Less About Safety, More About Joy
Both are important, but one is more so.
I can’t go 24 hours without running into the same apparent dichotomy, the same challenge. In dealing with aging family, friends’ aging family, friends’-of-friends aging family, and stories of aging family, I keep seeing the same challenge: balancing “safety” against “well-being” or “happiness” or, as I am settling on, “joy.”
In a perfect world, these two wouldn’t be at odds. And thankfully, in some circumstances, they’re not. Sometimes, with careful thought, we can achieve both.
But we don’t live in a perfect world and very often the desire for safety (leading to “longevity” and other downstream apparent benefits) runs afoul of the pursuit of joy.
A quick example may help.
A friend was relating his grandmother’s situation, where she lived home alone, essentially back on the farm. She had a couple chickens. She loved them. She named them, took care of them, and simply enjoyed them. They were killed by a predator and the family built a more fortified coop and got some more chickens, as the grandmother sought to regroup and rebuild. But, my friend related, “We weren’t really sure it should continue. Another one of the kids was particularly concerned. What if she fell while going out to the coop? What if she got injured?”
This is a valid concern. Even a young buck can fall or get injured — especially on a farm or “outdoors.” And definitely, an older, more frail woman could.
But, in seeking to improve her safety, the family risked robbing her of the single most important element of her life, a cause of joy for her, for meaning, for activity, for engagement. Is it worth it?
There are dozens, nay hundreds or thousands, of examples.
We recently ran a poll on Kaloop’s Facebook page:
In this case, the “happiness” crowd did win, but it was close, and for awhile it was back-and-forth. Some respondents couldn’t help but comment below the poll, “both!” And, to be sure, it’s true! We all want safety and happiness. But you only got one vote in this poll, because there are just too many times where these have to be run against each other or, that is, you have to give priority to one or the other.
I’m not advocating for a dogmatic, black-and-white, either-or posture for considering safety vs. joy. I’m always hopeful for a savvy balance, a silver bullet that achieves both. In fact, that’s exactly why we created Kaloop. But I just keep running up against a pile of tradeoffs, against these two needs refusing to play nicely together or, at least, families not thinking clearly enough, or honestly enough, to realize what’s at stake.
In all too many cases, the “safety” side wins without much consideration of the tradeoffs at all — the “no-brainer” lob usually favors the safety angle. It’s rare that it runs the other way.
“Of course she shouldn’t have the chickens any more. She’s 93. She could get hurt.”
Yes indeed, she could, but what if she’s guaranteed to be hurt by not having them?
Over at Kaloop, we’re working hard to balance the things that matter. And that’s quite a struggle at times. We’re hoping to help families nurture the joy and well-being of their elders while coming closer together as a family. We think that really matters. Please feel free to contact us or continue the discussion below.
