We Are Who We Are With

Friends!

This week, I am returning to something I have touched upon many times in this newsletter series. The incredible importance of the people you spend most of your time with. In fact, it’s such an important topic that it is one of my core 3 beliefs.

So today, I want to double click a bit on that last one.

It seems particularly relevant after a year of social distancing. Our social world shrunk considerably last March. We made an innocent but still unfortunate mistake early in COVID when we decided to call the importance of physically distancing ourselves “social distancing” rather than “physical distancing.” That’s a meaningful distinction.

Every day, we have measured the different impacts of the pandemic through all sorts of metrics. There are still many effects we have yet to see — or are able to measure. The separation from social connections might show up over time as a bigger “cost” of the pandemic than we currently realize. As usual, we live in a what-you-see-is-what-you-get culture where we only manage what we know how to measure. In other words, out of sight, out of mind.

Humans are constantly mirroring one another. I can’t recall when I first came in contact with the idea that we are so influenced by our immediate surroundings. Early in life, it’s so obvious that we don’t think about it. Kids constantly parrot the things they see and hear. As adolescents, we hang out with our friends, and it’s a matter of time before we find ourselves listening to the same music, wearing the same clothes, and eating the same food.

My father taught me early lessons in being selective with those you develop close friendships with. I remember, particularly, one instance where he observed me developing a closer and closer relationship with an older guy on my street, and he told me I must stop seeing him. And I did. While we will never know for sure what would have happened, I trusted in his judgment. Parents influence their children to a large extent primarily by curating the environment surrounding their upbringing. My father did that and so many other things well. Thank you, Dad! And since today is August 1st and would have been my mother’s 83rd birthday I say thanks to her as well.

And now, as I reflect on my life, I have developed a deeper conviction around curating and cultivating who I spend time with as being one of the more important dimensions of a life well-lived.

As a leader of organizations, I have witnessed firsthand the power of a cohesive work culture. The experience of good vs bad meetings. A collective spirit that is strong and aligned vs weak and dispersed. It also became more and more obvious to me the impact of recruiting someone that simply didn’t fit in. It wasn’t always understood why, but it was always clear if there was a poor cultural fit with a new hire. Regardless of other talents this person may have had, it just didn’t work. This very much cemented my belief that humans and organizations should have a “purpose bigger than their product.” My experiences pointed out so clearly that companies that did had stronger cultures and ended up outperforming other companies that stood for less.

We see it in sports teams all the time. It’s never the collection of the best individual athletes that win, but rather which organization can foster a bond between players. That’s what makes that team greater than the sum of its parts. Listen to the great short piece below from Giannis Antetokounmpo, our newest NBA champion, and how he talks about ego. It’s inspiring.

So, while this idea mainly is about surrounding yourself with the right people — you can also take that principle one step further. Consider your sensory surroundings, as well as your social ones. There are similar forces at play with other experiences. Houses you enter, for instance. Some make you feel a certain way, and it’s almost like you have known that place forever. Particular scents have the ability to transport you in time immediately. Same with a special piece of music or a particular landscape. I guess what I’m saying is — pay attention to what it is that makes you feel good and then work towards placing yourself in that feeling more often.

Trying to figure out who and what we feel a sense of belonging to is a very complex phenomenon to understand. It’s deeply personal. It’s a wondrous cocktail with ingredients ranging from where you were born, cultural traits of your upbringing, what created your most happy or sad moments, your style of language, level of ambition, key experiences that shaped you, marriage, kids, and a host of many factors.

There is, thankfully, plenty of science around this concept. Smarter people than me have spent their careers trying to understand it. The field is typically referred to as “social contagion.” Like most of my favorite ideas, it dates back to Plato. But in later times, several other scientists have contributed to the field, such as Le Blon, Blumer, Dawkins, and perhaps my favorite, Nicholas Christakis.

I try my best to remind myself and the people I work with about the importance of this. Culture eats strategy for lunch. It is NOT that you should surround yourself with people that you like or are the same as you. That is a recipe for disaster. Diversity is paramount for any ecosystem to survive and thrive. But it is about surrounding yourself with people who share the same values and are committed to the same process towards a shared desired outcome.

Weight loss is a classic example. So is smoking. If you want to lose weight, we know full well that it is impossible unless the people you spend the most time with support you and are committed to the same food regimens. No one can do that alone. Same with smoking. The thing is, you can extend that principle to generosity, kindness, laughter, love, and just about any feeling or sentiment you would like to have more of in your life.

After a year of separation, we have to get back together. Perhaps this is an opportunity to reflect on who you really would like to spend more time with. I think our lives would be more successful if we all became more aware of the impact we have on others.

If we all tried a bit harder to be kinder, to recognize our fellow humans, to smile more, to show more simple acts of generosity, and to expand the circle of our social contagion, we would actually all make a meaningful contribution to human happiness.

And what else are we supposed to do with our lives?

Here are a few things to double-click on relative to this topic:

• Great piece by Adam Grant in NYT on the negative social effects of distancing with powerful examples of our need for togetherness.
• I loved this short video with Giannis Antetokounmpo who led the Bucks to their first NBA title since 1971. His response about ego is inspiring.
• This might surprise you. According to Gallup, more Americans now considers themselves to be “thriving” than in the last 13 years.
• And here is Nicholas Christakis TED talk from 2010 about the power of real social networks. You can read more about him here.

That’s it. I am beyond lucky to be surrounded by such a wonderful family, incredible friends, and talented business partners. You make me who I am. I am grateful to all of you. And I will pay it forward by considering in every encounter with another human how I can give more energy than I take and try my best to live my life as a contribution to the common good.

Thank you! And have a great week!

Originally published on August 1, 2021.