What 40 Years and 100-Mile Races Taught Me About Distance

Reflections on my 40th birthday

I stare at the photo in disbelief. Anger, sadness, and compassion merge into an overwhelming emotional storm as I try to understand. But no matter how hard I try, I can’t find a logical explanation for why I didn’t see back then what I do see now.

I do, however, know why I have changed so much in the 17 years since that photo was taken.

And while the transformation of my body is apparent, I know that the real transformation was internal. I know that my eating disorder was the physical manifestation of the psychological struggles I didn’t know how to overcome.

At 23 years old, I was still struggling with severe social anxiety, likely a result of a traumatic childhood.

My stepfather was an alcoholic who called me “fatty,” and my mother was equally verbally abusive. At school, I was bullied for being “ugly.” I sucked in PE and would regularly “forget” my sports clothes to avoid the humiliation of being picked last for team sports.

I was too afraid to ask questions and even more terrified to answer them.

I was a loner and grew up without ever experiencing what friendship meant.