losing a Parent, adds that our biological parents give us life, and the parents who raise us (whether biological or not) shape our lives in profound ways. “They’ve been with us since the beginning, forming the bedrock of our identity.”
This is supported by research. According to survey data, people continue to experience difficulty sleeping, concentrating at work, getting along with others, and having a strong emotional response one to five years after losing a parent. According to another study, losing a parent increases the likelihood of a variety of mental and physical problems.
Physical health consequences, such as increased binge drinking, self-esteem difficulties, and a general loss of happiness.
Losing a parent doesn’t guarantee you’ll go through these things, but the study highlights how difficult it is to cope with a parent’s death, and how we may be more susceptible to some of these poor health outcomes if it happens.
This research also confirms that our parents play an important role in our self-esteem and feeling of purpose throughout our lives, and that dealing with loss is to be expected, according to Kennedy.
Dr. Horsley emphasizes that the grieving process is highly personal. “There is no universally applicable ‘correct’ approach to grieving,” she explains. “However, there are things you can do to assist you.”
1. Recognize that grief manifests itself in a variety of ways.
Lisa De Siena, a certified professional counselor, and director of bereavement services at Mayo Clinic in Eau Claire, Wisconsin, recommends learning about how grief works so you can work with it rather than against it.
According to De Siena, you may have felt like:
Disbelief
Sadness
Yearning
Numbness
Frustration
Anxiety
An inability to concentrate
2. Allow yourself to experience all of the emotions that arise.
The natural reaction of some people to grief is to suppress the harsh feelings that accompany it. This could be an attempt to “remain strong” or it could be a need to turn to work, alcohol, or other distractions. But, in the end, if you don’t allow yourself to breathe, you’ll never be happy.
According to Carla Marie Manly, PsyD, a professional psychologist in Sonoma County, California, “this method will not genuinely help you cope with and work through what you’re feeling.”
Furthermore, ignoring or compartmentalizing sentiments might lead unresolved feelings to pop up in outbursts or leave you emotionally locked off from others around you.
According to Kennedy, allowing yourself to grieve (in front of your suffering) stimulates healing inside your body. It’s fine to employ distraction and other tactics to get through certain sections of your day, but doing so all of the time might be harmful. Allowing yourself to experience your feelings forces you to develop strategies to deal with and live with your loss. It makes you more emotionally resilient.
3. Establish a Support Network
Turn to your support system, whether its family, friends, group therapy, or a bereavement counselor, Kennedy advises. According to the research, reaching out to a family member or close friend who has also lost a parent might be helpful. According to another study, counseling and support from loved ones can help young and middle-aged adults who have lost a parent.
4. Write a letter to your parents.
When someone you know goes away, there’s always the possibility that you didn’t get to say or resolve something with them. Some people are upset that a parent didn’t share family recipes, while others lament unresolved conflicts or missed chats, and yet others are disappointed that a parent missed graduation, a wedding, or another significant event.
Kennedy suggests writing a letter to your parents. Concentrate on what you didn’t get to say to your parents, what you want to thank them for, what you regret, and what you want to continue as part of their legacy. “Understand it won’t be sent, but it’s for you to process and discharge what you’re holding inside.”
It’s remarkable how one letter has helped individuals recover,” Kennedy adds.
5. Allowing yourself to grieve in small doses is a good idea (and keep doing so as needed).
A widespread fallacy about sorrow, according to Kennedy, whose father, Charles, died of cancer in 1988, is that you get through it and it’s over. People frequently believe that if they clean out someone’s house and get rid of their belongings, they will simply heal after some time. Grief is rarely as simple as that. For significant losses, sadness never totally goes away, and learning to live with it can take a long time.
Kennedy suggests devoting little amounts of time to grieving to learn how to cope. Allow yourself 20 minutes each day to grieve alone in a secure environment,
says Kennedy. Mourn, grieve, and allow yourself to fully experience your loss without holding back. Then go about your day, as usual, completing your job, homework, or taking care of your home or other duties. “It requires our attention for brief periods so that our nervous system is not overloaded,” Kennedy explains.
Consider including a friend or family member, or reaching out to a counselor or therapist to assist in creating a safe space if you don’t feel comfortable mourning alone for fear of being overwhelmed.
6. Make arrangements for holidays, birthdays, and the death anniversary of a parent.
According to De Siena, the first year without your parents there for holidays such as Christmas, Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day may be difficult.
The second-year may be just as difficult for some families. Planning for these important days can help.
Horsley, whose father passed away in October 2020, proposes developing a family practice or ritual that might be as simple as lighting a candle, making a toast, or cooking your parent’s favorite dish to share with the family to commemorate them on an occasion you know they’ll be missed. She invites her family and friends around to share a hilarious story or recollection about her father on his birthday. This custom allowed the group to discover more about Horsley’s father, even the odd, minor facts they had previously been unaware of.
7. Figure out a way to keep your parents involved in your life.
According to De Siena, some families preserve photos and souvenirs of their parents around the house to keep their memories alive.
In memory of Manly’s mother, her husband planted a redwood tree in their backyard. “That redwood tree reminds me of her every time I see it,” Manly adds. One of her clients bakes in the kitchen with her mother’s old aprons.
You might also be interested in:
In your garden, plant your parents’ favorite flowers.
Continue doing things your parents enjoyed, such as volunteering, sewing, fishing, or community service.
Donate to your parents’ favorite charity.
Read and watch your parents’ favorite books and films.
According to Manly, these gestures can be soothing and are a way to honor your loss.
8. Understand Your Loss
Horsley’s loss of her father and brother prompted her to start the Open to Hope Foundation, which is dedicated to assisting others in finding meaning and purpose after loss. She claims that helping people cope with their loss and heal is exactly what her father would want her to do.
Her father’s death inspired Kennedy to study sorrow and provide bereavement counseling for decades after his death. “I sense my father’s presence whenever I give a speech or teach a class.”
Also, try to make sense of your loss. Recognize when you’re carrying on a family tradition.
They began or are living out a lesson that they taught you. She says it’s a means for you to reconnect with and find meaning in the parent you’ve lost. But, she cautions, don’t force it; let these times come to you organically.
“You may have lost your parents, but they are still living in you,” she explains.
When Should You Seek Counseling for Coping With Parental Loss?
There is no such thing as normal grieving, and there is no defined period during which you should grieve. According to Manly, when you’ve lost a loved one, it’s vital to expect good and bad days.
However, if sadness continues to substantially interfere with your day-to-day functioning,
It’s crucial to know that there are services available to help you cope for a long period. If you’ve been struggling with the following issues for more than a month to six weeks, Manly and Horsley recommend seeking bereavement treatment, group therapy, or one-on-one counseling with a therapist:
You can’t seem to stop weeping or get out of bed.
You’re having problems meeting your obligations at work, school, or at home.
You are having difficulty sleeping or are sleeping excessively.
You’re either not interested in food or binge eating.
You find it difficult to make decisions.
You’re holding yourself responsible for their death.
You’re constantly amazed that your parents passed away.
You’re lonely, disconnected from others, or suspicious
since the death of others.
Without your loved one, you feel as if life is worthless or empty.
You’ve lost your sense of self or purpose in life.
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