On Harnessing the Benefits of Self-Competition
Volleyball was present in my life during a huge chunk of my formative years. I started playing when I was around 8 years old as part of a program called volleybees which my club offered. One of my first memories of volleyball was during serving practice. Volleybees used lighter balls to play with, but we had a chance to play with the competition-grade, heavier balls at the end of practice. Normally, we would serve from the middle of the court instead of the end line, but that day, I decided to serve at the end line with the heavy ball. I was practicing with one of my friends, and when I (to my utter shock) was able to get the ball over the net, she said, “I hate you.”
To me, that was a celebratory feat, and I can still feel the visceral switch from excitement to shame after my friend made that comment. I didn’t quite understand it then, but even though we were supposed to be on the same team, we were in competition with each other. The teams in my club were structured by age group and talent level. There were three tiers per age group: metro, red, and black. Only the best players could progress further up the ladder within this club. Everyone wanted to be on the best team, and only a few would make the cut. So, in essence, we were fighting among each other to get to the top. A team sport with intra-team competition feels a little backward, but I didn’t think much about it at the time. My only job was to get better and win games.
I played volleyball for ten years straight, and as my time within the sport grew and my role as a player became more serious, more ideas about competition began cropping up.
Alongside the teammate vs. teammate competition, there was, of course, the team vs. team competition. For a while, there was ecstasy in beating another team. I remember moments of scoring points and shooting my fist in the air as if I was Thor, hoping to harness energy from lightning to do it all again with even more power. However, by my last year of high school, I began to grow tired of the competition. I thought that I was putting in too much emotional energy for a small-town team. I understood the drive that my other teammates and coaches had, but it did not resonate with me as I began to come into my own. I decided to end my volleyball career after my senior year season. Sometimes I fantasize about playing on a team again, but I assume that is merely fueled by nostalgia.
Even though the teammate vs. teammate and team vs. team competition dissipated from my immediate reality, with competition being at the center of my formative years, it makes sense that it would still exist in my life in some capacity. When I started pole dancing, I became aware of the self vs. self competition I have within me.
This form of competition is more nuanced, not as often spoken about in terms of team sports, and important to recognize in order to harness its benefits.
When I think about what an impact volleyball had on me, I think about the sport's main ethos, which was winning. From what I remember, we were not trained to find joy in our craft; our only objective was to win. And to do so, we had to be good. After I ended my volleyball career, I didn’t put myself into situations that would require any form of intense competition; I got into literature and music. Of course, there is some competition in these industries, but it is definitely not the point of doing it; it’s not as literal as volleyball. It was only until pole dance came into my life that I realized what remained in me from volleyball.
Pole dance reminds me of volleyball. It is very athletic, form and body awareness are at its core, and the soreness I feel after intense training feels just like it did after our pre-season conditioning days. When I started pole dancing, my body remembered volleyball.
The visceral remembrance eventually found its way up to my mind where I made some realizations of how I conduct myself within athleticism—I always strive to be the best. I am always reaching for that metaphorical top of the ladder. However, there is no real winning in life. There is no longer a referee that blows his whistle when my team scores the game-ending point. I did not give a sportsman handshake to my classmate when I received a higher grade. There is not a bracketed list posted in my dance studio showing the results of championship matches. The more I grow up, the less literal things become.
Self vs. self competition seems bad, but it’s deceptively bad in the sense that it can be reframed. If you have a black and white photograph of a lonesome tulip, an ornate gold frame might not suit it. Instead, you might place it inside a simple white frame to compliment the composition. The deprecating aspects of self vs. self competition did not fit my personality, goals, and aspirations. But it also did not seem right to get rid of the competition altogether.
Instead, I am working on reframing this ingrained aspect of myself to harness the best parts of it.
Self vs. self competition has given me the motivation to be the best I can be. I have high aspirations for my aerialist career, and the only way I can reach those is to keep improving my craft. I have felt guilt for not training for a day or two at a time and shame for not executing a move with grace. But these emotions do not serve me; that frame around self vs. self competition does not fit.
By recognizing personality traits that I developed throughout my life experiences, I have the ability to reframe them in a way that serves my present needs.
After being disassociated from volleyball for some time now, I can see more clearly how big of a role it played in my life. And I am grateful that it was in my life because I wouldn’t be who I am today without it. I do not resonate with carving out a self that feels like who I am now. By doing so, I am discarding the parts of me that made me, me! Instead, I choose to use those bits and pieces to mold new creations, accessories on my ever-evolving statue—flowers to put in my hair, patches to sew on my jeans.
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