Say Good Bye To The Green-Eyed Monster
An Antidote To Jealousy
We’ve all been there. We’ve all had the same feeling at one time or another. No one is immune. That moment when something doesn’t feel quite right.
Maybe it’s a story that just doesn’t add up and it strikes a chord deep inside?
Maybe it’s too many late nights at the office?
Perhaps there are too many unexplained late night phone calls?
Maybe it’s all these things combined?
It could be anything, but the feeling is still the same. It’s that niggling of worry in the back of your mind that won’t go away. That hollow feeling in the pit of your stomach. The one that keeps you on high alert, and makes you question every move your partner makes.
Some of us handle it better than others. Suddenly everything becomes suspicious. Those of us that can’t handle it, can’t keep quiet about it for long. We hate ourselves for it, but we can’t stop. The next questionable thing that comes up is the one that prompts the third degree. He answers your questions, although it irritates him that you even have to ask, and it mollifies you for a while until the next time something suspicious happens. Because everything seems suspicious to you now. This time, however, he doesn’t take it so lightly. This time, your questions erupt in a full blown fight. He doesn’t see them as questions, but “accusations,” and suddenly it’s an “interrogation.” Now you’ve really got a problem on your hands because he knows you don’t trust him. You want to, you really do, but you just can’t get rid of the feeling that something is wrong.
That “feeling” is jealousy. It’s been the cause of break ups for as long as there have been relationships. When we’re young and just starting to learn how to have relationships, jealousy is a common feeling. Some of us learn how to deal with it, others don’t.
Personally, I’ve been on both sides. The green-eyed monster has lived inside of me for many years, destroying many relationships. I’m not ashamed to admit it. At times, I even fed it, nourished it, and embraced it. I fueled it, and it fueled me. The monster and I became one. Looking back, I wonder how many relationships would have ended differently had I not befriended the monster? On the other hand, the green-eyed monster inside some of my boyfriends ruined many of my relationships too. No matter which partner the monster resides in, the result is usually the same. In fact, it’s inevitable.
No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who’s jealous. However, while we don’t want to be with a jealous person, sometimes it’s nice to know that our partner thinks we’re capable of being “wooed” away by someone else.
The key to any healthy relationship is trust. I know, I know, we’ve all heard that before. So have I, and it never helped me either. I used to say, “I trust YOU, it’s EVERYONE ELSE I don’t trust!” and then the green-eyed monster of jealousy would rear its ugly head and cause yet another fight. Fortunately, I’ve managed to tame the monster for many years, however, I never quite killed it.
Now, I finally have the answer we’ve all been looking for, how to kill that green-eyed monster. But, I can’t take credit for it. It came to me by chance, and it happened on a sunny Sunday afternoon while I was having a conversation with my husband.
You see, we’ve been married for almost 12 years now and throughout our marriage, my husband has never shown an ounce of jealousy. Not even a tiny bit, to the point that it got to be extremely annoying! Obviously, I don’t want to be married to a jealous man. One who wants to know where I am and who I’m with at all times. (I’ve been there, done that.) But would it hurt for him to wonder or ask at least occasionally about the men I’m scheduled to meet for lunch? Or when he happened to hear that I had to meet with the same man several times, would it kill him to ask about the guy? You know, do something to let me know he fears the possibility of losing me? By not asking these questions, he made me feel as if he thought he had nothing to worry about. I also felt as if he thought I wasn’t desirable enough to attract another man…
So there we were, on that sunny Sunday afternoon, having a conversation about our schedules for the upcoming week, and it just so happened that I couldn’t hold my tongue any longer. (Gee, big surprise!)
“I’m glad you’re not the jealous type. I’ve been through that before and I hated it, but I have to admit I think it’s very odd that you’re not jealous about anything. It’s also very frustrating.”
“Why is it frustrating? I trust you. You should be happy. Would you rather I question you about every single thing you do? Or ask you to check in every couple of hours so I know where you are? Would you rather I check your cell phone to see who you’ve called or who’s called you?”
“No, that’s not what I meant. It’s just that it comes across like you don’t care or as if you don’t think you have anything to worry about. What do you think that says to me?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, take the other night, for example, when I went out with my girlfriends you told me to wear something sexy and joked about driving the guys at the club crazy. I don’t know any other husband who would ever say that! Or when I have to have lunch with clients, alone, sometimes the same guy several times, you never ask about them or act the least bit concerned. In fact, you knew I found one of them attractive and from then on you teased me about having lunch with my ‘boyfriend’. I hated that you knew that. I don’t know which was worse, the fact you knew or the fact you teased me and didn’t seem the least bit concerned.”
“Sweetheart, you’ve never given me any reason not to trust you. Let me ask you something, when you go out with your friends, are you going out to look for other guys?”
“No!”
“Are you planning on coming home to me?”
“Of course!”
“Exactly! That’s my point. So while you may go out looking sexy, and you might be driving other guys wild, I can relax knowing you’re coming home to me. Those other guys can look all they want, but it’s me you’re coming home to and my bed you’ll be in when the night is over. Why should I be jealous?”
At this point, I became quite upset because while I understood what he was saying, it just isn’t NORMAL behavior. Everyone knows that’s how we’re supposed to behave, but who does that?
Side note: My husband is known for being “mature.” Everything we’re told as a society we’re supposed to be and do, but no one ever actually is or does, he is somehow capable of. I sometimes give him a hard time for being “perfect,” and I’m not the only one. It can be hard to live with someone who’s perfect. It sheds light on my own shortcomings. Sometimes, it’s like living with Christ. Not only does he talk the talk, but he walks the walk.
But I digress…
“Because a little jealousy is normal, that’s why,” I told him. “Besides, do you think you’re so great that I couldn’t possibly want anyone but you? Is your self-confidence that high?”
“No, that’s not it at all. I just happen to believe you when you say you love me.”
“Ugh! You’re impossible sometimes, you know that? Here’s the thing, sometimes a woman wants her man to be a little jealous. When you’re not, it makes me feel like you don’t think I’m capable of attracting anyone else or that no one else could possibly want me.”
“That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard.”
“Why?”
“Because it just is. The fact that I trust you and don’t get jealous makes you feel like I think you can’t get anyone else?”
“Kind of… yeah.”
“That’s not true at all. I have no doubt whatsoever you could go out and get any man you wanted.”
“Yeah, right. Then how do you do it? How do you not worry that I’ll meet someone else and want them more than you? How do you not worry when I go out with my friends that I might meet some man who will sweep me off my feet? How are you not jealous?”
Here comes the answer to it all and this is why I can’t take credit for it. It’s so simple, yet, so true; there’s no disputing his logic.
“I just try to be the best husband I can be. All the time. Every day. Every minute. Every second. If I do that, and you still cheat, then that’s on you. I’ll know there was NOTHING I could’ve done different.”
That right there is the key.
He went on to say,
“I’m not going to spend my life worrying about something I can’t control. If you’re going to cheat, you’re going to cheat. But if I know in my heart that I was the best husband I could possibly be, and you still cheated, then I’ll know there was nothing I could’ve done to prevent it.”
When he finished speaking, I just stood there with my mouth hanging open. Once again, he’d totally flabbergasted me. I shouldn’t have been surprised; this was a normal occurrence in our marriage. After 11 years, you’d think I’d be used to it, but his fountain of wisdom never seems to run dry.
Some of what he said isn’t new. I’ve heard it said time and again and I’m sure you have too, “If a person’s going to cheat, they’re going to cheat. There’s nothing you can do about it.” But it’s the other part that really made all the difference. It applies to either partner in a romantic relationship.
If we just try to be the best (insert title here) we can be. All the time. Every day. Every minute. Every second. And the other person cheats, that’s on them. We’ll know there was NOTHING we could’ve done to prevent it.
Jealousy has never been a huge issue in our marriage. Not because I haven’t felt it, but because I’ve kept it under wraps the best I could. However, after hearing his explanation, I’ve realized there’s truth to what he said. Rather than putting my energy into wondering or worrying, I now put all my energy into being the best wife I can be. In doing so, I have effectively killed the green-eyed monster inside me.
By living my life with my husband’s philosophy in mind, I am now a much lighter, less stressed, and happier person than I’ve ever been, and our marriage has improved because of it.
On a scale of 1–10, with 10 being the highest, I can honestly say our marriage has gone from a 6 to a 8. Why 8? Because there’s always room for improvement…
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