The Inescapable Power of No and How to Wield It
It’s about transforming your life.
If you can’t say no you’ll never be truly free. The power to say no is the power to set boundaries both for yourself and those that come and go from your life. The ability to leverage no is the ability to stand your ground in the face of fear and adversity. Not only that but it is the power to chart your own trajectory.
As a physical therapist and coach, I see the power of no squandered nearly every day in the lives of those who need it the most. I work primarily with athletes in my practice. I help them when they’ve finished up with traditional physical therapy but aren’t ready to go back to competition. Or when they’ve found a weak link in their performance and they need help bridging the gap.
One of the most important tools I use is their breath. The breath is the gateway to the nervous system. This matters because the nervous system is the master of our experiences. Every single thing you see, feel, hear, touch, taste, or interact with in any way is filtered through the nervous system. It’s therefore seen through the lens the nervous system is using at that moment, and that lens tends to be largely emotional.
That means if someone had a rough day at work and they carry those same emotions home with them it’s likely that they’ll be seeing their own family through the same lens that they used with their douchey co-workers.
That’s not ideal.
Changing the lens is important it can’t be done if you can’t say no.
Changing the lens requires taking ownership of our emotions and what they’re doing to our bodies.
Here’s an easy example: Imagine that you’re walking through the woods and you see a beautiful bird not far off of the trail. You want a closer look so you leave the trail so you can take a photo. You walk 100 yards or so and snap the shot. You hear some rustling in the bushes a few feet to your right and a baby bear tottles out. Excitedly you turn your phone toward the cub to snap this once in a lifetime picture and you hear a growl come from behind you that’s so deep and ominous that you feel it more than you hear it. Momma bear is angry and she’s planning on removing your face in 3…2…1
What’s going to happen in that situation?
Terror will flood your mind you’ll either freeze, in which case sayonara, or you’re about to run faster than you ever thought possible. This all makes sense and is rather intuitive right? That’s the way your nervous system is supposed to work. It gets input from the outside world, adds a splash of emotion to color the edges, and boom you get a response that will, in theory, lead to the best-case survival scenario.
Here’s the problem, not very many of us meet bears in the woods these days. In fact, the VAST majority of the threats we face reside primarily between our ears and not in the real world. On the surface, this seems like a pretty good deal, unfortunately, our primal wiring hasn’t gotten the message that survival isn’t on the line every time our nervous systems cue up our bodies to deal with something stressful.
Dealing with an annoying co-worker doesn’t require the same response as the bear, or your spouse or kids.
What does this have to do with the power of no?
EVERYTHING!
Each and every response you have is a choice. You get to choose whether or not you’re going to be a victim of your physiology or the master. You get to choose whether or not you’re going to continue using the same lens at work, at home, or at play. You’re in the driver’s seat and you’ve been tasked with charting your own path.
If that sounds like a lot of responsibility to you, you’re right, it is. You’re responsible for absolutely everything you do and that’s the way it should be. If it were any other way you would never be able to be the captain of your own life.
You can only change things that you take responsibility for.
Read that again. You can only change it if you TAKE responsibility for it, and this is where “no” comes in. We humans prefer the path of least resistance rather than the path of personal responsibility. The past of least resistance also tends to be the default of the nervous system. It cares about survival in the moment not thriving long term.
This is where you must exercise the power of no.
“No, I’m not going to allow myself to close off because the world feels like it’s on fire.”
“No, I’m not going to blow up and hurl accusations rooted in fear at my spouse/partner.”
“No, I’m not going to be walked on by my boss and colleges anymore, simply because I’m afraid of confrontation.”
“No, I’m not taking the path of least resistance, I’m going to step up and take radical personal responsibility for my life and myself.”
Sure, that looks good on paper but putting something like that into practice is significantly more difficult than reading it and nodding your head like you agree with it. So how do you do it? How do you start taking responsibility for these very fast and nearly automatic responses?
The Breath
Let’s go back to the breath. Because it’s the gateway to the nervous system it’s your best bet to interrupt the warping your perspective by your nervous system and shoving you down the path of least resistance. When you take control of your breath in the moment you get to choose your lens. You become the proverbial optometrist. You get to ask yourself, “Do I like the view from lens number one or number two better? Do I want to play the victim in this scenario or the hero? Am I going to take responsibility for myself or hope that someone else is willing to save me?”
Spoiler alert, no one is coming to save you!
Here are the basics for saying no and using your breath to do it.
1. Breathe through your nose whenever possible.
Nasal breathing keeps your nervous system on an even keel and out of the fight or flight state. There’s nothing wrong with the fight or flight state when it’s appropriate. But unless you’re fighting/running for your life, or working at top end physical exertion it won’t serve you very well. Oral breathing will shift you into a fight or flight state almost instantly. There’s a reason calling someone a mouth breather is an insult of intelligence. Mouth breathing makes it much more difficult to make good decisions.
2. Breathe low and wide in your body.
Your diaphragm is the main driver of respiration. If you’re not using it efficiently and you’re breathing up into your shoulders and neck, you’re cueing your body to go into a fight or flight state. You also stop using the portion of your lungs that’s most efficient for exchanging oxygen.
3. Pay attention.
Your breathing will shift away from nasal breathing and up into your upper chest, neck, and shoulders nearly instantly and without you noticing as soon as you detect stress. At first, simply observe it. Observe the way your body feels as your breathing changes and stress increases. Once you’ve done that a few times, say no and fight it. When your breathing speeds up and it shifts into your shoulders and your mouth break the cycle. Choose to keep your breathing low, wide, and through your nose. Choose to keep your nervous system in check. Choose to make your body and your stress responses your most valuable team players rather than your adversaries.
In Summary
You can use the power of “no” to change the way your body and mind interact with stress. You can change the lens of your nervous system to see difficult things as opportunities. You can set boundaries that will enable you to flourish.
All you need to do is learn to say no.
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