WTCWYAPOS: The Best Damn Breakfast Sandwich

Oh Man! Look at the bone structure on that hand model!

When You Should Cook This: A friend of yours is coming in from out of town, and he hits you with the “hey man, is it cool if I crash with you?” text. Like the piece of shit you are, you immediately begin shoving dirty clothes into the closet and throwing away the trash that has been alarmingly accumulating since you last had a friend or family member over. You are more or less trying to pull your life together enough that your buddy doesn’t start texting your mom concernedly, etc. etc.

Anyway, your friend gets there, you have a laugh (or two), and then comes the moment of truth: it’s bed time, and you have to show him the lean-to/makeshift sleeping structure you have created with an Ikea fold-out couch and mattress that your other friend has kindly bequeathed to you. You cleverly take the mattress off of the fold-out couch and place them next to each other so that you actually have twice the sleeping room. Pro tip: this is easy to do because the only other furnishing in your room is a guitar stand and a camp chair.

Because you’re the worst, you’re unable to fall asleep. Fear not, though, since now you’ll have plenty of time to plan to cook the Best Damn Breakfast Sandwich. You’re literally lying awake thinking about what would make a breakfast sandwich taste really good without you actually having to do that much more work. It shouldn't take long before you realize that a diabolical mega-corporation (that will remain nameless for maybe copyright reasons, but also maybe comedic reasons) has already made billions of dollars by creating just that thing. So you will just do what they do, except like, better, because you’ll be doing it from scratch and also you’ll put some fucking love into it. So yeah, you’re gonna make a McGriddle Best Damn Breakfast Sandwich.

What You Need From The Store:

Don’t bother cleaning your dirty cereal bowl for the purpose of pictures that will go on the internet! Embrace the mess!

1. Eggs:

How many? One per person who’s gonna be eating a sammie, plus probably a couple more because eggs come by the 12 pack, dumbass, so it’s not gonna be exact and also your punk friends will probably bring some of their friends when they hear you’re cooking. People these days, am I right?

2. Cheese:

Hot take here: buy some cheese, but then promptly stick it in your fridge for later. Cheese is really good, but I don’t actually want it on this breakfast sandwich, my supplies were just running low. Obviously, you can add cheese to this recipe per your discretion. If you can’t figure out how to do that, then thank fucking God you found this cookbook. You’re welcome.

3. Pancake Supplies:

Ok. Here’s where you have two options. You can go to the store, buy a pre-made box of pancake mix, which will tell you exactly how to whip up as many pancakes as you need (2 per person) and will save you a bit of time — like maybe ten minutes. With that saved time you can start a load of laundry, or finally record that amazing Shrek 3 fan theory video you’ve been thinking about for years[1] (or whatever). Or, you can decide that you never do laundry with your little pockets of time anyway and you can decide to do this the right way. Honestly, this is a game-time decision thing. I don’t have all the answers, shockingly. However, if you want to make this sammie the right way, I’ll introduce you to my Great Grandfather’s pancake recipe which, is guaranteed to make better pancakes than anything you’ll buy in a store. Yes, we are using this recipe in favor of my mom’s because it turns out she’s just been phoning it in for my whole childhood (I’m not upset about it, seriously I’m fine, OK, maybe I’m not). If you want to take the lazy (@ mom) route, more power to you, just substitute whatever boring directions the box has for what I tell you.

For this way though, you’ll need:

3/4 c. unsifted all-purpose flour
 1/2 t. salt
 1/2 t. baking soda
 1–1/2 t. baking powder
 2 eggs, separated
 1 c. buttermilk

4. Meat of Some Sort:

I used SPAM because it is cheap and salty and I like it, but any meat source will work. If you are vegetarian then I understand, but buy a meat source anyway and just give it to your cute puppy or a stray cat or whatever. Basically, jut do your part to keep propping up the meat industry and help along the eventual destruction of humanity when our lack of morals and integrity catches up with us. If you’re vegan, you’re shit out of luck because the pancake recipe needs milk and eggs and I don’t know how to substitute those out, sorry. Good alternatives to SPAM include bacon, country ham, some kind of sausage etc…

5. Veggies of Some Sort:

I used poblano peppers and green onions as my veggies because I wanted it to be spicy, but we all know I’m not tough enough to eat Jalapenos. Basically, you just want something to make this sandwich taste a little fresher and lighter and not like it’ll send you and all of your friends to an early grave. Good options here are tomatoes, lettuce, or crushed up Prilosec OTC Heartburn Medicine (Do we think Larry the Cable Guy will sponsor this cookbook?.

6. Lastly, Stuff to Make a Sauce:

You’re gonna want to make a funky mayo, cause that’ll be classy and will wow all of your guests. Well, it will impress them as much as mayonnaise can impress anyone. Also it is so easy to make that you could just set the ingredients on the floor of a daycare center, leave to use the bathroom, and by the time you return, those kids will have a patent on it. I made mine by mixing Mayo and Cholula Hot Sauce. Do that. Don’t use Sriracha unless you’re a chef for a restaurant in Brooklyn in 2007.

What You Need From The Kitchen:

1. A Cast-Iron Skillet or Pancake Cooking Surface

2. A Bunch of Measuring Cups and Things in which to Mix Stuff

3. A Whisk

How We Are Gonna Make This:

Okay. Got Everything? Great. First things first:

1. Start Making Those Cakes

The pancakes are gonna take the longest, so make sure you do them first. They will taste the best if you wait to start this step until everyone is hungry already, because then they will be finished right as people start begging you to just let them go out to brunch or eat Cheerios or something. *The sweet spot* Anyway, you are gonna mix together all the dry ingredients (3/4 c. flour, ½ t. salt, ½ t. baking soda, 1–1/2 t. baking powder). Optimally you would sift them all together, but if you’re like me and you don’t own a sifter, then just take a regular old fork and swirl it around in the bowl. Just try to mix it all up so you don’t bite down on a big chunk of baking powder later on. And now, once you’ve mixed all the dry ingredients, take an extra handful of flour and throw it in, cause it’ll make the pancakes firmer and they’ll get all soggy otherwise.

Now, beat together the 2 egg yolks and the cup of buttermilk, and whisk the egg whites until they start to stiffen. Be forewarned; they’ll get really bubbly and your arm will get really tired, but don’t give up. You’ll (hopefully) survive.

Whisk these with a whisk, only a dummy would try to use a fork, cause it’ll take an eternity

Worst thing that happens if you don’t whisk them enough is the pancakes won’t be as airy, but we are piling a bunch of food on them so it’s not very critical.

Finally, add the egg yolks/buttermilk mix to the dry ingredients, mix all that together, and then gently fold the egg whites in as well. Just more or less dump them on top and then use a wooden spoon to kind of drag the mix on top of the whites, but don’t mix too much. Again, we are trying to make this as fluffy as possible, but if any of your friends complain about the fluffiness you can always complain about the pressure differentials at various elevations. Alternatively, you can karate chop them right between the eyes to quell dissent. Your choice.

2. Let the Pancake Mix Sit, Slice the Meat/Veggies. and then Cook up the Meat

Yes, the spam initially smells exactly the way you expect it to.

Just give the pancake mix like five minutes, and take your meat and cook it kind of slowly. It doesn’t need to be done by the time the pancakes start.

3. Start Cooking the Pancakes:

Take a wooden spoon and scoop enough pancake mix to make like a 4 or 5-inch diameter pancake into your skillet. Oh, actually before you do that, heat up the skillet, you want it to be just under “hot as hell” when you add the mix. Now that it’s hot, add the mix and cook the pancakes two at a time. The trick is don’t mess with them. Just let them sit until it’s time to flip.

You can sort of see the little bubbles starting to form, but these need a little longer.

You’ll know it’s time to flip because you’ll start to see little bubbles popping on their tops. When you flip, try to target a new part of the skillet because the part you’ve been cooking on has gotten colder now. Then, just let em sit for a minute or two, and this time you may want to check if the underside is burning just by reaching in with your flipper and taking a gander. Once they’re cooked, take these off and repeat this until you’ve cooked enough pancakes for everyone to have a sandwich.

4. Cook the Eggs During this Time, or Enlist Some Backup

PSA: What happens if you try to do it all at once, without any help

This bit, while the pancakes and the meat and the eggs are all cooking, can get a little overwhelming. So make it easier on yourself by either only making scrambled eggs (involves less babysitting), or having someone fry the eggs for you. TBH, you could just let the pancakes get a little cold, this isn’t that deep, remember? I like to sort of half scramble the eggs, so the yolk is still vaguely distinguishable from the white, but has been broken and cooked enough that it won’t be super runny.

5. Put the Eggs, Meat, Veggies and Spicy Mayo on the Pancakes; Serve:

Let your imagination run wild here. You can do sauce/meat/egg/veggie layers, or veggie/sauce/egg/meat layers. Whatever you want. I am pretty sure that there are 4(!) options to chose from, but don’t quote me on that because I haven’t done math in years and I never really got a firm handle on probability. Ultimately, the construction of these sandwiches are spiritually guided by a Fast Food Icon who dresses up like a clown, so they were never gonna be beautiful and dainty. On the plus side, all of the ingredients are homemade, so they’ll taste fucking good. Just make sure to pour one out in honor of Ray Kroc, because without him, we could never have made the Best Damn Breakfast Sandwich.

The Best Damn Open-Faced Breakfast Sandwich (for the Scandinavians out there)

[1] Puss in Boots and Fiona should’ve gotten together!!! He’s voiced by sexy-ass Antonio Banderas, like are you fucking kidding me!!!!!!

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